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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To sleep with the pastor?

73 replies

ngonizashe · 18/08/2022 21:54

Hi all

Need some advice from fellow women/mums.

I’ve recently ended a 10 year relationship/marriage. It’s been dead for a long time. But we are great friends and co-parents.

In pursuit of finding myself again - I recently started going to a local church, and met some lovely new people. Long story short I started having a fling with one of the single men from church. He’s very involved with the church and is training as a minister himself. It’s only been a couple of weeks (when the kids are not here at home) we’ve been spending a lot of time together…

But, this guy is obviously very religious, he’s only been in our church about 2 years after escaping a more cult-like church which has left him with a lot of anguish/self doubt/ mixed up ideas of things. He is feeling so guilty and bad about what we are doing and he keeps wanting to talk and go over it. I’ve made clear I’m not looking for marriage or babies but I admit I do have some feelings for him, I started off thinking I could handle an emotion-less fling but I do really like him and think about it a lot. He doesn’t want to marry me thankfully. But he is struggling with what this is. He keeps wanting to talk. He ended things and said we should just be friends just last week. But then he manufactured a way to bump into me deliberately and said he was very excited to see me. We talked following that and now we are ‘back on’ but he keeps coming with these heavy feelings of guilt about the whole thing.

AIBU? How should I deal with this situation?

OP posts:

DaisyJoy1 · 19/08/2022 05:42

Somanysocks · 18/08/2022 22:02

Irrespective of how Christians/ministers are portrayed in soaps it is against Biblical teaching to sleep with somebody outside of marriage, this is why he is confused, he is being tempted by the situation and knows it is wrong according to the church.

Exactly this.

If a man was sleeping with a vulnerable woman during a time when she was overcoming some trauma and recovering, and the sexual relationship caused her guilt and misery due to her religious beliefs but sue continued anyway (due to being a) human and b) fragile at the moment), the man would definitely be caused manipulative/cruel/almost abusive on MN. But because it's vice versa I'm sure most people will think it's fine.

Not the right person to have a casual fling with and not the right place to try and pull a casual fling.

mycatisannoying · 19/08/2022 05:49

Please ditch this man. It really is a matter of self-respect. And all the 'talks' and self-doubt must get very tedious for you.

speakout · 19/08/2022 06:09

Feels bad about sleeping with you but does it anyway?

What's not to love?

Rewis · 19/08/2022 06:23

You recently broke up formally long their relationship and are looking for a rebound friends with benefits (?). A dude asking what all of thisnis and asking for definitions already does not fit the bill. This will end badly. Just stay as church acquaintances for now and once you are actually ready to date see where both of you are in life.

Heatherjayne1972 · 19/08/2022 06:25

Seriously walk away
this will only end badly

If you do this. he will feel massively guilty then he will ‘confess’ to someone else and you will get ‘in trouble’. Before you know it you’ll be the centre of gossip

I’ve been around church folks long enough to know that the expected path is relationship without sex until you get married - no exceptions

walk away it’s really not worth the trouble

Aiionwatha · 19/08/2022 06:30

If you want a Christian perspective...

You would be asking him to seriously compromise a core part of his Christian beliefs. Reserving sex for marriage isn't some extra rule Christians follow because they are masochistic and hate sex. It's because the Bible values sex so highly because of what it represents. Christians believe is an earthly showcase of Christ's relationship with the church. The one flesh union with your spouse represents the one spirit union with Christ. Ephesians 5. 31-32 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church." That's why it's reserved for marriage.

It doesn't really matter if you agree with this. He clearly does and you are being unkind in wanting him to compromise his faith. I am not at all saying you are to blame. He is responsible for his own relationship with God and it sounds like he's being very flakey and also unkind to you. But the loving thing to do is to encourage each other in the faith. I think that before being a love interest, as fellow Christians you are first and foremost bother and sister in Christ so it is more important to spur each other on in the faith than to pursue romance.

The gospel is soo precious - I'm sure as a new believer you've experienced that firsthand. It really isn't worth causing each other to stumble for something so temporary.

bloodyunicorns · 19/08/2022 07:14

Nah. Too much like hard work. You've only been seeing him two weeks and he's dumped you once already?! I'd walk away. Relationships are meant to be fun. This bloke needs to sort out his feelings of guilt before having a relationship.

Summerfun54321 · 19/08/2022 07:17

Either you both carry on with the church and stop the relationship, or you both walk away from the church and carry on seeing each other. There risks being a lot of ill feeling, gossip and upset if you carry on with both.

HintofVintagePink · 19/08/2022 07:21

From the church’s perspective this is a safeguarding issue. He shouldn’t be doing this and he knows it.

From your perspective, give yourself a break woman! Leave well alone. It really will not end well.

SwedeCarrotLime · 19/08/2022 07:45

Fleabag has a lot to answer for!

Sorry OP but you need to end it and you will need to be firm.

MerryMarigold · 19/08/2022 08:04

Clearly for one, or maybe both of you, there is an attraction to the 'forbidden'. It's making the sex more intense (like an affair). This really is not healthy emotionally for him or you. If you want to give up your mental health for him, go for it. Sounds like he's already well down the road.

Dreamingcats · 19/08/2022 08:06

I used to be very religious and was also with a man who was very religious. We both wanted to wait until marriage and it was VERY difficult. If he hadn't wanted to wait, I would have succumbed and then felt incredibly guilty all the time.

Imagining how this man feels, I think the kindest thing you can do is help him avoid temptation. I wouldn't sleep with him.

Adelaide66 · 19/08/2022 08:07

After 10years of marriage I suggest that you need space to discover yourself before taking on a new man with obvious problems.

Lougle · 19/08/2022 08:16

I'd say you are both vulnerable in different ways and you are both exploiting that vulnerability to meet your own needs.

"Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body."
1 Corinthians 6:18 NIVUK

You are hurting each other and you need to stay away.

Do you have home groups/small groups? You need to tell someone what is happening and seek their help, imo.

Adversity · 19/08/2022 08:28

I’m not sure which church you belong to but some time ago I had to read up on safeguarding rules for the Church of England. This relationship is totally unacceptable.

Take all emotion out and what you have here in the cold light of day is a man who is quiet frankly not suitable to become a minister at all. Religion has suffered enough because so many men exploit women and children and use religion as a cover up for their appalling behaviour. I speak as a Christian who has fallen out with their faith numerous times.

GoTeamRocket · 19/08/2022 08:31

Life is too short for this sort of drama. I would walk away.

sevenoh · 19/08/2022 08:33

If he's as hot as the priest in fleabag then you have no choice really - just kidding.

It doesn't sound like a good idea op, it may be better to remove yourself from the situation. You should be in your honeymoon period and you've already been dumped - it's not going to end well sadly.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/08/2022 08:35

If you want to keep having sex with him, I think you need to talk about how it's working and feeling for you both. If that gets too much, then break it off and mean it. Don't have sex with him unless you're willing to also do the emotional side of it.

KettrickenSmiled · 19/08/2022 08:52

Are you for real OP?
Because if you are, you seriously need to lay off dating & do The Freedom Programme, for your own self-protection.
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I started off thinking I could handle an emotion-less fling
Yeah, but your pastor can't. So stop seeing him.

He doesn’t want to marry me thankfully.
You are discussing marriage with a guy you've been seeing for a fortnight?! Madness! Red flags! Stop seeing him.

He keeps wanting to talk. He ended things and said we should just be friends just last week. But then he manufactured a way to bump into me deliberately and said he was very excited to see me.
And he will play push-me pull-you like this forever if you let him. So don't. Stop seeing him.

after escaping a more cult-like church which has left him with a lot of anguish/self doubt/ mixed up ideas of things
You want to date a man who is eaten up with deep-rooted psychological issues? Why?! - stop seeing him!

He is feeling so guilty and bad about what we are doing
So he should. I don't think pastors are allowed to date their flock. Stop seeing him.

LittleMissTwix · 19/08/2022 08:54

Meraas · 18/08/2022 22:07

He’s not confused, he is a hypocrite. No one cares he’s sleeping eith anyone but all the agonising is ridiculous, almost like it’s OP’s fault for tempting him.

Show quote history

Agreed!

I had a similiar sort of 'relationship' with a baptist minister. Didn't go as far as sex (he wouldn't) but plenty of make out sessions. He had the same 'conflict' the OP describes and probably thought he was being completely honest with me because he'd say 'we can never be together'... but then 2 minutes later would have his tongue down my throat. Couldn't (or wouldn't) see that his mixed messaging gave me perpetual hope he'd eventually choose me over the church. In the end, he told his parents about me... and in their words "I was a tool of the devil" sent to tempt him. He backed off hard after that.

So yeah, in my experience, it doesn't end well. Get out now before you become really attached.

TongueTwistr · 19/08/2022 09:07

My FIL was a serial religion-swapper. Intensely attached to the latest, greatest thing and dragged the family along for the ride.
Different parts of the country, different faiths but always the same outcome - asked to leave for not keeping it in his pants.

Pipsquiggle · 21/08/2022 13:01

This has more red flags than a labour party conference.

You've both got your own baggage to sort out. Deal with that first

BeverlyHa · 07/07/2023 21:48

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 18/08/2022 22:04
He is your pastor, therefore is in a position of authority and he knows you are vulnerable which makes it very wrong.

this is the answer. a man from a christian church is to respect a woman, date her without sex and if both decide to start serious life together and be sure about a marriage, may be sleep but not because you fell into temptation. Sleep only if you decide you are going to be together

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