DH apology problem

[eatsleepeatrepeat]

So in the last year or two I've noticed that my husband rarely apologises for anything. Particularly small seemingly inconsequential things. He'll also try to turn things around to make me the one at fault. He says that he only apologises when he truly believes he's in the wrong/at fault/purposely done something. It's starting to grate on me and makes me think of him as an inconsiderate at best, and obnoxious at worst.

Some examples - he crashed the car recently (he was at fault) and I said 'fucksakes!' just after impact. Perhaps not the most helpful comment but I'm heavily pregnant and DS was also in the car with us. His first reaction was to admonish me for my comment, not to check on me or our son. Later on I explained this to him and he just said he'd try to work on it but couldn't promise anything because he's just a defensive person.

Another time he made a fairly innocuous comment about how much I was eating this pregnancy, which I didn't appreciate, and when I said he'd hurt my feelings he just said he didn't mean to hurt my feelings so wouldn't apologise.

Smaller things like he'll not hear me and do something small and inconsequential wrong (eg. defrost the wrong tea) and instead of just saying oops sorry - which I would do as no harm done, not a big deal - he'll just say 'well you mumbled so this is your fault!'

We've just had another small incident like that where I asked for half a small glass of coke I was planning on saving for tmw, but he's poured a full pint (I realise this is NOT a big deal, I'm not annoyed about it!). He said that its my fault I mumbled (I don't think I did). I said why can't you just say oops sorry and we'd just move on no big deal, but he says he shouldn't have to apologise. This is just another stupid incident and I'm just fed up with him, so watching tv together in silence now.

AIBU to expect an apology for some of these examples?! Or am I being an unreasonable pregnant lady?

It was his turn for a lie in this morning, so I can avoid him for a bit longer and then I feel like I'll inevitably have to forget about it to get on with our day.

Hang on, who moans about how much a pregnant woman is eating?

Are you sure this is really about apologies or is something else doing on?

Both my df and my ds have an instinctive need to assign blame whenever something goes wrong. Both dh and I focus automatically on trying to fix/improve the situation.

So if milk was spilled, I’d be grabbing a cloth and cleaning it up but they’d be trying to figure out who didn’t tighten the cap on the carton or who left it too close to the edge or who designed a carton that doesn’t defy gravity.

It drives me nuts tbh. If something bad happens there isn’t always someone at fault, and even if there is, they probably feel bad enough already.

It’s definitely not something we’ve abusively parented into ds.

I used to. I could eat for England when I was pregnant, Always saying I shouldn't be eating as much but still eating.

he sounds like an absolute baby. And really unlikeable. I would struggle to be in a relationship with someone like this.

Did you apologise for saying fucks sake after he crashed the car?

I’m very much in the same situation, and I agree that it’s draining. DP and I just can’t have a reasonable argument/debate about anything because any disagreement is interpreted by DP as personal criticism and then it’s shields up and into full attack mode.
The only way I cope is to (try and) be the bigger person and let things go unless they are serious (if it’s an 8 or higher then I’ll take flak), but this probably isn’t healthy in the long run

From your posts it sounds as though he lacks emotional intelligence.

www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-low-emotional-intelligence-2795958

Mine is the same

At least he is not like me. I often begin any sentence with an apology and then randomly apologise at odd points during a conversation. My friend's son caught her apologising to the dishwasher one Christmas.
So many of my older female friends are so used to being reminded that they are wrong about everything that it becomes second nature to apologise just in case.

This is so relatable, but laughed very hard at the apologising to the dishwasher. Not sure it's a 'women of a certain age' thing though, I'm in my early 30s and have always felt this way as have my female friends.

That's why it makes it super annoying when my DH does exactly what the OPs does, because I apologise (and am expected to apologise) for everything, whereas DH finds any way not to apologise. I often wonder if it's just the opposite of young girls being conditioned to people please and apologise, whereas young boys are conditioned to think that the world owes them and nothing is ever their fault.

Such an interesting article. Definitely applies to my DH who can never apologise either.

My DB is like this, I don’t know how on earth SIL puts up with it. There is always a reason why things went wrong and it is never his fault. Thankfully my DH is quite the opposite.

I don't understand people like this. If he bumps into someone accidentally and they spill their drink as a result, what does he say? I can't think of anything I'd say other than 'oh, sorry!'

Does he offer to buy them another? (because if he accepts responsibility, he should also be offering an apology.)

Mine does this too.

This would be really interesting to hear actually

Another over apologiser here 🙋‍♀️ It’s something I need to work on because not only do I apologise, I also feel responsible for any bad feeling even if it’s remotely not my fault.
for example if my DH hurts himself, I’ll feel guilty I should have been doing whatever it was instead of him. Or apologise for him catching a cold etc. or just apologise for even existing.

This is my Mum who blames EVERYTHING on my Dad and never says sorry. I love her but it's so tedious. If she was to drop a glass she'd say it was because of the way Dad polished or washed it!

I used to be just like this. I think it went back to when I was a child; everybody was made responsible for my mother’s feelings, so I was forced to apologise to her even when I’d done nothing wrong and she was at fault, which happened often. Then I’d have my nose rubbed in it. It wouldn’t be forgotten about, it would be brought up time after time after time, in fact things are still brought up now and I’m middle aged. I just developed a fuck you attitude, nothing was ever good enough so I stopped apologising. I’d never been shown how to take responsibility for my own behaviour so I didn’t know the difference between being accountable and being a doormat. It’s taken me quite a lot of therapy and self reflection to get to the point where I can understand and learn to change, but now I openly admit I must’ve been an absolute twat to deal with at times when I was younger. It didn’t make me a bad person and I wasn’t doing it intentionally, I just behaved the way I was taught, which was wrong.

nowadays I won’t put up with somebody who behaves the way I was taught to behave, and the way I used to behave. If somebody can’t take responsibility for their own actions they get bounced pretty quick. It’s not that I necessarily think it’s their fault or think they are bad, mostly I don’t, but if they can’t or won’t show willing, I’m not dealing. i’ve been there, done that, and I’m not doing it again.

@LannieDuck if it's anyone other than me he would apologise in that situation! However he just accidentally hit me as he was trying to get DCs toy unstuck - I said 'ow!' And he responded 'well why was your hand there?!'

Seriously 🙄

@Badqueeen no I didn't apologise for going fucksake after the crash, I couldn't even look at him, let alone respond to his admonishment! I sorted myself and DC out, while he sorted car and spoke to other driver. Half way through he came over to check on us and was falling over himself to apologise to me. It took me a good few hours to say I wasn't annoyed at him crashing the car (no one hurt & no major damage m, these things happen) but his reaction. That when he said he's just a defensive person and will try to be better at apologising but can't promise anything 🙄

Does he expect an apology from you when you accidentally hurt him?

For some of your examples I wouldn't apologise to my dh for.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship were I was expected to apologise for pouring a full glass instead of a half a glass or defrosting something else for dinner.

If I didn't get DH a glass or totally forgot to do anything to sort out dinner that would be different.

I wouldn't expect an apology from DH for those either. Something like a car accident or hitting him accidentally with a toy or something I was moving I absolutely would apologise.

In fact I would be completely annoyed if DH did expect me to apologise for minor stuff like that. It would drive me mad.

oh people like this wear you down over time. They take accountability for NOTHING.

I don't understand, if you've made a mistake, to admit that honestly is so comforting to the wronged person and it usually makes them forgive you that it almost feels like a ''hack'' even though I only apologise when it's sincere.

This is the most accurate description of this behaviour I have ever heard!

My DH can be like this at times, not always and this definitely resonates with me.