Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU wanting to get married just the two of us?

62 replies

Dotty08 · 15/08/2022 09:46

So me and my partner have had a terrible few years - my mum died and I had a very sick child (complex congenital heart defects). Spent months of the last year in hospital with DD going through open heart surgeries. MIL has been a nightmare throughout - she is a narcissist. Having a sick grandchild has been very hard for her.

Me and partner have been engaged for 3 years and did initially want the big wedding but after all we’ve been through I just want to go to the registry office and marry my partner without the big fuss. I don’t want my wedding taken over by my MIL. I don’t want a massive wedding I just want the marriage. My partner is easy going and doesn’t mind either way.

I guess I just wanted peoples thoughts on if it’s selfish to just do it the two of us. I think when I have more mental strength we could think about a party or something with our families and friends I’m just not in the right frame of mind at the moment

OP posts:

autienotnaughty · 15/08/2022 13:31

Do it, everyone deserves the wedding they want

For · 15/08/2022 13:33

Sorry it’s been such a tough time OP, I hope things get much better.

Absolutely, don’t overthink it, just do it! I think it’s lovely when people focus on the marriage not the wedding. (Plus, you’ll save a fortune 👌)

I get the MIL thing. My friend has a MIL like that. At their wedding the MIL couldn’t stand not being the centre of attention, so she interupped the ceremony - not the speeches, the actual bit with the vows - to give a random speech. It was very weird. If your MIL is a narcissist don’t make her part of it. Maybe she can be in charge of organising catering for your first anniversary party or something.

TooHotToTangoToo · 15/08/2022 13:37

It's your and your partners day, do what you want.

Look at it this way, your MIL will be shit either way, she'll ruin a big wedding and make it awful, or she'll go batshit if you do it the way you want. Go for the latter, she can't ruin the day that way.

Hensintheskirting · 15/08/2022 13:39

My partner and I recently formed a civil partnership. Took about 15 mins, cost a couple of hundred pounds. We had to have an interview a few weeks before and then took 2 close friends to be our witnesses and went out for dinner with them afterwards. No fuss, no bother - I wore jeans (so did he) and we have exactly the same benefits/protections as being married. CPs should be advertised more!! Do that OP 👍🏻

creamwitheverything · 15/08/2022 13:49

We did this..We told everyone we were getting married and it would be just the two of us.Yes there was some sourness but they got over it! I didnt care,he didnt care! We had a quick wedding at the register office with 2 witnesses and buggered off to the seaside for the weekend.It was perfect for us.I would do it all again in a heartbeat,obviously with him ! 12 years on and its still all good.Do it OP if the family love you they will come round.

thefizz · 15/08/2022 13:50

Wishing you the best, and yes do it for yourselves. It is a legal thing and a committment to each other to be done privately or publicly as you wish.

I would do it like you want to, BUT I don't think I'd tell anyone, just carry on living as we are. None of their business anyway and it will come out casually in time. "Oh yeah we got the legal bit done years ago, that's all we wanted! Byeee.

theemmadilemma · 15/08/2022 13:53

Do it. DH and I just got married with 4 of our friends there. Having done the whole big wedding thing once, I can tell you this one was by the more enjoyable day for us as a couple. We went for a meal after, back to ours for a few hours, then the local for a fish supper. Great day.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 15/08/2022 13:57

We very much decided that our wedding was going to be "our day, our way" and that's exactly what we did.
We booked a hotel that did a package just for the couple (up to 8 guests if wanted) and the hotel supplied witnesses so it was just us 2 and our 2 DS.

Goodnewsday · 15/08/2022 13:59

Nope, 100% do whatever you want to do. Go and get married then go to your favorite place for dinner or go off on honeymoon that night! Do not do anything to please anyone else. I’m quite an anxious person and hate being the centre of attention. We had a tiny ceremony with family then had friends later on for a drink. My mum made some really hurtful comments about what a disappointment it was that we weren’t having the big hotel wedding (the exact same as everyone has on a conveyor belt in my opinion 🙄). She said she was embarrassed that she couldn’t ask X Y and Z who’s daughters wedding she’d been invited to. In the end up it turned out to be a great day and all morning before it I just kept saying how pleased I was that I’d stuck to my guns and not just gone along with the big wedding that I’d dread the closer it got. All you have to do is sign a bit of paper, do it whatever way you want!

ddl1 · 15/08/2022 14:20

derxa · 15/08/2022 12:10

Fair enough. It's the old introvert/extrovert debate on MN. You're not a better person because you don't want to be the centre of attention.

Show quote history

Or a better person because you do want to be the centre of attention!

People differ in terms of what they want/ can cope with/ can afford, etc. etc. and that is fine, and should be accepted.

The only time that it may genuinely be a real problem is if the bride and groom want different things. Otherwise, it should be up to them.

mumbythec · 15/08/2022 15:50

Dotty08 · 15/08/2022 09:49

Thanks for the reply … I know I shouldn’t be looking for anyones approval. I guess I just know that my mother in law is going to go batshit and I want to feel strong going forward that it’s not unreasonable to do this

It's wild how people get about weddings that aren't their own. Totally understand the anxiety if you know someone will be upset about it. I guess you have to make the decision together and put up a united front on it, and be prepared for grumbles. I know a few people who have compromised with a bigger family party at a later date (but this isn't for everyone either!)

Izadrennan · 15/08/2022 15:55

Genuinely one of my biggest regrets is not eloping, there were so many issues and mil was a very big part of it, I really dislike my wedding photos because I can remember feeling that even on the day we'd made a mistake, and we both feel like that, obviously I'm very happy that I married my wonderful husband but just wish we could go back and do it in a way that was meaningful for just us!

Flip

1 2 3