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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbors in our garden in the midst of project site

171 replies

unname · 19/08/2022 14:56

I am in US and we are having a patio installed at our house. It's a process that takes several days - framing, pouring, stamping, polishing and sealing the concrete.

This morning they are pouring the concrete. 5-6 workers in our yard and it is a mess with wet grass, mud, concrete, tools and men working. I looked out 30 minutes ago and saw neighbors wandering around with their coffee, asking questions, standing smack in the middle of the project staging area, in front of tools and equipment, talking to the men.

I was floored! Who does this? I watched thought about it for 5 minutes or so, then told my husband and we agreed I should go speak with them. We are both WFH today and even we don't go out and stand in the middle of the project unless we have a quick question.

By the time I got out there they had walked out into the street, through a small gap in one of our hedges. I told them I was shocked to see people in our yard and to please knock before dong that again. I said "This is a real boundary issue for me."

He said "Well we will be back in an hour to watch them stamp the concrete."
I was just so surprised that they didn't immediately apologize, and continued to feel they had a right to be on our property without permission.

I said "Well no, I would rather you did not."

Would you mind having neighbors just entering your property without asking?

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 22/08/2022 14:00

How are they actually gaining access? Is it possible to push your way in through the hedge? That would make me nervous, tbh. Nosy neighbours wouldn't be the worst of it...

Original poster
unname · 22/08/2022 14:06

RedheadIreland · 22/08/2022 12:45

It might be a difference in culture but here in Ireland it's quite common for neighbours to appear if there's work going on. When a new house is being built the older men all seem to make a point of wandering around surveying how the bricklayers and plasterers are getting on. Thinking about my own father he sees it as a great thing to be able to see how well the younger generations in the area are doing. Just a different perspective maybe 🤔

You know, I think that's pretty normal here also. Before people are living on a property and while it's being built people might walk though a home being built and check it out. Not once the doors are on and not if the homeowner was living on the grounds. And if the owner was around people would just ask if they could see it. That's all I want.

OP posts:
Original poster
unname · 22/08/2022 14:21

Johnnysgirl · 22/08/2022 14:00

How are they actually gaining access? Is it possible to push your way in through the hedge? That would make me nervous, tbh. Nosy neighbours wouldn't be the worst of it...

The back side of the garden is not 100% hedge, it has trees, plants, etc. At the corner nearest their street, where our land meets another neighbor's property, we have hydrangeas and a tree, with a narrow gap. My dog and I use it sometimes when she's too tired to walk much farther. The workers have used it a bit to get from the street to the back yard.

We are on a corner lot, bordered by two streets, an alley and only one other house.

OP posts:
NippyWoowoo · 22/08/2022 14:22

unname · 22/08/2022 13:31

I replied to her note via email. Here's my reply to the original note. Her note was very long and so was my reply.

*Thank you for the kind note. We do understand your interest in our patio project and are so glad you’ve found the right company now after so much legwork. We spoke with many companies and received several estimates prior to choosing XYZ concrete and we do highly recommend the company.

I truly appreciate the apology. I get the sense you may not recognize that it is not unusual or unfriendly, in our experience, to expect that good neighbors and friends exercise respect with regard to entering one another’s space. I do wish you had called or knocked to ask if you could come watch; we would have invited you over!

It was a shock to see people standing right in the midst of this chaos created by mud, men and equipment in our very torn up yard. I am sure it didn’t feel like it at the time, but it was not safe and it did interfere with the work the men were doing. They thought you must be the home owners because we had stayed out of the way and only communicated with Dan as needed.

After having explained myself clearly, I was particularly shocked to hear your DH tell me exactly what time he planned to again traipse through my hedge and into my yard without permission or invitation. I’m sorry if I could have handled that shock better.

Our garden is an extension of our home, with a wide view into the kitchen where I spend most of my time. I cannot imagine how changed it would be if everyone we know felt at ease entering that space whenever they wished.

It was not my intent to make you feel chastened or sad, merely a need to communicate boundaries and set expectations. For me these are the foundation of great relationships. It certainly was not a friendship ending event for me. I do really like you a great deal and am so glad we know one another.

I would like to put this behind us and hope you agree.

All the best,
Unname*

Also found out her husband was in our yard on Wednesday, too! He was talking to the neighbor behind us, then said "I am going to take a look!" and popped through the hedge. Neighbor said he avoids them whenever possible at this point, for a number of reasons. He said "They have no boundaries!!"

Dramatic and exhausting.

Itwasntright · 22/08/2022 14:32

Fucking madness that anyone thinks it's ok for neighbors to wander around your property. Maybe it's because you've admitted to spending money on a big garden project, i dunno. Maybe the previous posters are jealous.

I'm good friends with my neighbour but id raise an eyebrow if she came into my garden uninvited.

Berthatydfil · 22/08/2022 15:00

unname · 22/08/2022 14:21

The back side of the garden is not 100% hedge, it has trees, plants, etc. At the corner nearest their street, where our land meets another neighbor's property, we have hydrangeas and a tree, with a narrow gap. My dog and I use it sometimes when she's too tired to walk much farther. The workers have used it a bit to get from the street to the back yard.

We are on a corner lot, bordered by two streets, an alley and only one other house.

Show quote history

Time to fill those gaps in the hedge with pyracantha or something equally prickly or uninviting, or get a fence put in.

what’s the saying - good fences make good neighbours

LookItsMeAgain · 22/08/2022 15:03

I'd consider installing a gate and fencing (sufficiently high that they can't climb over) at the point in your perimeter so that they can't just wander in, because if they can wander in, who knows who else might wander in too?

I think your response (and I'm guessing you've sent it now) was unnecessarily wordy. Just because they sent a long message to you, doesn't mean that you have to reply the same way.

I hope your patio is able to be used and that you're able to enjoy the lovely weather too.

Original poster
unname · 22/08/2022 15:18

LookItsMeAgain · 22/08/2022 15:03

I'd consider installing a gate and fencing (sufficiently high that they can't climb over) at the point in your perimeter so that they can't just wander in, because if they can wander in, who knows who else might wander in too?

I think your response (and I'm guessing you've sent it now) was unnecessarily wordy. Just because they sent a long message to you, doesn't mean that you have to reply the same way.

I hope your patio is able to be used and that you're able to enjoy the lovely weather too.

Yeah, it was super wordy and dramatic. Just keeping in tone with what she wrote me in hopes that would be the end of it it.

Her note was hand written 2.5 pages of a blank greeting card with a dried flower pressed between. She likes to write and writes well, but also dramatic.

"I feel diminished and ashamed that we brought you distress this morning"

"I feel chastened and a deep sense of loss".

I was really hoping that matching her tone would sooth her or whatever and we could just be over it. What I got instead was another long message "so there is no misunderstanding..." with more "reasons" that there was nothing wrong with what they did.

OP posts:
Original poster
unname · 22/08/2022 15:38

Berthatydfil · 22/08/2022 15:00

Time to fill those gaps in the hedge with pyracantha or something equally prickly or uninviting, or get a fence put in.

what’s the saying - good fences make good neighbours

Show quote history

I was just reading that poem for the first time in decades. I didn't remember that it was basically one neighbor saying fences are important while writer was suggesting that they were only needed to contain things like cows and that his neighbor's attitude was ridiculous.

That's pretty much where we stand now. I like to know where the lines are drawn. They are more "Imagine all the people, sharing all the world."

www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44266/mending-wall

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 22/08/2022 16:08

unname · 22/08/2022 15:18

Yeah, it was super wordy and dramatic. Just keeping in tone with what she wrote me in hopes that would be the end of it it.

Her note was hand written 2.5 pages of a blank greeting card with a dried flower pressed between. She likes to write and writes well, but also dramatic.

"I feel diminished and ashamed that we brought you distress this morning"

"I feel chastened and a deep sense of loss".

I was really hoping that matching her tone would sooth her or whatever and we could just be over it. What I got instead was another long message "so there is no misunderstanding..." with more "reasons" that there was nothing wrong with what they did.

Show quote history

So basically it’s (still) all about them.
Get yourself some unfriendly planting to fill in the gaps in your hedge. The police in the uk recommend some plants to deter burglars- do you have the same in the US? You need something with lots of spikes and thorns I guess it might depend on the climate where you are.

If you reply you run the risk of note tennis - and they are unlikely to accept they were in the wrong. However if you want to make yourself totally clear you could try the following.
Barbara - I feel I need to blunt so to be clear - you and Scott aren’t welcome to come into our garden without invitation. Please respect the privacy of our home and garden.

Dahliasrule · 22/08/2022 16:12

We have a neighbour who likes to stand by and watch the workmen and talk to them. One time, on another neighbour’s project, the builder brought his elderly dad along to chat to first neighbour to keep him busy so that he, the builder, could get on with the work

forrestgreen · 22/08/2022 16:42

'Sadly your attitude to treating our garden as your own means that shortly we will be installing fences (and a locked gate!)'

On a post it note, you've just validated her waffling and excuses

Original poster
unname · 22/08/2022 16:52

Dahliasrule · 22/08/2022 16:12

We have a neighbour who likes to stand by and watch the workmen and talk to them. One time, on another neighbour’s project, the builder brought his elderly dad along to chat to first neighbour to keep him busy so that he, the builder, could get on with the work

What a neat idea!

My DH and I are pretty upset about all of this. We really love our neighborhood and the people in it. These two are quirky but we still made an effort with them. This really soured things for us, but hopefully it's just a short-term thing.

OP posts:
FlorettaB · 22/08/2022 17:00

”I feel diminished and ashamed that we brought you distress this morning"

"I feel chastened and a deep sense of loss".

Would it be wrong to lay mines along the back border?

YesitsBess · 22/08/2022 17:01

Time for some Cacti!

Original poster
unname · 22/08/2022 17:05

FlorettaB · 22/08/2022 17:00

”I feel diminished and ashamed that we brought you distress this morning"

"I feel chastened and a deep sense of loss".

Would it be wrong to lay mines along the back border?

😂😂 😂

OP posts:
RobertsRadio · 22/08/2022 17:14

"Would it be wrong to lay mines along the back border?"

Or a nice deep trench filled with slurry.

Original poster
unname · 22/08/2022 18:50

OMG this is turning into such drama. Just saw her across the street with her dogs, talking to another neighbor. He waved at me but she didn't even turn around. Not that I would necessarily, but I haven't ever seen her out walking actually. Normally I wouldn't think much about that.

If she said a peep he will tell us.

OP posts:
Brigante9 · 22/08/2022 19:00

Tbh, going non contact would be a blessing! If she isn’t speaking to you, hopefully she won’t come in the garden again-result!

Original poster
unname · 24/08/2022 15:29

Yesterday I received my first ever anonymous plant delivery.

Might be this neighbor but also suspect it could be someone else in the neighborhood. It had a phone number on the card which we googled to find it was my husband’s main office number. Not sure who would have that. Maybe from an old email with his signature line on it. The florist said it was ordered online.

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 24/08/2022 18:45

Weird! Pop it in the gap they keep walking through!

PoseyFlump · 24/08/2022 18:56

Yesterday I received my first ever anonymous plant delivery

What sort of plant was it? Something soft, apologetic and fragrant? Or something hard, thorny and invasive?!

ChorltonCreamery · 24/08/2022 19:03

What is being in the US got to do with anything? Have I missed something?

PoseyFlump · 24/08/2022 20:40

ChorltonCreamery · 24/08/2022 19:03

What is being in the US got to do with anything? Have I missed something?

Eh? What's wrong with the OP saying she's in the US?

YesitsBess · 24/08/2022 20:44

If anything it’s added to the mental image for me. He wears chinos pulled up high with a belt and short sleeved button down shirt (option on beige baseball cap). She wears a tennis shirt, pink plastic sun visor, knee length beige shorts, tennis socks, sneakers and an ill-advised short perm.

I’ve named them Buck and Sandy.