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AIBU?

Aibu to not be on standby for sisters baby?

146 replies

Anonplease · 15/08/2022 21:46

Not sure how to word this. My sister is pregnant we do have a good relationship I should add and we help each other out I should point this out.

It is the summer holidays and she is due her baby. Aibu to say that I won't just be on standby to watch her son when she goes into labour? I have said if I am free then of course I will help but I also have my own kids and work which I won't be able to just take days off without getting in trouble for it and I can't pull a sickie as I have had some genuine sick days and it will trigger a warning. I also have a few things planned for the past 8wks which I don't want to drop as this is specific things I have been waiting to be able to do I don't mind rearranging somethings but one or two events I don't want to cancel as I've been waiting for them and this is the only time I can do it. Is it selfish of me to say I'll help if I can but don't just expect me to do it? She does have a partner and her son is very very clingy and will definitely cry most of the time he's with me.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

saraclara · 16/08/2022 07:29

Cantstandbullshit · 16/08/2022 06:49

Oh stfu about her job, this is her sister shaving a child, it’s an improvement moment and she needs support and you keep going on and on about her job.

there are ways to manage the job situation if she deems it important enough but it’s obvious she doesn’t want to be the one on the hook and has brought up a litany of reasons sorry excuses.

OP is a single parent with three children. And you're telling me to stfu about the job that keeps a roof over their heads because this "is an improvement moment" (whatever that is)?

She has made it clear that there aren't any ways to manage the job situation, though I'm sure she'd be grateful if you shared what you think is the answer to her supporting her sister and keeping her job..

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neverbeenskiing · 16/08/2022 07:32

I really can’t fathom thinking any of the reasons listed in your op would be reasons I would consider not helping my sister with such a crucial thing.

You can't fathom why a single parent with three children to support wouldn't want to risk losing their job? I can only assume that all the posters who are saying they would be there no matter what are fortunate enough to be independently wealthy or have high earning partners, either that or they just aren't thinking it through logically. It would be absolute madness for OP to risk losing her job when her Dsis has other family members she can call on.

OP hasn't said she won't help, she has said she'll help if she can but there are certain days she can't so Dsis would have to have a back up. That's not unreasonable, that's just normal. Most people have to work, very few people could commit to being available at a moments notice 24/7 for weeks.

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Hardbackwriter · 16/08/2022 07:33

Since you clearly both have some genuine reasons why you aren't fully available and you also clearly really don't want to help, you shouldn't ever have said you'd do 'what you can'. It would have been a lot kinder to your sister to just say no in the first place so she had a lot longer to sort out other people. You seem to have agreed to do what you can, not really meant it and then been surprised that she took you at your word and thought you'd do it rather than finding others.

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billy1966 · 16/08/2022 07:35

CandyLeBonBon · 16/08/2022 06:58

Bloody hell so many posters on here need to get a bloody grip!

Of course you're not being unreasonable op. As other sensible pp have said, give her the dates you can't do and make sure that there are other options for those dates.

Perfectly reasonable.

This.

Absolutely no question of you missing work.
Riding suggestion.

It is completely logical the child should stay with those he knows best.

Do not be guilted.

You have a lot on your plate.

Lay out your availability clearly.

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HairyScaryMonster · 16/08/2022 07:37

Definitely do a timetable of when you're available. Perhaps she should be asking friends for when you're working?

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Anonplease · 16/08/2022 07:37

FourTeaFallOut · 16/08/2022 07:17

So, she is doubly vulnerable, not only is she giving both she has a partner who has engineered reduced access to her family members?

Her partner has never said she can't see my siblings she has chosen not to spend much time with them herself as she has put her partner first which is entirely her decision and I don't judge her for that she can prioritise who she wants in her life. He has actively encouraged her to go he to family events but he rarely rarely joins her

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FourTeaFallOut · 16/08/2022 07:40

But you were clear she reduced all contact with her other siblings because her partner fabricated spurious reasons to dislike them. That's a worry, right?

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GeekyThings · 16/08/2022 07:42

YANBU, but you definitely need to speak to her sooner rather than later about it. Even though she's been overall daft about a number of things that's put her into this position, it's still not fair to leave it too late for her to make other arrangements.

If her partner wants to cut your family out to prioritise his own, then his family need to be the ones to step up for this. It's not fair on you for them to treat the rest of your family like shit, but then expect you to still do loads of favours for them. I wouldn't expect you to take that on right now, but maybe once all this is done you might need to rethink this situation a little bit, it seems unfairly weighted in their favour!

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jabbathewhat · 16/08/2022 07:44

GADDay · 15/08/2022 22:00

I am another thinking you are unreasonable. She is having a baby, not popping to Wetherspoons for a pint.

Your nephew could also use the support.

I agree and I love the analogy.

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Svet19 · 16/08/2022 07:49

Who helped you when you were in labour with your second DC? I personally would do everything to help my sister, and I know she would do the same for me.

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Anonplease · 16/08/2022 07:58

FourTeaFallOut · 16/08/2022 07:40

But you were clear she reduced all contact with her other siblings because her partner fabricated spurious reasons to dislike them. That's a worry, right?

I said for silly reasons my sister didn't disagree with him. She has actively chosen not to spend time with them herself he's never said she can't go but she chooses not to

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Anonplease · 16/08/2022 07:59

Svet19 · 16/08/2022 07:49

Who helped you when you were in labour with your second DC? I personally would do everything to help my sister, and I know she would do the same for me.

My then partners family. I had my third on my own and he stayed with the kids as no one to help.

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Anonplease · 16/08/2022 08:00

Either way I have messaged her and let her know to have another on standby for certain dates. I will no longer be replying and appreciate both sides of the replies.

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ZenNudist · 16/08/2022 08:05

TwoWeeksislong · 15/08/2022 21:56

Tell her when you can be on standby and when you can’t?
So Fridays from 7pm to Sunday evening except X weekend because you’re going to see your inlaws. Or whatever.
Or can you do short term while another relative travels? So Sister can drop he son at yours in the middle of the night on her way to hospital but you need him to be collected by his gran by 8am so you can get to work?
Don’t say you can do anytime if you can’t, but don’t be ashamed to offer what’s possible and reasonable for you even if it’s not 24/7 standby for the next month.

This. Just tell her your availability. Some stuff you'd have to drop for a once in a lifetime event, or adapt. For example are you really going to go on a day out to alton towers whilst your sister goes into labour? Work is harder but I'd be speaking to them to explain the situation and see if they can accommodate. If they say no that's not your fault, you tried.

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Anonplease · 16/08/2022 08:16

I've spoken to her told her the days I'm unavailable and she is absolutely fine with it I was stressing for no reason at all. She will ask his parents and she completely understands. Once again thank you for the replies.

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Bywayofanupdate · 16/08/2022 08:20

I would probably think about how I would feel if the roles were reversed.

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Anonplease · 16/08/2022 08:23

Bywayofanupdate · 16/08/2022 08:20

I would probably think about how I would feel if the roles were reversed.

The roles were reversed and I have birth to my last child alone and my partner was with the other kids. No one was there to help with childcare I done what I had to do what other choice did I have.

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LightningAndRainbows · 16/08/2022 08:28

I think if work aren't going to go along with this then you have no choice even if you wanted to.

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MakkaPakkas · 16/08/2022 08:33

I had a situation (mainly because I lived abroad and had no family nearby) where I didn't have reliable childcare for labour and it was incredibly stressful. DM didn't want to come before the birth as she wanted more time with the new baby and a 'proper holiday', the friend who said she'd do it went on holiday over my due date, the other friend could only do Thursdays, Mondays and weekends.
None of them owed me anything, but fuck, it was stressful and highlighted how alone I was. I had pre and postnatal MH problems, not only because of that but it really didn't help.
I'd really make the effort to help someone else out in that situation.

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KosherDill · 16/08/2022 08:35

DottyLittleRainbow · 15/08/2022 22:06

She needs to have a few people on standby really or choose someone who doesn’t have as many commitments. While I’m sure you want to support your sister, you have your own responsibilities especially as a single parent, and she has presumably chosen to have a baby.

This.

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KosherDill · 16/08/2022 08:38

jusia · 15/08/2022 23:10

I mean, worst comes to worst, her partner doesn't HAVE to be there for the birth. Maybe it would be nice for her but the birth process doesn't absolutely depend on his presence. So I would personally feel quite comfortable prioritising my own work and special events knowing my nephew has a safe backup childcare option even if literally all other family members are unavailable - his father.

<ducks>

I agree with you. The OP's responsibilities and needs are not outweighed by her sister's domestic arrangements. Sister has several alternatives.

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LIZS · 16/08/2022 08:44

If your plan is to use gps anyway, while working or at activity, it would make sense for your dsis to start taking him there during next 2-3 weeks. Tell her you will manage between you and you will do what you can. It is likely a few days at most,

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smartiesnskittles · 16/08/2022 08:46

Anonplease · 16/08/2022 08:00

Either way I have messaged her and let her know to have another on standby for certain dates. I will no longer be replying and appreciate both sides of the replies.

This is the best you can do. You cannot take leave from work for a few indefinite weeks. That's reasonable. As long as you're clear when you can and can't be emergency childcare, that's helpful to her.

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Fluffyboo · 16/08/2022 08:57

If their son is more comfortable with her parents side of the family, why aren't they asking them to help out?

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MumChats · 16/08/2022 09:06

Can't believe you're not planning to help! It's labour not a day out! And presumably she'll want her DP with her so him being around is a bit of a red herring. Imagine having to give birth alone (and imagine being DP stuck at home with DS while your child is being born) because your sister wouldn't help. Appreciate that you might not be able to take time off work but aside from that, i'd be doing everything i could to be there.

"we do have a good relationship I should add and we help each other out" - but not with something as big and important as this!?

For what its worth, i'm pregnant and we are a long drive from GPs. SIL lives round the corner and we were talking about care for DD when i have the baby. She told me to call her any time and she'd look after DD until GPs arrive. She made a point of saying she'd come in the middle of the night and sleep here if we wanted her too (basically she was making it clear we can inconvenience her as much as we need to for something so important). I didn't even ask, she just volunteered all that. I'm very grateful that she's my family and that she's not wrinkling her nose becuase DD might cry!

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