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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I don’t think I have a personality

86 replies

Annonymousr12 · 18/08/2022 13:55

I feel I’m very bland and boring and maybe that’s why I have very little real connections. I’m an introvert so maybe that’s why. How do people develop interesting personalities that will attract friends

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 19/08/2022 08:15

Just offering honest advice on this unlike the many on here pretending that joining a birdwatching club is the silver bullet

when you take up a hobby or pursue an interest you don’t do it ( well I don’t do it you might) in order to impress a group of random strangers at the pub. You do it because of a genuine interest. And if 95% of the population don’t find it interesting that’s fine because the other 5% will love it…. And those are your people.

My friendship group doesn’t exist of people who are identikits of me but we do have some interests in common and our lives are at a similar stage. We work as a group because we’re all interested in each other’s lives and listen as well as talk.

CheeseyToasts · 19/08/2022 08:18

Divebar2021 · 19/08/2022 08:15

Just offering honest advice on this unlike the many on here pretending that joining a birdwatching club is the silver bullet

when you take up a hobby or pursue an interest you don’t do it ( well I don’t do it you might) in order to impress a group of random strangers at the pub. You do it because of a genuine interest. And if 95% of the population don’t find it interesting that’s fine because the other 5% will love it…. And those are your people.

My friendship group doesn’t exist of people who are identikits of me but we do have some interests in common and our lives are at a similar stage. We work as a group because we’re all interested in each other’s lives and listen as well as talk.

The issue here is the OP isn't genuinely interested in these things

Posters think they're being helpful but they really aren't

If anything the person suggesting bird watching will push the OP into a more boring zone than she already is!

If I had £1 for every post on here advising people who want to get back out there dating to take up a hobby or do the same to get friends I'd be able to retire early. Unfortunately that advise is crap. Plus if OP is an introvert it's quite hard to get up and join a hobby group as it is!

5128gap · 19/08/2022 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Why do you keep countering remarks directed at you from other posters with further strikes at the OP?
Why is your go to response to compare yourself favourably with the OP, like you're in competition to prove your life is better than hers?
Why do you need to reinforce that someone is less socially able than you?
The OP has been very honest that her circumstances are not good so there are no points to be scored against her. She is also not the one who has offended you with observations about your personality.
You don't agree with other people's advice, yet can offer none of your own, despite your purported happiness and social success.
Putting these things together, it does cast doubt on your motives.

UniBallEye · 19/08/2022 08:48

OP I'm sorry you're feeling low. Someone has already said it but for me the top piece of advice I could give you is don't be negative in your interactions

Really think about it. There are few things more draining than being round people who are negative / who complain / who moan. Glass half empty types.
Gossips are mu other to be avoided types.

Being interested in the world, in ideas, in culture, in history, travel, food, art, music, literature are all very important to me. I have no hobbies as such but I don't think that matters at all.

Attitude is everything

WhatNoRaisins · 19/08/2022 08:48

I'm not convinced by the advice to take up a new hobby or join a group personally, I'd just start with taking some time to do something you enjoy and go from there. Figure out what you enjoy at your own pace if that makes sense.

CPL593H · 19/08/2022 08:58

Slightly off topic (sorry OP) the lists of celebrity birdwatchers are informative

Damon Albarn; Joanna Lumley; Paul McCartney; Fidel Castro; Albert Einstein; Margaret Atwood and Ian Fleming to name but a few.

Not people who immediately spring to mind as boring.

JunkIsland · 19/08/2022 09:03

@CheeseyToasts - what is the point of these posts?

You’re taking op’s negative perception of herself at face value, when there are plenty of reasons to suspect it isn’t the full story.

We cannot tell if op says she has no interests because she’s undervaluing her interests, because she’s low, because she’s not making or doesn’t have time for herself or because she really doesn’t have any. I tend to think the last is unlikely because whenever I’ve met people who don’t get interested by much they seem pretty contented. It’s also not a personality type that dictates whether you have friends or not - people like that very often slot into groups without making waves. I’d be surprised if the op doesn’t at least have the capacity to develop some interests. She needs to overcome whatever is holding her back.

A lot of your other claims that are overly simplistic too as well. No point in hobbies? I’ve done loads over the years, and almost all have had a social dimension beyond simply doing whatever the activity is, even if it’s just going for a meal at the end of the course. Great for building up confidence and social skills. And if the op was so introverted that she couldn’t join a hobby group she’d hardly be worried about not having friends. I suspect you’re referring to social anxiety rather than introversion, and while that might make it difficult many people do successfully push themselves out of their comfort zones to join groups.

And the silly birdwatching comments. You come across as very insecure sneering at stuff like this. Reaching adulthood and feeling the need to proclaim how saaaad other people are when they’re affecting you not one jot is pathetic.

I wouldn’t usually engage with this sort of rubbish, but I hope the op reads all the posts challenging it. Because it’s garbage.

housepilot · 19/08/2022 13:06

Trivester · 18/08/2022 15:56

The secret to being perceived as interesting is to convey that you find other people fascinating.

Most people are only interested in talking about themselves.

This.
Develop the art of asking questions.

TypeMite · 19/08/2022 13:11

WhatNoRaisins · 19/08/2022 08:48

I'm not convinced by the advice to take up a new hobby or join a group personally, I'd just start with taking some time to do something you enjoy and go from there. Figure out what you enjoy at your own pace if that makes sense.

I agree

I don't think how that Other poster worded things was nice but the point is pretty accurate

Most people with 0 idea on how to build friendship groups from scratch usually pull out the 'join a hobby' card

And it's a bit of a silly suggestion

Whether posters agree or not some people really are boring.

Bubblebubblebah · 19/08/2022 13:44

BlueSkyAndButterflies · 18/08/2022 20:37

  • I'm bland and boring
  • I haven't got a personality
  • I'm always stressed

You're negative that's the problem. It's draining being around negative people.

Someone early in the thread asked what you're interested in and you immediately shut down that conversation with a negative statement saying you don't have time for hobbies

Yup. We all had someone like that in life for a bit. It is very draining especially when if you do something and talk about it they usually barely fake interest.

Harsh, but maybr something to look at because no one wnats drains like that in life. It spreads unhappiness unfortunately

WhatNoRaisins · 19/08/2022 13:47

There's obviously nothing wrong with joining a bird watching group if you really do like bird watching. Making yourself do a hobby that you otherwise have no desire to participate in just in the hope that it will somehow lead to meaningful friendship is unlikely to work.

There's a whole lot of nuance here and telling lonely people to just "join a group" isn't helpful. This x 10 if the person struggles socially as it just leads to unrealistic expectations and disappointment.

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