Dh thinks I should call in sick

[ShittyCar]

Dh alcoholic
Has a detox "booked" provisionally in a couple of weeks, but as it is at home, I need to be there.

Background: police involved, he is verbally abusive when drunk, social visit on Monday and I cannot decide whether to disclose everything. Have told police already not to do a non mol as he was so angry about being arrested last time (no charges, but spent 24 hes in a cell)

So, cannot get the week off. Have asked for leave, denied as no cover due to no other managers. (Simplified version)

Dh says I am not being supportive and should call sick. I say this will risk a disciplinary and possibly my job.

Yabu : call sick, show more support
Yanbu: dont risk your job as you are the only one currently working and we are already in debt.

Your children are being abused because live in a home with domestic abuse. At the moment you are failing to protect them from that abuse because you are continuing to live with their abuser. You need to tell SS the truth before your kids do.

The longer you stay together the more opportunity your h has to negatively influence dc against you. It is the only situation she knows so she will resist change, but as an adult and parent you need to create a better life for you all. He will not change while you tolerate or enable his behaviour. Even if you did as he asks there is little likelihood of him becoming the husband and father you would want again.

Okay. So. Help me.
Social come on monday. He will be here btw.
So I say "right, this is not ok for me OR the kids. I need help. What do I do" and then disclose everything.

If thats what I need to do, then I will do it.

I am ready to walk away, trust me on this. it is literally that I dont want the kids to have to be in a refuge and the money issue. Thats it. I cannot stand even being in a room with him right now.

You need to tell them op. Everything. And get the non-mol order. Tell them about his behaviour to your daughter and him trying to turn them against you.

Can you contact them before the visit and tell them about the abuse and that you are scared to talk in front of him?

I'm a child with an alcoholic dad. They will all be hugely affected by this. He's abusing you.

From the sounds of it detoxing will fail. He's not taking any responsibility is he.

im scared how he will react to the non mol.
im scared what the youngest will think.
Im scared he will turn her against me.

How old is your youngest? Can you have a frank conversation with her about saving yourself and your family? That you can’t save everyone so you choose the rest of you and live in hope your husband will be strong enough for himself and the family. Maybe ask her what would she say if her friend were living with a boyfriend, who did x, y and z.

If you are able to get him removed, he won't have the chance to react Disclose all to the safeguarding officer, you have previous reports on record. Can you arrange it so he is not there? Or meet elsewhere as your home is not safe? If he kicks off with the officer present they will call police.

Tell them this. Please.

It's scary now. It will be scarier in the long run for you all if he stays.

What if they don't believe me?? All i have are my google entries. my boss at work knows some of it. The police know some of it.

but so much is just verbal with no witnesses.
At least if they hit me there would be evidence.

Dh says I am not being supportive and should call sick.

He’s got a serious nerve, doesn’t he?

Why doesn’t he have a whack at ‘being supportive’?

they = he

They'll believe you. I believe you. Just tell them everything and ask for their help.

The police reports etc are all evidence. Plus he has a serious drink problem. It all counts against him.

I used to work in the alcohol home detox team. Lots of the individuals we detoxed lived at home alone. You'll see him before and after work. He'll be under the care of the detox team during his detox. He'll be fine

So the detox lady said I have to be there? And when I said I couldn't get time off she said she would look for other dates?
But i resent it tbh. Its not my responsibility to. get him sober

Good luck, Op.

Sorry, perhaps guidelines have changed since I worked in that role or it's just local policy. It was always helpful for the individual to have a family member/ friend around but not a requirement, we had plenty of people who lived alone receive home detoxes

You’ve said he will stop working so you won’t get money from him, if you sell the house and he stops would the equity from his share be used as child maintenance does anyone know? Is there much equity in the house?

If you went to court there is a chance you would come off better in terms of monetary assets because of needing to provide for the kids/him being unable, but that obviously isn’t guaranteed.

Is renting the house out an option? Charge slightly more than the mortgage so that’s covered and tops up your income while renting a 2 bed for now?

My ex did a detox while I was away visiting my mother. I wanted to put it off to support him, but both the nurse and Ex wanted to go ahead. As far as I can gather, he just had big doses of a diazepam type drug and was more or less comatose for a few days, and then weaned off that a new man (so he said). It worked the first time, when he was distressed, but when he got blamey and aggressive it failed and he just saved the diazepam and misused that instead. (and he sounds very like yours. The takeaway argument was one we had word for word, along with lots about him getting taxis to go and buy his booze daily, while simultaneously berating me for wastefully getting food shopping delivered, while he hung around the house all day, doing nothing, and I worked full time, brought up our non sleeping toddler and did everything. He would also give me things I hadn’t asked for and didn’t want, and then bring them up in arguments as though me having them was the reason we were so broke, controlling bastard)

But that’s by the by. He needs to leave. He’s abusive, controlling and toxic to your family. Nothing, nothing is more important to him than himself and his relationship with alcohol. He’s unlikely to change, and he doesn’t deserve to keep you around as his service human, paying the bills while he figures it out, anyway. He will destroy himself and drag you and your children down with him. You have to get out. It’s the hardest thing I ever did, so I do understand, but you must, even if it’s a refuge. He’d burned through our savings and I had to take out a loan and hammer credit cards. It was awful, and it took me years to get straight, but it was the right thing to do, and I wish with all my heart I had done it sooner. Even if it means moving away and resits for kids. They can re-sit, but they can’t unsee how he’s treating you and it being the model they were will base their future relationships on. I’m sorry. It’s so hard, but you must find a way. I guarantee whatever you have to do to get out, you will never wish you had stayed. PM me if I’m can hold your hand at all.

Leave him.
Let him get on with his own rehab and recovery it's nothing to do with you in the kindest way.
If he's serious, he will get on with it.
He is still in the selfish addict mindset and taking no responsibility, how dare he be pissed off at the police?!
If he wasn't drunk he wouldn't have had them there but he doesn't sound like he thinks he's responsible for that.
You must have sacrificed a lot of yourself already? And now you have to risk your job?

You’re going to need that job. He needs to detox alone. He doesn’t need support when he’s a complete cunt to you.

You have to sell the house and leave. Have you factored in maintenance he would have to pay you? This will be messing your children up so you have to leave for them. He's costing you more money at the moment anyway and you already can't afford the mortgage with him there.

The detox lady is not the boss of you.
You can explain that your marriage is over and you are not going to be involved in his treatment. Her job is to find solutions that work for him. She will assume you are going to be involved, because it helps her fulfil her brief. If you don't tell her you are not prepared to do it, that in fact you are frightened of him and scared it will be worse during detox, and that you are not willing for him to detox at home with or without you, how will she know?
Once you tell her that, I think it would be pretty unprofessional for her to proceed with home detox plans knowing it would put you and the DC at risk. Tell her he will need to detox in hospital, that you are not prepared to put your children through that. She may well argue the toss, but she can't make you get involved.
You have to stand up for yourself. I know it is hard, particularly after you have spent years being abused.

A home detox is utterly the wrong thing for you.

He needs to go into residential.

And then you can change the locks and file the non mol.

Don't risk your job. If ever you leave him, you will need it.

So I cannot leave due to finances. I literally cannot support rent and three kids in my wage

Your children are being damaged by being in this situation. You may not want to accept that but it is true. You can continue exposing them or you can do something about it. 🤷‍♀️