Dh thinks I should call in sick

[ShittyCar]

Dh alcoholic
Has a detox "booked" provisionally in a couple of weeks, but as it is at home, I need to be there.

Background: police involved, he is verbally abusive when drunk, social visit on Monday and I cannot decide whether to disclose everything. Have told police already not to do a non mol as he was so angry about being arrested last time (no charges, but spent 24 hes in a cell)

So, cannot get the week off. Have asked for leave, denied as no cover due to no other managers. (Simplified version)

Dh says I am not being supportive and should call sick. I say this will risk a disciplinary and possibly my job.

Yabu : call sick, show more support
Yanbu: dont risk your job as you are the only one currently working and we are already in debt.

How old are your kids? please protect them by calling Women's Aid and getting help to leave him (or get him out).
If you don't protect them yourself, SS will, and they'll be right to. You are not safe with him, and neither are they.

Your poor poor children 🙁. Please don't risk your job for this man. Please be honest with the police and get some support. He's abusing you.

Oh dont get me wrong, I dream of him being gone. I have spoken to a lawyer re housing and finances, I have spoken to the safeguarding team with the police. I have social coming around on Monday (he doesn't know this yet) to speak to the kids and me re the first call. I have a call tomorrow with the people the police safeguarding team referred me to re financial and housing options, so will see how that goes. I cannot get a cheaper area house or even apartment without compromising teens going through exams, older teen who needs to commute to a college town and my work being here. Everywhere here is expensive. I have done a benefits check and we still wouldnt make it balance. I have disclosed to my GP and she has put me on anxiety medication ( he doent know this) and she has made a referral to adult safeguarding for me. I am trying. I just cannot put my kids literally on the streets.

You'll need your job safe for when you find the strength to leave him. Don't call in sick.

OP, this is familiar. Have you posted about him before? Is he the one planning to detox at home, with you and the kids present?

You don't miss work to support him. You don't accept him dragging you and the family into withdrawals with him. You call the police every time he threatens you or becomes violent in any way.

Did you post about him the other day? He needs to sort himself out, you cannot do it for him. It would be better if he went somewhere residential to do so. Are dc around his violent and abusive behaviour ? You will need this job to plan a life ahead, with or ,more likely, without him. Put yourself first.

I was going to suggest an inpatient detox, which hopefully his support worker (or whoever was involved with arranging the detox) can help with.

Do not call in sick. You have already had the leave request denied. Work will see right through it if you pull a sickie and you will be in trouble.

But then I read your update. Please do consider leaving as soon as you can. Detox is a good step to take, but can make a person very, very much worse before they get better. Withdrawal, desperation for drink, anger, it can make even the most seemingly reasonable people unreasonable. What you have shared is troubling.

I know you are trying to do your best, but detox and the road to sobriety are hard and you already sound like you are in a wretched situation.

Women in situations where there is debt can and do leave.

Please do contact someone - even just for a chat: www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help#get-help-and-support

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/

Please take care of yourself. x

So I cannot leave due to finances. I literally cannot support rent and three kids in my wage.

Sorry but this is complete BS.

I (like many other MNers) am a single parent and can support myself and DC fine on one wage.
We may not have a luxurious lifestyle but my DC are happy and have a safe and calm home.

Your poor kids.

You need to be open and honest with the social worker and the police safeguarding officer . Persevere with Womens aid . You need support in leaving this man . He is not just verbally abusive to you, he has injured your daughter .

This is awful for you! I have been the child in this position, given the choice I would have been happier us having nothing and leaving because I was terrified all of the time. Every noise I heard on a night made me jump, if you can leave then please do. It is also teaching your children that this is acceptable in a relationship.
I’m hoping you find the support that you need.

Agree, what financial and support contribution does he really make now. He drinks away family money. You can make it work to get out, or at least have him removed.

Don’t ring in sick
Don’t take any whining from him

Do disclose everything
Do make a plan for leaving that you can action when you want to

The upheaval of moving is nothing compared to living in the situation/environment your DC experience daily.

Do not risk your job for this man. Take out the non mol order, start divorce proceedings and get you and your kids to a safe place.

You can't now call in sick, if your request has been refused.

From the sound of it, the best place for him to detox would be in prison, not at home where he can continue to abuse his family.

It can't go on like this, can it? Surely there has to be some input from healthcare professionals during this detox, they can't leave it all to you. You need all the support you can get.

OP, I'm not an emotional person, but your post really touched me. You have it so, so tough due to him and alcoholism. I would really urge you to look for funding options (Universal Credit maybe) or any other options you can think of. The effect on you and your DCs must be awful. Please stay safe, but really think about how you can leave because I don't believe you can have the life you deserve like this. Please stay employed as you definitely need to stay somewhat independent.

I cannot just walk out on a mortgage. I have run the numbers, cut to the bare bones (nothing put aside for xmas or birthdays, health appointments etc) and I still cannot make it balance. I have even looked at two bedroom aprtments for two to share, one alone and me in the lounge room on the sofa and it is still more than half my wage per month. add on energy costs and food (80 per week for all four of us) and essential broadband (dc for school, on a discounted deal I could get through work) and a car and we are still negative.
My lawyer said even if we moved out I would have to pay half the mortgage as my name is on it. So theres that too.
Fine, sell the house. Puts us back inthe same position.
Dont qualify for social housing atm due to mortgage, wont after if I have some of the equity and then once i have that it will be used up bit by bit to pay essential costs.
DH WILL give up work, or go self employed so I am calculating this based on nothing coming from him, plus benefits.
I am NOT going to give in and call sick. THe detox nurse called me today (he doesnt know that) and I said I couldnt get the time off. SHe is looking into options.
Sometimes it is not as easy as just walking out.
Like I said, I have a call tomorrow with the safeguarding people to see what can be done re housing and finances.

YANBU, but this isn't really the issue. You need to leave and get your children out of there. This is no way for you all to live... you deserve better.

It sounds like you're already looking at the options but, if you're feeling hopeless, it might be useful to start another thread specifically aimed at getting advice to put together a plan for leaving.

Hes fine to the kids btw, except that one incident with DD other pp have alluded to. Not that it makes it any better. I mean, if he physically hit me at least people would believe me how awful he is when drinking. Otherwise it is just he said,she said. Which is what happened with the first police call.

Its just the shit he says to me.

Yes, I have posted about him before.

I'm am utterly gobsmacked that the drug and alcohol team think it is acceptable for him to detox at home where children live. This is so unsafe. Even more so because he is already abusive. Do not let this happen in your home. Your poor children.

Be honest with social workers you need their help. You need to get support from domestic abuse services so you can leave or get him to leave ASAP. Your children do not get a choice here and this is awful for them now and can affect them all their lives. Children who have aces *adverse childhood experiences) in their life are more like to suffer mental illness, heart disease,cancer and all sorts later in life. They will already be traumatised. You need help to get them therapy. You are a victim here but as the only adult and carer you have to protect them because no one else can. Social services are likely to tell you this. This cannot wait for more damage to be done to your children it needs to be now.

That will depend entirely on where OP lives. Yours is an incredibly simplistic post.

ok so re the non mol. I did ask this to the police but apparently, it is only for me, and it means the kids can still see him? He shit talks me to the youngest. The oldest wont be bothered as much about seeing him, they just want him to stop drinking. but he is literally turning the youngest against me. They were all up for running off with him as he promised more money for a house than I can make, and puppies etc. Tonight, despite the mortgage sending us into overdraft literally days ago, he wanted take out for himself. Not everyone, just himself. And asked me to collect it. I said no, there is food in the freezer, eat that. He said he didnt want to and why am I dictating what he wants? I said I wasnt, it was just giving options considering we are utterly skint and still have to get the shopping in for the week before another pay packet comes in. He decided, once I arrived home without it, to get it himself by walking. Then he said fuck it I am getting it delivered and was going on to youngest about how I had cost us more money by refusing to get it on my way home from work. Thats just one example. Even tonight when I told him I had said no to a non mol, he replied with "good" and I only told him that as he was going on again about how I got him arrested etc and wasnt supportive. I literally have a google calendar full of entries sicne he has returned of shit talking he has done bout or to me. I have a text from second child where they say they spoke to dd about what happened the first time the police showed up where she admitted it did, but that was in the past so we needed to move on.
after the arrest he managed to get her to go visit him daily in the hotel once bail conditions were lifted. He gets her to stay up talking late into the night. She loves him. When I was out the night he called about us going missing the police spoke to her and she said she wanted to stay with him.
DD and I do have a good relationship. Just last week I dyed her hair and cut it, tonight we rode down to the shops together, I was out last night with her.
I worry he is going to turn DD away from me.

sorry, for clarity, when I said they were all up fro running off with him, I meant the youngest, not the older two.

This ^

I'm sorry.

Would it be helpful if i distilled into one document, with dates, the bones of what he said to me since he has returned to give to social? Even though there are no witnesses? Like "told me to fuck off" " belittled my job" etc? I mean I have allt he detail, but its me waffling to myself, if that makes sense?