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AIBU?

Aibu to not be on standby for sisters baby?

146 replies

Anonplease · 15/08/2022 21:46

Not sure how to word this. My sister is pregnant we do have a good relationship I should add and we help each other out I should point this out.

It is the summer holidays and she is due her baby. Aibu to say that I won't just be on standby to watch her son when she goes into labour? I have said if I am free then of course I will help but I also have my own kids and work which I won't be able to just take days off without getting in trouble for it and I can't pull a sickie as I have had some genuine sick days and it will trigger a warning. I also have a few things planned for the past 8wks which I don't want to drop as this is specific things I have been waiting to be able to do I don't mind rearranging somethings but one or two events I don't want to cancel as I've been waiting for them and this is the only time I can do it. Is it selfish of me to say I'll help if I can but don't just expect me to do it? She does have a partner and her son is very very clingy and will definitely cry most of the time he's with me.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Comedycook · 15/08/2022 22:20

Is this a reverse?

if not, yabu op

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escapingthecity · 15/08/2022 22:20

We had a list of about 4 friends and family who we could call on when I went into labour with DC2. We asked all of them if it was Ok and all of them let us know when worked for them

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Blanketpolicy · 15/08/2022 22:24

I would help where possible. I would also ask my work if there was any chance of some flexibility booking last minute days off to support my sister. Days out and other plans can usually be rearranged. Events like this dont happen often.

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FreudayNight · 15/08/2022 22:24

I can’t believe anyone thinks you’re unreasonable!

say when you can, and when you can’t. That’s it.

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Sally872 · 15/08/2022 22:25

If you were the only person she was close to or the most appropriate person as you get on with the child the best then I would agree. As she has other siblings, parents and in laws who may also be available then YANBU.

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Kite22 · 15/08/2022 22:30

I am surprised how split this is.

If you are at work, then you can't.
Presumably - as you say you are a single parent - if it is in the middle of the night, then you can't. Potentially if you are 100 miles away on a day out, then you can't.

It sounds like there are lots of possible options - other siblings, and then grandparents on both sides and the rest of her partner's family.

You just let her know when you might b able to help and when you can't help and your sister and her partner can check with all the other options when they might be able to help / can't help. Between you all, there is plenty of coverage.

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Anonplease · 15/08/2022 22:35

It's has been discussed and I said to her prior that I would help if I can but now she has put a lot of pressure on me expecting me to have him and saying well if she goes into labour between these days I'll have him. Of course I love my nephew and given she is due in 2/3 wks I thought she would have had a few other options rather than putting it all on me. I can understand those saying do everything for her but she doesn't pay my bills I can't just miss work like I said without getting in trouble for it I also work shifts so again it's not as easy as saying I'm going to leave work. I just feel a lot is being put on me only she has said his mum is working but I also have work too.

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bakewellbride · 15/08/2022 22:37

I'd just be there no matter what. What @Peashoots said.

My friend had my son while I gave birth to my second. Only after I had the baby did my friend say her personal situation at the time (she hadn't mentioned anything before as she didn't want me to feel bad). She had a lot of very real and very personal stress going on and literally the day after my son was back with us had to fly abroad for an emergency. It was an awful time for her but the fact she was still there for me just blew me away and I just felt so grateful.

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Anonplease · 15/08/2022 22:43

I will speak to her tomorrow there is only 5 days in the next 18 days I can't do I don't think its unreasonable for her to have alternative childcare. If I have work I will drop him off to one of the grandparents.

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givingupchocolatemonday · 15/08/2022 22:44

I wouldn't say unreasonable however if it was my sister due, I would no doubt want to help her out especially if there's not a lot of other people. I'm sure it will be a stressful time going into labour and not having your sister to count on to watch your son whilst you you birth a child. It's not like your watching him whilst she nips to a spa day.

Are you not close?

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Kite22 · 15/08/2022 22:47

It isn't a case of whether they are close.
It is a case of the OP not being able to.

Have you not read the thread ?
If she is at work, then she is at work. She isn't leaving her in the lurch even if it were something possibly less crucial - there parents have several options.

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Riverlee · 15/08/2022 22:47

@ChateauMargaux

I like her suggested message.

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GreyGoose1980 · 15/08/2022 22:48

I understand that it would be hard for you to leave work at short notice however I think you are being a bit selfish to prioritise social events you have planned over stepping in to help your sister when she’s giving birth.

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SarahDippity · 15/08/2022 22:55

Her partner needs to set up a WhatsApp group or similar and add in all the family members who could potentially help. A backpack ready for the child that can easily be packed up for whenever he needs to be minded/sleep over. Share the load. But it’s their responsibility to make it fair and doable for close family members.

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Viviennemary · 15/08/2022 22:56

I think you should do your very best to help your sister in his situation. If its absolutely impossible then fine.

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Anonplease · 15/08/2022 22:57

ChateauMargaux · 15/08/2022 22:16

I would say when you can help and when you can't... hopefully she will be able to work a plan which gives her some cover between you and other people. Frame it positively and don't give her an opportunity to insist that you are available 24/7.

Dear sis... here are the times that I can be available to look after DN when you go into labour - I am happy to have my phone on over night and your husband can drop him off at my place on Fridays and Saturday nights - no problem at all, we will be ready and the kids are looking forward to having him here and meeting the baby. If you go into labour at the weekend and my kids are not in bed, I can come to yours and pick him up. Happy to liaise with any other people who are on call, covering the times that I am at work. I can't wait to be an auntie again!!

This actually sounds great thank you so much!

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Anonplease · 15/08/2022 23:00

SarahDippity · 15/08/2022 22:55

Her partner needs to set up a WhatsApp group or similar and add in all the family members who could potentially help. A backpack ready for the child that can easily be packed up for whenever he needs to be minded/sleep over. Share the load. But it’s their responsibility to make it fair and doable for close family members.

This is my issue I have no problem helping but feel like it's unfair putting it all on me and its a lot of pressure.

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Luredbyapomegranate · 15/08/2022 23:03

You can’t risk your job and it’s fair enough if there are a few things you can’t move, but obviously you should help if you can.

Can you clarify for her when you can and can’t do, so she can find cover for when you can’t?

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jusia · 15/08/2022 23:10

I mean, worst comes to worst, her partner doesn't HAVE to be there for the birth. Maybe it would be nice for her but the birth process doesn't absolutely depend on his presence. So I would personally feel quite comfortable prioritising my own work and special events knowing my nephew has a safe backup childcare option even if literally all other family members are unavailable - his father.

<ducks>

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Babyroobs · 15/08/2022 23:15

Sorry but it will not harm the toddler to go to relatives that he has not seen that much of. Sometimes you just have to do what is necessary. maybe they could come and look after him in his own home so that he is in a familiar environment with all his own things around him.

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AnxietyLevelMax · 15/08/2022 23:17

You ARE being selfish. If you both close, help out each other, You havent mentioned her using u to help out for nothing so I am assuming it is a healthy relationship, then i am not surprised she asked u to babysit while she is having a baby. She cannot plan it, and it is a big thing, u should know since u have kids as well. It sounds horrible u want to help out only if you are free otherwise bug off…

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alanabennett · 15/08/2022 23:21

jusia · 15/08/2022 23:10

I mean, worst comes to worst, her partner doesn't HAVE to be there for the birth. Maybe it would be nice for her but the birth process doesn't absolutely depend on his presence. So I would personally feel quite comfortable prioritising my own work and special events knowing my nephew has a safe backup childcare option even if literally all other family members are unavailable - his father.

<ducks>

You'd prefer for your sister to labour and give birth alone rather than miss out on a social event?

Good grief.

I'd cancel a social thing for a passing acquaintance rather than have them give birth alone.

Sisterhood, eh?

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PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 15/08/2022 23:24

eddiemairswife · 15/08/2022 22:06

What about the child's father?

Well you would hope he would be at the birth....

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SizzlingAwayIntheHotSun · 15/08/2022 23:25

You can't be very close to your sister if this is your attitude, she's having a baby not going for a night out. Just say no if you don't want to do it and soon so she can make other plans. Unreliable childcare when you are in labour is the last thing any woman needs.

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HowzAboutIt · 15/08/2022 23:25

If he knows her partner's side of the family better, why hasn't she asked them?

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