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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sleep with the pastor?

73 replies

ngonizashe · 18/08/2022 21:54

Hi all

Need some advice from fellow women/mums.

I’ve recently ended a 10 year relationship/marriage. It’s been dead for a long time. But we are great friends and co-parents.

In pursuit of finding myself again - I recently started going to a local church, and met some lovely new people. Long story short I started having a fling with one of the single men from church. He’s very involved with the church and is training as a minister himself. It’s only been a couple of weeks (when the kids are not here at home) we’ve been spending a lot of time together…

But, this guy is obviously very religious, he’s only been in our church about 2 years after escaping a more cult-like church which has left him with a lot of anguish/self doubt/ mixed up ideas of things. He is feeling so guilty and bad about what we are doing and he keeps wanting to talk and go over it. I’ve made clear I’m not looking for marriage or babies but I admit I do have some feelings for him, I started off thinking I could handle an emotion-less fling but I do really like him and think about it a lot. He doesn’t want to marry me thankfully. But he is struggling with what this is. He keeps wanting to talk. He ended things and said we should just be friends just last week. But then he manufactured a way to bump into me deliberately and said he was very excited to see me. We talked following that and now we are ‘back on’ but he keeps coming with these heavy feelings of guilt about the whole thing.

AIBU? How should I deal with this situation?

x

OP posts:
sintrawest · 18/08/2022 21:56

It’s never going to end well is it, I would steer clear

Penseuse · 18/08/2022 21:57

Forget the idea that you’re ‘rescuing’ him from his self-doubt. You’ve only been seeing you got a fortnight and he’s already dumped you once? Don’t be silly, OP — you’re worth more than having to persuade someone to sleep with you.

Meraas · 18/08/2022 21:57

He sounds an indecisive loon. Dump.

Eunorition · 18/08/2022 21:59

We've all seen Fleabag.

In all seriousness he sounds like he hasn't figured out his religious stuff and he isn't having fun. You can't enjoy a shag with a man banging on about guilt and sin all the time. If he can't even figure out basic dating and after 'just a couple of weeks' he can't stop talking about it, he sounds immature.

ThickCutSteakChips · 18/08/2022 21:59

This sounds like a recipe for disaster, run for the hills! (Or shag him one time so you can say you've slept with a pastor!)

Heroicallyl0st · 18/08/2022 21:59

Leave him alone. Only he can sort out his conflict and until he does he’s probably not ready for a sexual relationship.

Sorehandsandfeet · 18/08/2022 21:59

Run!! He is not good for you!

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 18/08/2022 22:02

He needs to come to the conclusion that it's OK for two single people to enjoy a sex life without marriage. But that old guilt is very difficult to overcome. I agree that it's probably best for him to go down the traditional route, which means you're not the one for him. Unless he can somehow square it with his conscience. Is there someone more senior at the church who could set his mind at rest? Mind you, they might tell him to give you up!

Somanysocks · 18/08/2022 22:02

Irrespective of how Christians/ministers are portrayed in soaps it is against Biblical teaching to sleep with somebody outside of marriage, this is why he is confused, he is being tempted by the situation and knows it is wrong according to the church.

ManateeFair · 18/08/2022 22:02

Walk away. You shouldn’t be put into the position of being the person he uses to work through his self-doubt and religious angst.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 18/08/2022 22:04

He is your pastor, therefore is in a position of authority and he knows you are vulnerable which makes it very wrong.

Meraas · 18/08/2022 22:07

Somanysocks · 18/08/2022 22:02

Irrespective of how Christians/ministers are portrayed in soaps it is against Biblical teaching to sleep with somebody outside of marriage, this is why he is confused, he is being tempted by the situation and knows it is wrong according to the church.

He’s not confused, he is a hypocrite. No one cares he’s sleeping eith anyone but all the agonising is ridiculous, almost like it’s OP’s fault for tempting him.

VestaTilley · 18/08/2022 22:07

Steer clear - he’s unfit to become a minister if he thinks sleeping with a congregant is at all acceptable. It isn’t.

This has red flags all over it. Steer clear, and I’d be looking to find a new church.

Arbesque · 18/08/2022 22:10

His behaviour is hypocritical and unfair on his congregation.
And frankly if you don't follow the beliefs of the church why are you attending? Religion isn't a hobby or a nice pastime.

BrightBlueFlamingo · 18/08/2022 22:11

Think the first reply nailed it. Run!

Whadda · 18/08/2022 22:13

Being the other woman to god is tough going.

I’d give him a skip.

Prunel · 18/08/2022 22:13

You just got out of a 10 year relationship
and jump straight in with all this mess?? Run!
have some peace
sleep with uncomplicated men
don’t just jump into a new relationship with a man that doesn’t even want it really

ObjectionHearsay · 18/08/2022 22:13

You two need to part like the red sea.

No good will come of this biblical cluster fuck that's being played out 🤦🏻‍♀️

SpiderinaWingMirror · 18/08/2022 22:14

You ain't going to shag self doubt out of him.
Move on to someone who is on the same page of the same book.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 18/08/2022 22:14

I agree with those who said stop this 'relationship' and find a new church. If you persist it won't end well.

Beansycheese · 18/08/2022 22:16

VestaTilley · 18/08/2022 22:07

Steer clear - he’s unfit to become a minister if he thinks sleeping with a congregant is at all acceptable. It isn’t.

This has red flags all over it. Steer clear, and I’d be looking to find a new church.

This

gogohmm · 18/08/2022 22:20

@Somanysocks

In theory Grin

TomPinch · 18/08/2022 22:20

OK, I'm religious (but think fusty old C of E).

Fucking no way.

It would be bad for both of. Don't enter the lion's den. Don't go onto the burning fiery furnace. Don't crucify yourself for no redemption. Get out like the Israelites. These dry bones won't live

EmmaH2022 · 18/08/2022 22:23

It'll pass.

no seriously, don't spoil things if you've found what's basically a good community group. Plus he sounds mad.

BlancmanegeBunny · 18/08/2022 22:24

He is abusing his position if he is your pastor. Report him to the church leaders and look for another church.