Is this too harsh?

[ihavechangedmyname54321]

I have absolutely had it with my 6 year old the last month or two. He has been hard work for years, on and off (sometimes we go through lovely periods) but this feels worse than before. His rudeness, disrespect and attitude are off the scale, and I see him turning into someone unpleasant and unlikable.

One of these traits is always wanting to be first/his way/wanting to control the game or activity. I see it with his younger sister, but also with friends. Constantly whinging “nooo/I want that toy/I don’t want to watch this” etc and being quite manipulative with it.

I feel like all I’ve been doing is reprimanding him recently. I saw him forcing his own way on his younger sister earlier and I told him exactly what he was doing, and how I had seen him do it with his friend earlier in the week, and that no one will want to play with him if he carries on - that he’ll end up with no friends.

I often do this. Now that he’s in bed of course I’m reflecting that he’s only 6, he’s so young, it feels very cruel and I’m so sad for him. But tomorrow when the moods, rudeness and entitlement starts, I’ll be doing just the same.

I honestly feel like I don’t like him, and that he is unlikeable.

Wtf?

He's 6!!! It's a good thing he's assertive and confident. Better than if it were the other way around. You are definitely being unreasonable

I feel it goes beyond assertive and confident when he is bossing his 3 year old sister around and she has to switch toy characters every 5 seconds because he wants to.

And I fully appreciate that siblings will be siblings. But he is like this with his friends, and from teacher feedback he always likes to be the one leading the game, which means he flits between the few friends he has depending on which is playing to his rules. He doesn’t play with many children and I think this is because he likes to be in charge.

I worry so much though that all this, and his obsession with being first/the best, all boils down to insecurity.

It's just sounds like a normal 6 year old.

FFS, he’s SIX!

Back right off. Unless there are tears leave them to sort it out between themselves. He's 6 😢

I could do with a reality check.

Is this “just 6” or is this bratty behaviour?
When asked to clear up a mess he made (I’m talking board games dumped all over the floor, not an accidental spilled drink) he says things like “I always do everything for you”. When given a consequence, he’ll say “I don’t care about xyz anyway”. He says he never gets to do anything fun (all we have done this week is play dates and activities for him) and that X friend gets to do everything fun.

He is very high energy and it lately feels like he is never satisfied. He asks to play games, I will play with him, but it’s never enough. He would play 3 hours of snakes and ladders.

This sounds like my own son, except instead of bossing and forcing he cries and day in and day out it does take its toll.
I say similar, we need to work with other people in this world, you can get what you want short term but in the long term i feel it's very important for people to be able to like you and people don't like a bossy boots.

I've noticed the difference between my easy going, likeable child and my hard to deal with child. The easy going one is invited to parties and the other isn't. The easy going one has more friends and my other is having a hard time with friendships.

I do the same thing, get frustrated and 'tell him off' in the day but in the night when he'sfinally quiet asleep and looking adorable I feel so terrible. BUT I think he is making his own life harder.
Even his teachers have chats with me and one was so frustrated. I can see it affecting school life and friendships and relationships and work further down the line.

The kicker is when he's not moaning or bossing about he's lovely and smart and clever and soo caring. But we get into arguments and I kind of feel it full pelt because its not just 'I want that toy'. It's 'I want that toy' after 'I want that cup, no that cup', 'I need that game' 'I'm going first' .... and so on so forth

I know yours is six and mine is a little older but mines ild enough now that I can see I was right (and you are too) in that it affects other things.

I don't know what the answer is but you're not alone. if you ever want to chat privately or back on this thread I'll be there. I feel it too.

Some people on here must have very unruly children, because judging by this and other threads it sounds like they never reprimand them. How on earth is a child supposed to learn that they can't have their own way all the time if they're not guided and corrected by their parents?

Also the OP is quite right, this behaviour will alienate other children and potentially drive away friends, yes even at 6. Helping a child to learn not to impose their own personality and wishes on others is part of good parenting.

YANBU OP.

Don't engage when he's rude, make tidying up into a game, have a timer and say "Right, bet we can't beat the clock, GO!"

They will learn when children don't want to play with them, adults shouldn't interfere in children's play unless it's getting nasty, they need to figure things out for themselves.

just read your update,
re never satisfied, nothing is ever enough, it's not fairrrrrr (thanks horrid henry)
Mine is just the same.

infact i feel a bit like I have a horrid Henry and a perfect Peter and it makes me so sad. I know my son feels that way with his younger sibling but you can't just let him bully to get his way either.

I've got into the habit of sometimes waking him up earlier than the others and just have secret tea and biscuits before breakfast. Or if I'm popping to the shops I'll take him and leave the others with dad (but when I take his sister to make it fair he'll scream blue murder so that one bit me in the back)

I think you need to do more than reprimanding. He needs to know that he is not the boss, that if he can’t play nicely with his sister, he won’t be playing at all. Six is plenty old enough to understand that other people matter too. If you’re worried about insecurity, constant reminders of how much you love him and so on are good, but letting him think he can stomp all over other people is not doing him any favours.

@bluenameblue I would ban Horrid Henry, honestly. Children really do start acting like him and it’s awful.

I feel just like that @bluenameblue ! My DD is 3 and was a much trickier toddler than DS (who was very easy until he got to about 3) and even now at 3 still has more meltdowns than DS did…but she is just easier. She seems uncomplicated, what you see is what you get. I felt my DS was manipulative age 3 (insane I know, he couldn’t have been). But in turn I feel that I parent DD so much better. I had PND when DS was 3 after DD’s birth and I carry the same feelings towards him (as he became difficult at the same time).

@bridgetreilly oh he's been banned for going on 5 years but the damage was done after episode one, as it were.

I tried making him a social story the other day with a group of friends, left it open ended and encouraged discussion, but he was on to me straight away that it was about him/his life and he didn’t want to carry on.

I would love some tips on how to reprimand in a kinder, gentler way perhaps. I am far too blunt with everyone and I don’t think DS is an exception. I do say along the lines of “how would you feel if X friend always wanted to be in charge etc”. He always says the right things but it doesn’t change anything. If he was only like this with his sibling I would possibly let it go as quite often DD doesn’t really care or is happy to chop and change the toys quickly too. But it’s not going to fly with friends.

Obviously he needs to learn not to be so bossy but I think k your responses are quite mean. You don't want to teach him to be passive and not say what he wants for fear of people not liking him.

Encourage teamwork, encourage taking turns, point out social queues he's missing "DS I think your friend wants to play with the cars, why don't you play withe the cars together for a while and then you can play another game." When he said "I do everything for you" say something like "families do a lot for eachother" or "its not for me, they're your toys and they'll get broken or lost or thrown away if you don't put them away." Do you ask him to put the away for you?

How is this behaviour a good thing?

Most on here post about keeping their children away from the children that dominate a play situation

It sounds like a response to his sister being born and his whole world changing and trying to assert control because of that..

I love saying that families do alot for eachother. I'm nicking that one.
I don't think you can argue back with that.

I think some calm natural consequences should come into play here. If he starts to complain if he's not winning a game, calmly say "we don't want to play with someone who is yelling" and either immediately put the game away or tell him to leave the room while the rest of the family plays it. If he is demanding a particular toy from his sister, say "you need to offer her one of your toys to play with first and if she will agree to swap only then can you play with her toy".

I agree with PP that some of this is natural behaviour, but I also agree with your instinct that your aren't doing him any favours if you don't teach him to share, compromise, lose gracefully, etc. better he learns in a form but loving way from you when he's 6 than by falling out with all his friends when he's 8.

I wondered about the social cues but to be honest it’s more just he wants to hog the best toy! Or a case of the grass is always greener, as soon as the other child has a certain toy it’s what he wants. He doesn’t have a problem sharing toys with friends per se when there’s loads to go around (Lego for example) but he always seems to be in competition. He is like it in school, when it’s his group’s turn to sit down and write and another group’s turn to “play” on the iPads, he gets stroppy. He claims he doesn’t but his teacher says he finds this difficult, whereas if everyone is doing “boring work” at the same time then he’s fine! He just seems to always be comparing everything inside.

Yes in the board games
example, he wanted to play a game and in the process for several others out of the drawer and left them on the floor. I asked him to put them away when we were finished as he was the one to get them out. I never ask him to tidy up a mess that his sister made, and he doesn’t do many other chores at home -
this was very much a natural consequence to me; he made the mess with the games when he was searching for the one he wanted, so it’s up to him to put them back. I do this with my 3 year old for example if she throws crayons on the floor. Hilariously in these cases DS will often turn into an angel and start tidying up after his sister to be helpful! He can be very helpful, but he is so verbally rude to me at the moment. Loads of horrible noises/blowing raspberries in defiance too.

that's all well and good but he can't boss people about forever because he has the excuse of a sibling to blame it on. Also if she's 3 now then he's had quite a while to deal with it. He would have only been 3 when she was born. That's still very young.

I think it is not normal behaviour as such, it sounds like it is just his personality though and their may be nothing you can really do to change. You can still have boundaries around bullying his sister and getting his own way. I’d be careful what you give power to, sometimes ignoring can work better than constantly giving attention to negative behaviour. Do you think this behaviour is genetic, are you or your partner/ dh this way at all? sometimes the ones who remind us of ourselves can be irritating as we see things we don’t like in ourselves. Just a thought. I’d be irritated too, it’s exhausting being around children or adults like this but he’ll likely grow up and not be so bad. He may be quite introverted and keep few friends. Maybe that’s not a bad thing if he can learn to be respectful, I’m sure he will.

Read the book ‘how to talk so kids will listen’ - I think that’s the name? Someone may have the author name.

I agree with this. Nonsense to him being confident and assertive.
I have a 6yo ds as well. What works with ds is that he really, really takes to talking to him. So if he is behaving badly we give him a choice of what's going to happen and the outcome. He often takes some time to think about it and then he comes back with a better attitude. He at one stage also took losing at games badly and we refused to play anything with him. He then started to accept that he can't win or always be in control. He is a very easy going boy though, we just needed to have firm boundaries. But I agree with you, this behavior needs nipping now.