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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU wanting to get married just the two of us?

62 replies

Dotty08 · 15/08/2022 09:46

So me and my partner have had a terrible few years - my mum died and I had a very sick child (complex congenital heart defects). Spent months of the last year in hospital with DD going through open heart surgeries. MIL has been a nightmare throughout - she is a narcissist. Having a sick grandchild has been very hard for her.

Me and partner have been engaged for 3 years and did initially want the big wedding but after all we’ve been through I just want to go to the registry office and marry my partner without the big fuss. I don’t want my wedding taken over by my MIL. I don’t want a massive wedding I just want the marriage. My partner is easy going and doesn’t mind either way.

I guess I just wanted peoples thoughts on if it’s selfish to just do it the two of us. I think when I have more mental strength we could think about a party or something with our families and friends I’m just not in the right frame of mind at the moment

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 15/08/2022 09:47

If it's what you want and your partner is happy with that then whose approval are you looking for?

mumbythec · 15/08/2022 09:49

I don't think it's selfish at all. People will feel what they feel about that decision but ultimately it's your life and you should do what makes you happy. My partner and I have been together for 10 years and will only ever get married if we can do it with no fuss. Just us at a registry office and chips on the beach after is what we've said. We're waiting until a couple of big family weddings happen so it's less of a big deal. Having kids also helps because people see us as basically married anyway. Do it your way, they'll get over it eventually.

Original poster
Dotty08 · 15/08/2022 09:49

Thanks for the reply … I know I shouldn’t be looking for anyones approval. I guess I just know that my mother in law is going to go batshit and I want to feel strong going forward that it’s not unreasonable to do this

OP posts:
Original poster
Dotty08 · 15/08/2022 09:50

mumbythec · 15/08/2022 09:49

I don't think it's selfish at all. People will feel what they feel about that decision but ultimately it's your life and you should do what makes you happy. My partner and I have been together for 10 years and will only ever get married if we can do it with no fuss. Just us at a registry office and chips on the beach after is what we've said. We're waiting until a couple of big family weddings happen so it's less of a big deal. Having kids also helps because people see us as basically married anyway. Do it your way, they'll get over it eventually.

Chips on the beach after sounds delightful. I hope you have the best wedding day

OP posts:
RobertsRadio · 15/08/2022 10:05

It's your wedding and it should be the way you want it to be. I think you should do it, it sounds brilliant, no fuss, no drama, just the two of you and the ceremony.

35965a · 15/08/2022 10:08

Sounds like whether you do it without MIL or not she’s going to be difficult - if you have a larger wedding you know she will take over and be a pain in the arse already. If you do it with your partner and witnesses she will be annoyed and dramatic. However, you will be married and have had a lovely wedding which is exactly what you want. So I say do it your way. Your DP sounds like he’s on board so win win for you both!

TinySophie · 15/08/2022 10:10

Dotty08 · 15/08/2022 09:49

Thanks for the reply … I know I shouldn’t be looking for anyones approval. I guess I just know that my mother in law is going to go batshit and I want to feel strong going forward that it’s not unreasonable to do this

We did this.

Well, to be clear we needed witnesses, and asked a friend each, but that was it.

It was a really special day.

Thatiswild · 15/08/2022 10:11

Yanbu at all, just the two of you sounds perfect, you can tell them afterwards that you’ve got married and you’ll have a party when life is calmer and you have the headspace to organise it but you didn’t want to delay your commitment to each other. So romantic, I love the idea. I have a few friends who have done this just with one friend each as witnesses. One actually just grabbed two people off the street immediately before though! Fantastic. All on your terms, you do whatever you wish.

Babdoc · 15/08/2022 10:15

Go for it, you will save a fortune in time, money and stress! My much loved and missed late DH and I had the bare minimum wedding - us, two witnesses and a registrar, then I was back to work as a junior doctor on a 72 hour shift.
We did it to get the tax rebate to replace our written off car, as we were broke, plus being autistic I couldn’t face the whole silly dress/photos/being centre of attention thing.
The marriage matters far more than the wedding, and ours was loving and happy for sixteen years, right up to the day DH died.

ilyx · 15/08/2022 10:17

I don’t blame you! Just go for it

cookiecreammmpie · 15/08/2022 10:17

Could a compromise be possible? I do think it's slightly selfish to exclude family from weddings but obviously I don't know how bad your mil is. Would she be worse if she's excluded? Could you arrange a small ceremony in the registry office and tell her a few weeks before, so she won't have time to make it all about her?

Thatiswild · 15/08/2022 10:18

As an aside, if you know MIL will no doubt go ape at the news, is there a way you could tell both families together so that everyone feels the social pressure of congratulating you and celebrating with you rather than ‘reacting’ and then once that’s done it may ease the fall out? Maybe get them a photo framed so they don’t feel left out too. Just in terms of managing difficult relationships etc.

brookstar · 15/08/2022 10:18

Go for it! Me and DH did something similar and have no regrets.

ilyx · 15/08/2022 10:19

Sounds like whether you do it without MIL or not she’s going to be difficult - if you have a larger wedding you know she will take over and be a pain in the arse already. If you do it with your partner and witnesses she will be annoyed and dramatic. However, you will be married and have had a lovely wedding which is exactly what you want.

Except it won’t be lovely with MIL taking over. And her nagging after the event is not in the same league and how she’ll be during a wedding.

Put · 15/08/2022 10:19

We did this, we hired a husband and wife photographer duo so we had some pictures and they acted as our witnesses. I just couldn't deal with a big wedding and it was perfect.

ilyx · 15/08/2022 10:19

I will definitely be doing this as half my family are toxic

Numbat2022 · 15/08/2022 10:20

I have an entirely uncomplicated family and I would only have a wedding with just the two of us. The thought of all those people watching something that is essentially just saying some words of significance and signing a document is awful.

35965a · 15/08/2022 10:21

ilyx · 15/08/2022 10:19

Sounds like whether you do it without MIL or not she’s going to be difficult - if you have a larger wedding you know she will take over and be a pain in the arse already. If you do it with your partner and witnesses she will be annoyed and dramatic. However, you will be married and have had a lovely wedding which is exactly what you want.

Except it won’t be lovely with MIL taking over. And her nagging after the event is not in the same league and how she’ll be during a wedding.

That’s exactly what I mean - if OP does it the way OP wants she will have a lovely wedding without her awful MIL

Thatiswild · 15/08/2022 10:21

Love the duo photographers being your witnesses! That’s brilliant :)

Fuzzy303 · 15/08/2022 10:21

I did it a couple of weeks ago - just me, DH & DSS. We got married on the beach abroad & it was just perfect, hotel organised the reverend, wedding licence & certificate etc

InquiringMinds · 15/08/2022 10:24

Dotty08 · 15/08/2022 09:49

Thanks for the reply … I know I shouldn’t be looking for anyones approval. I guess I just know that my mother in law is going to go batshit and I want to feel strong going forward that it’s not unreasonable to do this

@Dotty08 it’s your special day and it’s not being selfish. We are in a very similar position only difference is it’s two other family members we cannot cope with. Both are unpredictable and it will ruin our wedding. We are getting married without family there and despite it seemingly odd to some friends, it’s what we want. I was married began and my BIL’s girlfriend ruined our entire wedding by arriving as she normally did causing chaos. Enjoy your wedding and cherish the day ♥️

caringcarer · 15/08/2022 10:24

My Aunty was a person a couple getting married grabbed from the street and she loved it. She said the bride had a single rose and a huge smile. She said she could see how happy they were to be doing it together but on their own. You can do it however you and groom to be want. Mil will just accept it after it has happened. Get a photo taken and give her a copy.

Suprima · 15/08/2022 10:25

Tbh I don’t really see the ‘fuss’ with having a few members of family there and then going for a pub lunch.

it’s not a choice between registry office, witnesses off the street and a haribo ring versus a big white, horse-and-carriage bling fest

weddings are as much fuss as you want them to be. its not either or and I think it’s a bit precious when people act like you must spend £££ and do xyz. You literally could have family there, wear jeans and go to spoons. You need witnesses anyway.

it would be one thing if you were planning a nice low key family party for afterwards to celebrate your union, but seems a bit shit to exclude family from a ceremony who would ‘go ape shit’ because they want to be there because they love you.

I know the difficult time you have is colouring your decision but if your mum was still with you, would you exclude her?

2orangey · 15/08/2022 10:25

I think it's a great idea, we married in a registry office with 2 witnesses, then a casual pub lunch. So much better than a big wedding with all the fuss.

RobertsRadio · 15/08/2022 10:25

"The marriage matters far more than the wedding."

Wise words indeed.