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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU wanting to get married just the two of us?

62 replies

Dotty08 · 15/08/2022 09:46

So me and my partner have had a terrible few years - my mum died and I had a very sick child (complex congenital heart defects). Spent months of the last year in hospital with DD going through open heart surgeries. MIL has been a nightmare throughout - she is a narcissist. Having a sick grandchild has been very hard for her.

Me and partner have been engaged for 3 years and did initially want the big wedding but after all we’ve been through I just want to go to the registry office and marry my partner without the big fuss. I don’t want my wedding taken over by my MIL. I don’t want a massive wedding I just want the marriage. My partner is easy going and doesn’t mind either way.

I guess I just wanted peoples thoughts on if it’s selfish to just do it the two of us. I think when I have more mental strength we could think about a party or something with our families and friends I’m just not in the right frame of mind at the moment

OP posts:

Triotriotrio · 15/08/2022 10:28

I am also getting married with just the two of us and 2 witnesses, also due to MIL being a bloody nightmare. We aren't even planning on telling anyone that we are getting married. I'm sure it will come out at some point, but by then it'll be too late for anyone to do anything about it. MIL kicked off when she saw a picture of me with a ring on (I've always work a ring on my wedding finger) so we just know what a nightmare she will be. It's about us and no one else

Suprima · 15/08/2022 10:30

I know you don’t want mother law taking over- but that sounds like a you problem. Enforce some boundaries and she won’t. If she becomes shitty then you are well within your rights to exclude her.

you haven’t mentioned any toxic or evil behaviour which is why I think compromise is the best way.

if everyone excluded their MIL because they nagged or there was a risk of them taking over- there would be a lot less family weddings!

Needmorelego · 15/08/2022 10:36

Just do it.
You don't even need to tell her you've done it really.
You don't need to wear wedding rings or change your name (unless you want to) so how would she even know?

ilyx · 15/08/2022 10:37

Suprima · 15/08/2022 10:30

I know you don’t want mother law taking over- but that sounds like a you problem. Enforce some boundaries and she won’t. If she becomes shitty then you are well within your rights to exclude her.

you haven’t mentioned any toxic or evil behaviour which is why I think compromise is the best way.

if everyone excluded their MIL because they nagged or there was a risk of them taking over- there would be a lot less family weddings!

No it isn’t her fault. Stop victim blaming. You realise toxic/narcissistic people exist?! I doubt she wants a confrontation with her MIL on her wedding day nor should she have to.

SeasonFinale · 15/08/2022 10:44

Suprima · 15/08/2022 10:30

I know you don’t want mother law taking over- but that sounds like a you problem. Enforce some boundaries and she won’t. If she becomes shitty then you are well within your rights to exclude her.

you haven’t mentioned any toxic or evil behaviour which is why I think compromise is the best way.

if everyone excluded their MIL because they nagged or there was a risk of them taking over- there would be a lot less family weddings!

OP it looks like your MIL has turned up on MN.

ps. There is no need for the OP to list the MILs behaviour for us to vote on. We can accept that if a MIL is as described then a small wedding alone would be a sensible option.

Suprima · 15/08/2022 10:47

OP- for some reason half of your post didn’t load for me.

please ignore all I said as vital information was missed.

best of luck to your nuptials - whatever you do . Of course it should be the two of you in this instance!

RoseGardenSummer · 15/08/2022 10:48

I think it's absolutely beautiful to cut out all the frivolous parts of the wedding and just focus on the core important exchange of vows.

Needmorelego · 15/08/2022 10:52

@RoseGardenSummer you technically don't even need to do vows. There's some legal phrases you have to say but that's it.
We didn't do vows.

Klippetyklip · 15/08/2022 11:10

This is why me and my DP are still unmarried in our mid fifties. My family think a small unfussy wedding must involve at least 50 guests, and you have to do this, oh and this because of, you know tradition. Put me right off.

Rattysparklebum · 15/08/2022 11:21

We did this, just had one of our children (who lived locally, other further away) and a close friend as witnesses, just the two of us went out for a lovely lunch afterwards, we didn’t tell anyone else until a few weeks later, just sent a photo and message on WhatsApp.

We have been together a long time so I don’t think anyone was expecting us to marry anymore, MIL was a little put out initially but as soon as she knew my mum wasn’t there either she was ok.

It is so difficult to have a ‘small’ wedding, DH has 2 sisters, one lives in Canada, we would have to invite her if we invited other family members but then she would want her husband to come and children and it’s a long way to travel for a 30 minute ceremony and 2 hour casual lunch after, his other sister has 2 children who would want to come to see their cousins from Canada so the whole thing mushrooms, much easier to just keep it to the 2 of you.

derxa · 15/08/2022 11:29

MN hates weddings. I don't know why you asked. You knew what response you'd get.

skgnome · 15/08/2022 11:33

It’s yours and your partner’s wedding- of a simple “let’s go to the registry” to be married is what you want - go for it!
it doesn’t has to be a big event, no one else needs to be involved

YellowandGreya · 15/08/2022 11:52

There was an article recently about couples just getting married by themselves and telling family after. Marriage is a life partnership, not about a massive headachey party you don't really want. Nor does anyone else really want an expensive day out.

Penseuse · 15/08/2022 11:54

Of course it’s not selfish. We just had two witnesses, and didn’t tell anyone for years. No one pitched a fit. I made it quite clear that this was the only way we’d ever have married. I would have found a big party a massive waste of my time.

brookstar · 15/08/2022 12:04

derxa · 15/08/2022 11:29

MN hates weddings. I don't know why you asked. You knew what response you'd get.

Just because someone doesn't want to spend thousands of pounds on a party doesn't mean they hate weddings!
I enjoy a wedding but I just didn't want to do that myself. We didn't want a big party and I really didn't want to be the centre of attention.
We just wanted to be married.

derxa · 15/08/2022 12:10

brookstar · 15/08/2022 12:04

Show quote history

Fair enough. It's the old introvert/extrovert debate on MN. You're not a better person because you don't want to be the centre of attention.

brookstar · 15/08/2022 12:16

Fair enough. It's the old introvert/extrovert debate on MN. You're not a better person because you don't want to be the centre of attention.

Where did I suggest that makes me a better person.
You're jumping to conclusions.

The OP asked for opinions on having a small registry office wedding. Those of us that have done that offered up our experiences. There has been no suggestion that its' the best way to get married or that those who do it this way are in anyway superior. People have just said what works for them.

I've been married twice. My first wedding was a big wedding and I knew that when I met my now DH that I didn't want that type of wedding again.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/08/2022 12:21

It's your wedding and if your partner is happy with that too then go for it!

Beachbabe1 · 15/08/2022 12:34

We did this with 2 witnesses. Went to the beach for photos after & had a lovely meal in Southwold! Best day ever. No regrets! We did celebrate with family afterwards with a garden bbq party.

RealBecca · 15/08/2022 12:42

We did that. Decided we wanted the legal protection so did it at the registry office with 2 friends. Still haven't told anyone else. No fuss. No drama. Went for food after and home by 3pm. Loved it. No arsing around choosing fancy things.

But... Both of our families are very relaxed and wouldn't feel snubbed and we just saw it as a financial decision, hence no need to have a party, and not as a wedding celebration. So I'd say it depends whether you see marriage as an exciting event to celebrate or legal protection.

Neither are wrong but you should go with your heart on what YOU want, not compromising to avoid your MIL taking over.

Phos · 15/08/2022 12:50

We have just done this. I couldn't be bothered with all the organising and drama (and expense tbh) that comes with a big wedding which would be more to satisfy other people's expectations than being what we wanted. I was initially worried that my mum would be disappointed but if she was, she hasn't let on at all. My MIL is 100% the type to take over too so that was a consideration for me but we just told her straight out over dinner and she didn't seem to mind either. I think she'd already resigned herself to none of her kids ever marrying as her daughter is too much of a feminist to consider such a thing, her other son was disabled and DH is 40 now so we got married late (been together over a decade though)

We went to a registry office, we had lovely witnesses that we'd arranged beforehand, we went for a meal at a particular restaurant we've wanted to experience for a long time. It was our day. You have yours.

SoonToBeMrs91 · 15/08/2022 12:51

You should definitely have a wedding you want. Me and my husband did just that, went to registry office and got married. We didn't have a big wedding my mother wanted. She's still not happy about that almost 3 years later (she even said I did it to spite her), but I didn't get married to make her happy. I got married cause I wanted to marry my husband. I saved myself a lot of stress that comes with planning the wedding and a lot of money. I'd do it again this way in a heartbeat.

10HailMarys · 15/08/2022 13:24

Absolutely YANBU! Your wedding, your marriage, your choice. There's absolutely nothing selfish about it.

10HailMarys · 15/08/2022 13:25

derxa · 15/08/2022 12:10

Fair enough. It's the old introvert/extrovert debate on MN. You're not a better person because you don't want to be the centre of attention.

Show quote history

Nobody said they were. It's not a bloody debate, it's literally just someone stating their personal preference. Why are you touchy about this?

LindsayStauffer · 15/08/2022 13:31

Of COURSE it's not selfish in the slightest. It's your wedding. You just want to be married. It was very freeing for us when we realised you can become married without the 'wedding' that you think of when you hear the word. We had a six guest thing, no bridesmaids, hens, flowers, dancing, meals, nothing, and it was bliss. We loved it. You do you. You get married for you, not for your family or anyone else. People who love you will understand and those who make a thing out of it don't have your interests at heart.

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