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AIBU?

Aibu to not be on standby for sisters baby?

146 replies

Anonplease · 15/08/2022 21:46

Not sure how to word this. My sister is pregnant we do have a good relationship I should add and we help each other out I should point this out.

It is the summer holidays and she is due her baby. Aibu to say that I won't just be on standby to watch her son when she goes into labour? I have said if I am free then of course I will help but I also have my own kids and work which I won't be able to just take days off without getting in trouble for it and I can't pull a sickie as I have had some genuine sick days and it will trigger a warning. I also have a few things planned for the past 8wks which I don't want to drop as this is specific things I have been waiting to be able to do I don't mind rearranging somethings but one or two events I don't want to cancel as I've been waiting for them and this is the only time I can do it. Is it selfish of me to say I'll help if I can but don't just expect me to do it? She does have a partner and her son is very very clingy and will definitely cry most of the time he's with me.

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

saraclara · 16/08/2022 09:09

Anonplease · 16/08/2022 08:16

I've spoken to her told her the days I'm unavailable and she is absolutely fine with it I was stressing for no reason at all. She will ask his parents and she completely understands. Once again thank you for the replies.

That's great news. I'm glad she's been understanding and didn't see it as a big deal (unlike some people here!)

It's always nice when something are worried about turns out to be a non-issue.

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Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 16/08/2022 09:10

I think YABU.

It's important to have a plan in place for childcare for labour. Obviously. And you don't know exactly when it will happen. Obviously. If you don't want to be on standby tell her you can't do it and she needs to make other plans. Your attitude is pretty unhelpful. It's not something you HAVE to do of course, but your attitude now seems unkind to me.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 16/08/2022 09:20

I think you’ve totally done the right thing op. I hope this will not affect your relationship with your sister. It shouldn’t as you have offered the, as much as you are able… and especially when she didn’t provide childcare when you gave birth.

Idk why her husband is like he is. We don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. He may make it too difficult to see your siblings even though from the outside in, it appear she has chosen to pull away.

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georgarina · 16/08/2022 09:51

BlodynGwyn · 16/08/2022 03:51

We took our son to the hospital with us when I went into labour and gave birth. Can't you do that in the UK?!

Yep not in the UK but when my siblings were born all the kids were always there in the room. There was nowhere to eat/sleep though so that is the problem for after.

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Coffeetree · 16/08/2022 09:57

Anonplease · 16/08/2022 08:23

The roles were reversed and I have birth to my last child alone and my partner was with the other kids. No one was there to help with childcare I done what I had to do what other choice did I have.

Yes, this!

In the past I've refused to assist a friend when she asked for emergency help with childcare. I asked where her partner was and he was evidently in an "important meeting". I told her no. Fuck am I taking off work to provide free childcare to enable some man's job.

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Hotpotatohotpotato1 · 16/08/2022 10:13

Sorry YABU and really unkind to your sister, I'd have been really upset if my sister had acted like this when I was trying to cover childcare for labour. She may potentially have to give birth alone if she can't find childcare and she has asked you as she trusts you. I was my sisters emergency childcare and I had a very unflexible job working 60+ hours. I just explained to my manager in advance and she was completely understandable which I was surprised about. My sister did go into labour in the middle of the day so I had to leave work during an important training session that all annual leave had been cancelled for, luckily as it was her second it was really quick.

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Coffeetree · 16/08/2022 10:24

I just don't understand why it's your sister running around trying to sort this. If partner needs someone to look after his child, so that he can be at the birth, then HE should be the one scrambling around calling in favours.

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TheTeddyBears · 16/08/2022 13:18

I see where your coming with your work but jot ur planned activities. I'd be really hurt to think ur not helping coz ur having a day out! I wld do everything I cld to help my own sister. If that meant calling in sick or asking if I cld take an emergency holiday even make up a train say ur kid is sick or something.
If you don't feel u can do that then tell her now she needs to make alternative arrangements urgently. she wld be better to ask his parents or someone else her child knows.
Worst case scenario for her is dad has to miss the birth. My friend actually had this happen she went in to labour unexpectedly and her parents were away didn't have any other family here. I was so sad for her, told her I wld have absolutely helped she shld have called me.

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Namenic · 16/08/2022 13:28

I would give some days to her that I could be standby for and but say that I couldn’t for the other days. At least she could have a calendar for people to cover the different days

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Kite22 · 16/08/2022 17:24

I am absolutely staggered that it seems 50% of people on this thread seem to think it is okay to just walk out of your workplace part way through the day, or not go in to your workplace one day.
That is it okay to lose your job, when there is absolutely no need and the OP's sister has half a dozen other options.
That 50% of voters and a lot of people who have posted replies must think it is okay to leave a 9, 6, and 3 year old alone in their house in the middle of the night to go an look after someone else's child, when that other person has several other options
Hmm

How can so many people think the OP could be at her sister's beck and call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for the 4 - 5 weeks between now and when the baby might be born ? Confused

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RealityTV · 17/08/2022 07:15

@Anonplease, stop being a baby! You're a grown woman! Have a frank discussion with your sister and tell her you have some things planned so you won't be able to watch your nephew when she enters the hospital. You are acting immature in not speaking up. I don't know what the two of you have discussed, but you have to put your big girl pants on and just tell her so she doesn't think she can count on you AND so she can make other arrangements. You aren't out of line for having things to do UNLESS you told her you be there for her! So just tell the truth and stop being a baby so she can make alternate arrangements!

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saraclara · 17/08/2022 07:24

RealityTV · 17/08/2022 07:15

@Anonplease, stop being a baby! You're a grown woman! Have a frank discussion with your sister and tell her you have some things planned so you won't be able to watch your nephew when she enters the hospital. You are acting immature in not speaking up. I don't know what the two of you have discussed, but you have to put your big girl pants on and just tell her so she doesn't think she can count on you AND so she can make other arrangements. You aren't out of line for having things to do UNLESS you told her you be there for her! So just tell the truth and stop being a baby so she can make alternate arrangements!

You could have saved yourself that rant (and saved yourself from looking idiotic) had you actually read the OP's posts. That way you'd have discovered that she and her sister have already had that talk and all is resolved.

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ladydoris · 18/08/2022 06:21

Happy that it is sorted OP. All the best. And enjoy the new addition when it comes !😀

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Cakeorchocolate · 18/08/2022 07:50

Glad you've had a chat and all seems well.

Staggered by the poll split. YANBU at all. Enjoy your events.

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AnotherButton · 22/08/2022 01:07

It WOULD be unreasonable for you to refuse to be on stand by or to say "if I'm free". If you asked her to have someone else on standby as well for the time you go to those two events that would make sense. Also I would try to figure out if she's want you to watch her son the entire time she's in the hospital or just until someone else, (Dad, grandparents etc can step in or switch off with you). You even mentioning it being hard to get free time and her kid crying is honestly unbelievable to me. As for your job, talk to your boss and explain the situation, tell them you don't expect to get PTO for it but if your Boss wants to fire you over helping your sister in an EMERGENCY you may want to rethink your job and the culture they have. Something you may want to consider is how far away are the other people she could try to reach out to? How far away is the Dad's job? How far away are grandparents and other siblings? She may have picked you due to distance or maybe because she trusts you more than the others she could ask. I was in a similar situation where the closest people I knew were 2 hours away and my husband's job was an hour away. Also anyone suggesting the Dad should watch the son and miss his child's birth are also unreasonable. "Yeah sorry Bella, your Daddy missed your birth because Aunty wanted to have some free time and do something fun."

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Kmw527 · 22/08/2022 03:16

Yanbu. She decided to have a baby- why are you expected to drop everything to support that?

If you are available - sure. Why not. But I have a problem with her more or less demanding it.

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Marvellousmadness · 22/08/2022 03:22

Sorry but F that
If you CAN be there for her:great
But if you cant as you have your OWn kids then you simply can't!

Tell her that if baby comes you MIGHT be able to help depending on the situation but she should have a definite babysitter on stand by

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Ihaveanoldiphone · 22/08/2022 03:36

I think if you can’t do it just be honest very early on, as long as you’re not carrying some resentment (the kids not spending much time with your family compared to her partner’s) as that could be for any number of reasons, possibly out of her control. Even then it is your choice as it is hard for you. Nobody should be demanding anything like that and putting someone in a difficult position.

just don’t do what mine did, insisted that she’d take the day off work despite me not even asking as I thought it would be too much to ask. When the time came she let me down and said she’s working on something and I just pretended I was ok with it. My dc had to go to my in laws, even though they’d expressed they wanted to stay in their own home as they don’t spend much time there for various reasons. Tbh I’ve never forgiven her as she knew that I had zero support network. I even asked a work colleague who I thought I got on with well with but she just laughed thinking I was joking. This time round i won’t bother asking anyone and Dh will be staying with dc while I birth alone.

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Ihaveanoldiphone · 22/08/2022 03:47

I have read some of your updates and I’m glad she is okay with it. I wonder if everything really is ok with her dp though and her asking his parents, you say she has chosen herself not to spend time with her family but abusive men are more sinister than that when it comes to isolating family, they’re not so obvious. Just something to think about.

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Strawberries86 · 22/08/2022 04:04

I would fly across the world to my sister in this circumstance and vice versa.

Id be informing my employer that I need a annual leave day at short notice because of these circumstances. I’d be warning an friends I had plans with I might have to cancel at short notice.

You 2 are sisters, why wouldn’t you be there for each other?

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saraclara · 22/08/2022 07:24

Strawberries86 · 22/08/2022 04:04

I would fly across the world to my sister in this circumstance and vice versa.

Id be informing my employer that I need a annual leave day at short notice because of these circumstances. I’d be warning an friends I had plans with I might have to cancel at short notice.

You 2 are sisters, why wouldn’t you be there for each other?

The OP needs her job. Which she had already said is at risk if she takes another day off.

I'm glad you can afford to fly across the world and lose your job, but OP can't. And her sister is fine with that. Because in the real world, people can't always drop everything, even though they want to.

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