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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how involved GP’s are with your DC

51 replies

LucyMo2 · 15/08/2022 09:34

I have a great mum and dad who are so involved with the kids, however FIL and MIL do not seem interested at all, we have just got back from holiday and they haven’t even called them to see if they had a nice time, they seem to make excuses up or ring us in a morning to tell us they are doing something so we don’t come round, maybe I am expecting too much but I just find it all a bit odd.

OP posts:

Original poster

LucyMo2 · 15/08/2022 10:51

Anyone?

OP posts:

dottymac · 15/08/2022 11:02

I don't have ONE single person on either side who is remotely interested/helpful with my kids. I say, cherish the ones who are and focus on them. Don't waste your tears and energy on those who aren't, you can't change others behaviour.

Rowen32 · 15/08/2022 11:03

If they're not interested they're not interested unfortunately, there's nothing you can do, some people just aren't..

Original poster

LucyMo2 · 15/08/2022 11:03

How do you deal with the hurt and resentment?

OP posts:

yomellamoHelly · 15/08/2022 11:06

My PIL got a puppy. That was when they stopped being an active part of the kids lives....

dottymac · 15/08/2022 11:08

I just tell myself that it's their choice, their loss. I don't dwell on it because I can't change it and life is busy enough and stressful enough at times without that negative energy rattling around in my head too. I focus on my family and feel proud of the little unit that we are, we will get there, just the 4 of us. You are stronger than you think 💪

Slimemonster · 15/08/2022 11:08

Absolutely no family here on either side. Not many friends either. Absolutely no babysitters ever, not even in an emergency.

It's hard and lonely on myself, I don't think the children notice currently but I'm sure they will as they get older and they notice more..

TheRaindanceWorked · 15/08/2022 11:09

This kind of behaviour is so alien to me. We have a grandchild and we and the other GPs are very involved and keen to see the little one whenever we can. Your inlaws' behaviour is not normal but there's really not much you can do about it except lower your expectations.

StanleyStanleyStanley · 15/08/2022 11:17

My DM has met DS once since he was born (he’s now 5). She literally wouldn’t be able to pick him from a line up of kids. My DDad we see probably 6 times a year for an afternoon typically.

Conversely DS is staying at PILs this week and MIL used to provide childcare when he was a toddler. So ultimately I think there’s no normal. Just some rubbish and distance family members and some that are involved.

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 15/08/2022 11:17

Not at all.
neither set of gps are in the remotest but interested.

With my mother it’s like my kids belong to someone else and are in no way are related to her. She never asks about them or sees them despite living about 10 minutes away.

PIL went off to Chester zoo because they love zoos and then came round to tell us about it. It’s school holidays, we are both working, it wouldn’t have killed them to take ds with them, we would have paid.
That’s the first time we’ve seen or heard from them in months.

Nope, they couldn’t give a shiny shite about any of us.

InChocolateWeTrust · 15/08/2022 11:20

How often are you expecting engagement/visits from them?

My parents ask about the children when they call me (about twice a week etc), they enjoy receiving pictures etc. If it's a suitable time of day we try to video call, we work and we have kids hobbies on the weekend so in reality this happens about once every 3 or 4 weeks. We see them either at ours or at theirs about once every 2 or 3 months.

I think sometimes people can be put off completely if expectations are for constant interest? People have their own lives to lead.

MaryJoLisa · 15/08/2022 11:21

My dad adores DD but is not hands on at all. When she was little, he'd babysit but be bricking it throughout. My xILs were insufferable very involved and hands on pre divorce, but they rarely get to see DD now which really upsets them.

autienotnaughty · 15/08/2022 12:00

Some people are less invested. My exmil and fil had dd several times a week, we would see them most days and they would take them away for weekends. My new mil and fil are very different, they do live an hour a way so that makes difference but we tend to visit once or twice a month and speak on phone most weeks. (This is for there dgc my dd is grown up now) They are total opposite with their dd's daughter, they see her daily have her most weekends and wil make sure they spend time with her v fore they go on hols etc.

PollyRockets · 15/08/2022 12:04

My mum and her husband are very involved

They've had all ours once a week since they were 6 weeks so we can have time to ourselves

When school aged they have them for 2 weeks during the summer holidays (they live by the coast)

My dad lives abroad so is less involved, but the older two now go stay with him in some school holidays on their own for a few weeks (he lives in China so not too local!)

My FIL doesn't give a shit about his own kids let alone grand children

We are NC with MIL, who is the only one who wants to be involved - but won't be allowed to.

My brother is also quite involved with mine, he has ASD but functions well and has them for the odd day out or Lego building session!

Beamur · 15/08/2022 12:05

My PIL have never been very interested. They were a bit more engaged with the older GC's but very hands off with DD.
I was a bit hurt as I would have liked DD to have had a similar experience to me growing up, but it wasn't to be. PIL were much older and just not interested in children.
My Mum was great but sadly died when DD was quite young.
My Dad is absent.

Roselilly36 · 15/08/2022 12:07

My late MIL was an awesome GP, very involved with our two DS’, if I am a GP in future I hope I am as good a GP, she was brilliant.

Twokidsanddone · 15/08/2022 12:12

MIL is fairly involved. She adores our DC and gets so excited to see them, video call them, any contact she can get really. I'm so grateful for her. My DM is no longer with us. DF lives quite far away and isn't really interested at all. Sees them maybe 2 3 times a year for an hour. Usually when his DP wants to come with him as if he's just trying to keep up appearances. And FIL we ended up NC with. We just carry on by reminding ourselves our DC deserve better than people who aren't interested sort of forcing themselves to be involved when they're clearly reluctant as one day DC will be old enough to pick up on it. They only need people in their lives who want to be. I'd love them to be surrounded by family as I never had that so it stings

WhatHaveIFound · 15/08/2022 12:13

My DC are young adults now but my in laws were very involved from the day they were born, looking after them one day a week after 6 months old and often living with us when they were between houses. FIL sadly died but they both have a great relationship with their grandma.

My parents have always been more distant and less hands on. DC tend to only see them on birthdays & Christmas even though I see them most weeks.

LynetteScavo · 15/08/2022 12:21

One of my DCs grandparents wasn't really bothered, was always unavailable if we asked for help- one was always turning up and annoying me. Guess which one my now older teens pop into visit. Over the years they've also threatened to go and live with Granny because apparently she's much more reasonable than me Grandparents get back what they put in.

Eunorition · 15/08/2022 12:29

One interested set, one utterly disinterested. Lost interest in their own children long ago. Don't care that we have kids, don't want to see them. They sit indoors and watch YouTube conspiracies and troll on Twitter.

No great loss.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/08/2022 12:34

Mine are older now but my mother was very involved when they were young, she did lots of childcare for us so we could work, I'm so grateful to her for that and because of that now they're adults they both have a great relationship with her. My dad wasn't involved much at all (parents are divorced) Unfortunately, my MIL died before I met my DH so no other granny, my FIL wasn't as involved as my mother but he always remembers their birthdays and he's got a good relationship with them

elQuintoConyo · 15/08/2022 12:35

My parents are back in the UK.
Grandad is great - zoom calls, interesting gifts, very hands on when he visits, he and DS natter four hours.
Grandma is hands off, has a favourite GC (not mine), and reads/does sudokus/sleeps in the comfiest chair in the sun when she visits. Barely interacts with DS.

Mil sadly died before DS was born, she was fab and would have loved him very much. Fil is very hands-off. He lives 3 miles away, with a Bil and Sil, and they never visit, don't invite around, don't invite out. Same with all 7 GC that live here - they refuse to fill the pool as the GC will be noisy!

It's only as DS started school that we got a good group of mates who we do sleepovers with and days out to give other parents a rest, too.

It's very sad, but there's no point mulling over it.

ThatsNotMyMuffin · 15/08/2022 12:39

In-laws were quite involved with DS but got a puppy when DD was born so they only see her when we bring her round.

PeekAtYou · 15/08/2022 12:40

Neither set of grandparents are involved here. They wouldn't recognise their grandchild if they walked past them in the street.

I don't resent or feel hurt tbh. I didn't have kids with thoughts of extended family being involved and in the case of my parents, my kids are old enough to know it's because I wanted them protected from my abusive mother. It's totally the right decision because the cycle of abuse ended with me and didn't pass onto my kids.

I am divorced from my kids dad but his parents aren't interested. I see it as one of those things - you don't miss what you never had.

enjoy the perks of having one set of interested grandparents.

Crunchingleaf · 15/08/2022 12:43

DH parents are both deceased before our DC born. They would of loved DGC and would have taken a great interest. They were mad for SH to settle down and have kids.
My DM couldn’t give a fig about my DC. She acts the part at family occasions when the extended family are there. They don’t even get a card on their birthday’s or Christmas. She never even asks about them. She takes more interest in my DSis child including lots of parenting advice. My DSIS reckons I am the lucky one.
My grandparents make a big fuss of them when we visit. Which is lovely to see.
As I always say DM is the one missing out not me or DC.

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