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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH apology problem

65 replies

eatsleepeatrepeat · 19/08/2022 20:41

So in the last year or two I've noticed that my husband rarely apologises for anything. Particularly small seemingly inconsequential things. He'll also try to turn things around to make me the one at fault. He says that he only apologises when he truly believes he's in the wrong/at fault/purposely done something. It's starting to grate on me and makes me think of him as an inconsiderate at best, and obnoxious at worst.

Some examples - he crashed the car recently (he was at fault) and I said 'fucksakes!' just after impact. Perhaps not the most helpful comment but I'm heavily pregnant and DS was also in the car with us. His first reaction was to admonish me for my comment, not to check on me or our son. Later on I explained this to him and he just said he'd try to work on it but couldn't promise anything because he's just a defensive person.

Another time he made a fairly innocuous comment about how much I was eating this pregnancy, which I didn't appreciate, and when I said he'd hurt my feelings he just said he didn't mean to hurt my feelings so wouldn't apologise.

Smaller things like he'll not hear me and do something small and inconsequential wrong (eg. defrost the wrong tea) and instead of just saying oops sorry - which I would do as no harm done, not a big deal - he'll just say 'well you mumbled so this is your fault!'

We've just had another small incident like that where I asked for half a small glass of coke I was planning on saving for tmw, but he's poured a full pint (I realise this is NOT a big deal, I'm not annoyed about it!). He said that its my fault I mumbled (I don't think I did). I said why can't you just say oops sorry and we'd just move on no big deal, but he says he shouldn't have to apologise. This is just another stupid incident and I'm just fed up with him, so watching tv together in silence now.

AIBU to expect an apology for some of these examples?! Or am I being an unreasonable pregnant lady?

OP posts:
Subaru4336 · 19/08/2022 20:50

My DH does this; there's always a reason or it's someone's fault why he made an inconsequential mistake, and rather than just saying sorry, or not, as in, often it doesn't even warrant an apology, he launches into defend and attack mode. No advice, but I feel your pain.

WTF475878237NC · 19/08/2022 20:50

It's a defense against feelings of inadequacy. To be wrong is to be a total failure in his eyes. People like him are hard work as parents or partners. They are not bad people so will rarely intentionally do harm, therefore avoid apologising more than once or twice a lifetime. To accept the difference between intention and impact of our actions takes a healthy dose of self esteem and emotional intelligence.

Daisy4569 · 19/08/2022 20:54

Mine is the same. Drives me crazy.

Thatiswild · 19/08/2022 20:57

Sounds very familiar, I feel your pain.

Watermelonsugarhighlove · 19/08/2022 21:00

Same here

SilverOnToast · 19/08/2022 21:06

WTF475878237NC · 19/08/2022 20:50

It's a defense against feelings of inadequacy. To be wrong is to be a total failure in his eyes. People like him are hard work as parents or partners. They are not bad people so will rarely intentionally do harm, therefore avoid apologising more than once or twice a lifetime. To accept the difference between intention and impact of our actions takes a healthy dose of self esteem and emotional intelligence.

This is a great post! Helps me understand my whole family!

NotEvenSlightlyReasonable · 19/08/2022 21:21

It's one of the things I really value in DH, he's great at acknowledging when he's wrong, and at saying sorry. Much better than I am. DD is the exact reverse of him and it drives me nuts! She's got time to learn though...

Starseeking · 19/08/2022 21:25

WTF475878237NC · 19/08/2022 20:50

It's a defense against feelings of inadequacy. To be wrong is to be a total failure in his eyes. People like him are hard work as parents or partners. They are not bad people so will rarely intentionally do harm, therefore avoid apologising more than once or twice a lifetime. To accept the difference between intention and impact of our actions takes a healthy dose of self esteem and emotional intelligence.

My EX was like this; I got rid of him.

VickerishAllsort · 19/08/2022 21:31

Noteven, same here. One of the first things that made me fall for DH was how he apologised straight away for some slight problem very early on in our relationship.
It takes someone strong and confident in themselves to acknowledge when they have made a mistake or even inadvertently upset someone. Your husband is a coward: I couldn't have any respect for someone with his attitude.

SkyLarkDescending · 19/08/2022 21:35

I used to do this too OP. I have had a lot of therapy linked to childhood issues and as a result, my self esteem has improved. I have learned not to take every comment as a criticism and try to see things with a bit more perspective these days.

Can you have a chat with him where you explain that you are not criticising him, there is no blame but perhaps he could take a slightly different action for the next time something similar happens?

My DH often tells me he loves me and he's on my side if he thinks I'm getting defensive about something and I am much better at recognising it now.

Gardenerboo · 19/08/2022 21:37

Snap. It’s infuriating.

Tlolljs · 19/08/2022 21:39

If as a child you don’t get any credit for owning up when you’ve done something wrong, then you learn not to admit any fault and don’t apologise.
Not sure where this leaves your relationship, it would drive me nuts.

Rainbows89 · 19/08/2022 21:41

My DH is like this. It drives me mad.

BigFatLiar · 19/08/2022 21:42

Ha! Mine apologises even if its nothing to do with him. Says it easier than arguing.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/08/2022 21:55

DH can be like this. His dad's a narc and forced supplication and submission out of his children. Neither can apologise well.

I see it as trauma. And I make bloody sure DD is apologised to and apologises.

Jaguarxxx · 19/08/2022 21:59

My husband was the same. Never a single apology regardless of whether it was a small or big issue. I started to really resent it. Took any comments I made about this as personal criticism and became extremely defensive. We are no longer together!

Soproudoflionesses · 19/08/2022 22:02

I have gotmone like this too - never his fault!

RenegadeMatron · 19/08/2022 22:04

Great post from @WTF475878237NC .

Why not say that to him.

‘You may not have meant to hurt my feelings (or whatever), but you did. To accept the difference between intention and impact of our actions takes a healthy dose of self esteem and emotional intelligence. I guess you’re OK with having neither of those?’

And see what he says.

AmbushedByCake1 · 19/08/2022 22:05

It's because he sees apologising as a show of weakness.

My dad is the same and it drives me mad.

pictish · 19/08/2022 22:06

Yanbu…this ‘cannot be wrong even when I am’ schtick is tiresome, pathetic and unattractive. It shows them as the weak, selfish person they are. Particularly when they deflect the blame elsewhere. So sad and small. You might pity them but for the fact that they generally treat you like a piece of shit in doing so.

Merryoldgoat · 19/08/2022 22:09

Christ that sounds exhausting.

picklemewalnuts · 19/08/2022 22:15

Some people can't cope with shame. They'd rather never admit they were wrong than feel that overwhelming shame. Sometimes they've been regularly bollocked as a child, or severely punished for things they couldn't help.

I had to explain to mine that 'sorry' isn't reserved for things you've deliberately done to hurt someone. It's an expression of regret, that you wish things had happened differently.

You can help by saying sorry for them as in 'It's ok, I know you didn't mean to hurt me.' If you say sorry lightly and often, and accept their sorry, they can get better at sorry themselves.

Don't do the whole 'sorry?! I should think you're sorry! Sorry is as sorry does! I'll give you sorry!', angry rant! That won't help at all!

That's assuming he's an ok guy you'd like to keep, if you can just iron out this one flaw!

itsnotmeitisactuallyyou · 19/08/2022 22:20

Yep,feel your pain never his fault just everyone elses especially mine

mamaduckbone · 19/08/2022 22:29

It's been interesting reading the responses to your post OP.

My Dh is also like this - especially if he has done something that has accidentally hurt me (stepping on my toe, for example). Rather than say sorry he will get defensive - 'I didn't mean to did I?' which really irks me.
I will gently point out the difference between intent and impact next time - he has a lot of issues from childhood especially around shame so I do see where it comes from with him, but an apology now and then would be nice.

Original poster
eatsleepeatrepeat · 20/08/2022 08:19

@SkyLarkDescending @WTF475878237NC

So on occasion I've tried to explain to him that there's a difference between impact and intent, that he can apologise for something that inadvertently was wrong/hurt feelings/etc. on occasions like this I have been reduced to tears due to frustration (I feel like a child would understand the concept better than my DH) or it's just caused a bigger argument due to him deflecting the issue or repeatedly acting like I'm annoyed with the insignificant incident and not his pattern of behaviour around apologies.

He is a good husband, a fantastic father and my best friend otherwise. But this issue is just so draining. I don't really know how to deal with it going forward. Last night we just didn't talk at all, he just wanted me to forget about it and move on but it just pisses me off so much I can't pretend that he's not done it.

OP posts: