DH apology problem

[eatsleepeatrepeat]

So in the last year or two I've noticed that my husband rarely apologises for anything. Particularly small seemingly inconsequential things. He'll also try to turn things around to make me the one at fault. He says that he only apologises when he truly believes he's in the wrong/at fault/purposely done something. It's starting to grate on me and makes me think of him as an inconsiderate at best, and obnoxious at worst.

Some examples - he crashed the car recently (he was at fault) and I said 'fucksakes!' just after impact. Perhaps not the most helpful comment but I'm heavily pregnant and DS was also in the car with us. His first reaction was to admonish me for my comment, not to check on me or our son. Later on I explained this to him and he just said he'd try to work on it but couldn't promise anything because he's just a defensive person.

Another time he made a fairly innocuous comment about how much I was eating this pregnancy, which I didn't appreciate, and when I said he'd hurt my feelings he just said he didn't mean to hurt my feelings so wouldn't apologise.

Smaller things like he'll not hear me and do something small and inconsequential wrong (eg. defrost the wrong tea) and instead of just saying oops sorry - which I would do as no harm done, not a big deal - he'll just say 'well you mumbled so this is your fault!'

We've just had another small incident like that where I asked for half a small glass of coke I was planning on saving for tmw, but he's poured a full pint (I realise this is NOT a big deal, I'm not annoyed about it!). He said that its my fault I mumbled (I don't think I did). I said why can't you just say oops sorry and we'd just move on no big deal, but he says he shouldn't have to apologise. This is just another stupid incident and I'm just fed up with him, so watching tv together in silence now.

AIBU to expect an apology for some of these examples?! Or am I being an unreasonable pregnant lady?

Mine is like this too, it is the thing about him that I dislike the most.

So it's alright for you to swear at him for doing something accidentally but it's not okay for him to be upset you immediately swore at him and then instead of fawning all over you and your son he went to speak to the other driver? Sounds like it happened at a very low speed if all you could say was ffs so why did he need to check you over?

I’d love to hear his side of this. You have managed to make yourself sound hypercritical and looking for reasons to get one over him.

i wonder does he feel like he’s walking on egg-shells and that he can’t do right for doing wrong.
Personally, I think the “wrong tea being defrosted” episode would make me wonder whether you treat him like an underperforming employee, rather than your partner whom you cherish.

I also wonder whether he ever gets the chance to complain about irrelevancies or is that your privilege only?

and my last question is, does he feel that his apologies stored up as admissions of guilt/underperforming which get dragged up every.single.time to demonstrate how much better you are than him.

Also being pregnant isn't an excuse to eat everything not nailed down so maybe he's worried for you?

My DH used to be a bit like this. If he accidentally hurt me eg stepped on my toe he wouldn't say sorry because it was an accident. No matter how much I explained it didn't hurt less because he didn't mean it he still wouldn't apologise.

I'm pleased to say he "got it" eventually

I didn't need him to 'fawn' all over me but surely if you crashed your car with your 38 weeks pregnant wife and 18month old son in the back you would ask are you ok??? We were doing about 5mph, the other car about 15mph. He pulled out into the road without looking, he managed to apologise profusely to the other driver.

I never said anywhere that he shouldn't have spoke to other driver. As soon as the car was safely off the road that's what should of course happen. By that point a good few minutes had went by and nothing.

What a delightful person you are!

I totally get it may come across as that but if anything he will admit he is the 'nagger' in our relationship (I do hate to use that term but you know what I mean!). He's very house proud and likes things done in his certain way, I often fall short but do try for an easy life! When I've not done something equally trivial (E.g. not loaded the dishwasher the way he likes) I just go aw shit sorry I forgot or whatever the reason was!

Like I said I do get that most of the examples I gave are inconsequential, and I really do not care about them in themselves, it's more of the fact that he doesn't apologise for anything, small or big things full stop.

This really resonates with me OP. With DH it was definitely low self esteem & actually I would go as far as to say paranoia. He would apologise but in a really “ well you made me say sorry” reluctant way. We went through a really bad few years when he was emotionally abusing me. Now it’s so much better. He still needs to work on his self esteem but he apologises sincerely & is learning that people aren’t always criticising him. Maybe your DH would benefit from some counselling.

I get what you mean, I don't want a pure grovelling apology for anything really, even the car crash, but honestly even a 'oops' would be better than him always turning things round to be my fault.

Hi Sunshine my DH sounds exactly like yours was when he was emotionally abusive. What got him to change in the end?

@SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows so sorry to hear you were in an abusive situation, glad your DH got help in the end though.

Thanks for all replies folks. I do think my DH may be suffering with low self esteem and this is leading to his refusal to apologise for anything... Perhaps seeing it through this lens will help me be less bothered by it all!

Baabaahblacksheep it was mainly money worries & when those eased, things got a lot better. DH isn’t a bad person but he behaved badly under pressure. I probably should have left him temporarily. Despite those very tough times, I’m glad we weathered the storm.

I can say sorry about anything, to anyone except my mother for this reason.

• *She sees it as an invitation to get everything off her chest and just let you know exactly how badly you messed up. Basically, when you say sorry to my mother, you are openly inviting a good bollocking. There is a chance she won't accept the apology either. There is no grace there at all. However, it had taught me how to be someone who is easy to apologise to.

Mine is the same. Getting an apology is like getting blood out of a stone. Everything is always because someone else did something to cause it. It's getting hilarious now.