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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sleep with the pastor?

73 replies

ngonizashe · 18/08/2022 21:54

Hi all

Need some advice from fellow women/mums.

I’ve recently ended a 10 year relationship/marriage. It’s been dead for a long time. But we are great friends and co-parents.

In pursuit of finding myself again - I recently started going to a local church, and met some lovely new people. Long story short I started having a fling with one of the single men from church. He’s very involved with the church and is training as a minister himself. It’s only been a couple of weeks (when the kids are not here at home) we’ve been spending a lot of time together…

But, this guy is obviously very religious, he’s only been in our church about 2 years after escaping a more cult-like church which has left him with a lot of anguish/self doubt/ mixed up ideas of things. He is feeling so guilty and bad about what we are doing and he keeps wanting to talk and go over it. I’ve made clear I’m not looking for marriage or babies but I admit I do have some feelings for him, I started off thinking I could handle an emotion-less fling but I do really like him and think about it a lot. He doesn’t want to marry me thankfully. But he is struggling with what this is. He keeps wanting to talk. He ended things and said we should just be friends just last week. But then he manufactured a way to bump into me deliberately and said he was very excited to see me. We talked following that and now we are ‘back on’ but he keeps coming with these heavy feelings of guilt about the whole thing.

AIBU? How should I deal with this situation?

x

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 18/08/2022 22:26

Finish it. No one needs that much angst in their lives

RethinkingLife · 18/08/2022 22:30

I would flesh out the remainder of the story arc before submitting it to a Bible Study Group as the dilemma of the month.

TomPinch · 18/08/2022 22:31

Matthew 7:15.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/08/2022 22:33

I would steer well clear of him. Make it clear you aren’t interested.

He sounds like all kinds of bad news. You don’t want to have anything to do with someone who is feeling guilty about anything that may happen between you. You need a joyful, guilt free, happy relationship.

Plus, I agree it’s an abuse of his position.

ILoveMonday · 18/08/2022 22:38

Move church's maybe? Or tell him to get lost. What he's doing is really wrong. It's called leading you on. The guilt thing is just a distraction from the real issue that he's not a very nice person and no amount of prayer will sort it out

SaySomethingMan · 18/08/2022 22:41

It’s very, very unlikely that you’re the only one he’s doing this with, tbh.
Some men actually prey upon single mothers, etc in churches like this.
You need to end it. He’s taking advantage of you

SaySomethingMan · 18/08/2022 22:42

TomPinch · 18/08/2022 22:31

Matthew 7:15.

100%

FixItUpChappie · 18/08/2022 22:45

Report him to the church leaders

Why on earth should she do that? It's a private matter between two consenting adults Confused

Stravaig · 18/08/2022 22:46

A good rule of thumb is no random shagging of anyone whose role is pivotal to the smooth running of your life. So in a wee village, that's no to the baker, the cafe owner, the firewood guy. For you, it's no to someone from your new church community - especially the trainee pastor! It's just not worth the awkwardness and/or upheaval.

SeussABC · 18/08/2022 22:47

He sounds like a pain in the arse and like the sort of man who would mess you about even if he didn’t have God as an excuse. How dare he finish with you and then “manufacture” a way to bump into you and start talking nonsense again. You deserve better than that.

You are at a vulnerable time in your life and he needs to grow up. He might not be at all attractive to you once you have recovered a bit and you are likely to look back and wonder what on Earth you were thinking.

Dazzledee · 18/08/2022 22:52

Like most others have said...Run! Change church and cut yourself off from this! I'm religious myself so will have slightly different views than others but it seems a bit whole sinful mess! And while you are definitely not to blame for him, don't be dragged down to his level either!!
I'd also recommend praying over the whole situation - God will give you the wisdom to work through it!

EmmaH2022 · 18/08/2022 23:00

Stravaig · 18/08/2022 22:46

A good rule of thumb is no random shagging of anyone whose role is pivotal to the smooth running of your life. So in a wee village, that's no to the baker, the cafe owner, the firewood guy. For you, it's no to someone from your new church community - especially the trainee pastor! It's just not worth the awkwardness and/or upheaval.

Are those three really pivotal? 🤔

StandaloneSal · 18/08/2022 23:02

Angsty religious guy who can’t help shagging you but feels terribly guilty about it? Yeah. Swerve that one.

BadNomad · 18/08/2022 23:21

Avoid. The guy can't even remain faithful to his commitment to God.

Justwantanicepeacfulholiday · 18/08/2022 23:25

Well your title is misleading. He’s not the pastor. He’s not even a pastor. He’s in training (where?) and sorry but that doesn’t mean anything anyone can go for training (I did) and that doesn’t preclude him from being a loon (believe me).

You aren’t matched in what you actually want, and guilt tripping this early on is the biggest red flag ever. Dump and move on.

TomPinch · 19/08/2022 00:31

And he's been in the OP's church for two years, he's a mess, and he's training for the ministry???

All manner of wrong. Hasn't the OP's church leadership been reading the news for the last two decades?

maddening · 19/08/2022 00:33

Someone susceptible to cults is likely to be less stable, I would tread carefully

Mumof3girlsandaboy · 19/08/2022 01:01

Somanysocks · 18/08/2022 22:02

Irrespective of how Christians/ministers are portrayed in soaps it is against Biblical teaching to sleep with somebody outside of marriage, this is why he is confused, he is being tempted by the situation and knows it is wrong according to the church.

This

MiauzenKatzenjammer · 19/08/2022 01:02

If you are going to have meaningless sex, don't do it with a religious man.

ladydimitrescu · 19/08/2022 01:03

Is this someone testing the waters for a new mills and Boone novel??
Can we help choose the name?
My vote goes for "Pastures nude"

Coachwork · 19/08/2022 01:11

Fornicating hypocrite, run!

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/08/2022 02:00

He escaped a cult and wants to experience the freedom that gives him, except he still has the guilt and "belief" the cult instilled in him, hence why he hasnt broken completely free. This is why he wants to have the sex thinking he can as he is "free" from the cult, but then spends days beating himself up about it because deep down, he hasnt cut the ties.

He needs some serious in depth therapy from a specialist, and to have his "training" stopped immediately as he is not in a position to give any of the understanding and support that a church leader should give.

You need to stay away from him and get some therapy yourself about how and why you have allowed yourself to get into this really very worrying situation with an unstable man not only once but twice in a very short time, when only just out of a LTR.

fuckblippi · 19/08/2022 04:27

In pursuit of finding myself again - I recently started going to a local church

You certainly have Wink

loislovesstewie · 19/08/2022 05:24

Do you have some sort of fantasy about deflowering the vicar? Just stop, you and he are causing all sorts of problems, some to you, some to him and some to the congregation when it gets out that you are shagging him.

DaisyJoy1 · 19/08/2022 05:37

I'm a Christian and I say walk away. You both deserve more. You deserve to have a comfortable relationship that you're content with, and so does he. This is probably causing him a lot of anguish (a purely sexual relationship definitely not leading to marriage would make me feel the same) and it sounds like after a really short time you're already questioning it. If you respect yourselves and each other, best to end it now. Church isn't a great place for picking up casual flings, maybe a dating app would be better?