Is this too harsh?

[ihavechangedmyname54321]

I have absolutely had it with my 6 year old the last month or two. He has been hard work for years, on and off (sometimes we go through lovely periods) but this feels worse than before. His rudeness, disrespect and attitude are off the scale, and I see him turning into someone unpleasant and unlikable.

One of these traits is always wanting to be first/his way/wanting to control the game or activity. I see it with his younger sister, but also with friends. Constantly whinging “nooo/I want that toy/I don’t want to watch this” etc and being quite manipulative with it.

I feel like all I’ve been doing is reprimanding him recently. I saw him forcing his own way on his younger sister earlier and I told him exactly what he was doing, and how I had seen him do it with his friend earlier in the week, and that no one will want to play with him if he carries on - that he’ll end up with no friends.

I often do this. Now that he’s in bed of course I’m reflecting that he’s only 6, he’s so young, it feels very cruel and I’m so sad for him. But tomorrow when the moods, rudeness and entitlement starts, I’ll be doing just the same.

I honestly feel like I don’t like him, and that he is unlikeable.

Sorry to hear your DS is similar @acquiescence . A lot of what you’ve said about yours rings true. DS was the eldest grandchild, and he’s the eldest amongst my group of friends, by quite a way. So there were a few years where he was top dog, centre of attention, you name it. He was born, then a few years, and then at the same time as DD he has quite a few cousins similar age and younger, and the same in my group of friends. So if we have gatherings with either family or my friends, he’s always the eldest by a good 3 years. Which I appreciate is dull and tricky because toddlers need a lot more attention. He’s very bright too.

It’s hard to say about school. He isn’t hugely sociable I wouldn’t say, as he has a small group of friends who he’s had since nursery and reception, and he sticks to all or one of them at play times. The feedback I get is that they encourage him to play with others but he is usually with at least one of this small group, and I do wonder is it because he’s confident he can lead them a bit. I see them play together at the park or play dates and he’s not always really bossy, or if he says let’s do this one friend might say no and DS does huff a bit but it never ends in a big drama. One of his friends in particular though is hugely competitive with everything and I think some of this has rubbed off, though I don’t like to blame another child because DS has always had his own agenda a bit.

@ihavechangedmyname54321 i absolutely understand about the manipulation & I didn’t like myself for thinking it, like ‘wtf how can he be sly he’s only 6’ but it’s definitely there. He’s admitted some things he’s said to his mum to get his own way which had her in tears thinking she was a bad mum & she caved & let him have what he wanted, she didn’t tell me this but he did quite matter of factly tell me when the same strategy hadn’t worked out on me. He said quite casually ‘well I guess you really don’t love me then because when I said that to mummy she cried & let me have it, I do it all the time’ and it was so calculating, it’s the only time I’ve ever really told him off strongly & I was a bit frightened of him to be honest that he could do this at age 8 & have his poor mum crying just to get his own way. I’d seen it with other kids but that was a shock. She’s his biggest advocate & doesn’t deserve that, I thought mummy would be the one person he would always be kind to & it scared me a bit that she wasn’t beyond his tactics. I don’t really have any advice I’ve tried it all, from massive praise to boost his self esteem thinking maybe he felt inadequate & had to be the boss, to really trying to involve him in daily decisions thinking maybe he feels lack of control & it manifests in this way, rewarding & making a big fuss when he’s managed to play without it turning into the SteveShow (not his name) lots of one on one time with his dad & I’d take his brother & then we’d swap, blending him more with other kids because I blindly thought he’d eventually ‘get it’ & learn how to build friendships if I left him to it but watched from a distance in case the other kid gets upset. I’m making him sound a bully but it’s not that, I can’t put into words other than almost pathological need to have everything & everyone his own way. He did make a friend for a bit but he got very jealous when they had another friend. The warning of not doing things or going home if he can’t be nice doesn’t seem to phase him but at any gathering there could be 10 children & I hate to say it, it’s always him that would flip the board game or demand we leave because he’s bored when really it’s just the other kids aren’t doing what he tells them. I’m so sorry none of this is helpful but please know yours isn’t the only child like this & it doesn’t mean he’s a monster, it’s difficult to manage when the other side of them is kind & sweet natured & you know they have all the potential there but just this extra side of them.

I think you're doing the right thing. My daughter, 8, is a whinger and crier when she doesn't get to do what she wants. Some if her friends round here won't play with her any more. tbh they're also twats so I'm not sad about it! But it's given me the perfect opportunity to illustrate the consequences of her actions.

I spoke to her teacher about it and he just said she was sensitive but I told him not to put ok with it as we don't at home!

Kids need guidance from adults or they'll repeat the same inappropriate behaviours

@imnotthatkindofmum your message has made my day, thank you so much; DD’s friends are all twats 😆my DS’ friends are, in fact 95% of his class seem to be pretty unlikable.

Today is a new day, I’m going to try and be less rageful about the rudeness especially, just a brief reprimand and then turn away. I have found myself getting into arguments with DS as if he’s my sibling, not my child.

Lol your welcome!

It's hard not to argue when they're so argumentative! I also have a 13 year old and a 15 year old. It's not that different, the arguments are more about being lazy!

Also most kids are twats between the ages of 6 and 10. It's a massive learning curve of social behaviour during that time. It's tedious but you're not alone!

Is this “just 6” or is this bratty behaviour?

It's both. You need to base your reactions to your son on the outcome you want to have, not on your feelings of annoyance and resentment at his behaviour.

Telling him he'll have no friends etc is the wrong thing to do. You risk cementing his behaviour patterns by making him feel like this is how he is and that everyone will hate him. He is only 6. If he does something violent or really awful, then more serious reprimands are needed. But for the kind of behaviour you describe, you need to guide more gently.

I think you're right to be concerned and a good parent to be trying to deal with it, but it struck me when you said you feel like you're arguing like siblings. I think this is perhaps the issue. Though he's irritating you, you have to be the grown up and be calm so as to model for him how we behave when things don't go our way.

It can be helpful in this kind of situation to actually model your thought processes for him. Don't say things like "you made me angry" (not saying you would!) but take him through step by step. So describe the action, explain the feeling, ask what he's going to do.

So for example, "when the toys are left out like that it means they might get lost or damaged unless they're put away. You took them out but you won't put them away. I find that frustrating as I don't think you would really want them lost or damaged. What can we do about this? " if he answers "you put them away" then you go back to the start and just repeat, emphasising that he took them out. Don't say "it's not my job" he needs to work that bit out himself. Initially you feel like a bit of an eejit repeating yourself in the weird calm voice but it really works to take the bite out of it, and it's really hard to argue with it. Each section gets repeated until he gets it. Make it clear you're frustrated by the situation not by him. Couple this with natural consequences--you can't do other fun things or play with him if this isn't done first, how sad, but that's just how it is, and you will help him work out the process.

Also try and "catch him being good" and praise specifically for when he gets it right. He's only six, and sometimes a time out and a cuddle will do a lot to take the heat out of a situation. Often I've suggested we leave a situation where we're not getting anywhere, sit down with a cup of tea and a drink for them, then go back to it like diplomatic negotiators after a break! Once they realise that you won't forget it, but you're not going to lose your rag, giving in stops being such a big deal. Good luck!

Thank you @cunningartificer , all good advice. I was hard work as a child, very stubborn and argumentative, and still carry a lot of these traits as an adult. I’m getting my comeuppance in the form of DS!