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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how involved GP’s are with your DC

51 replies

LucyMo2 · 15/08/2022 09:34

I have a great mum and dad who are so involved with the kids, however FIL and MIL do not seem interested at all, we have just got back from holiday and they haven’t even called them to see if they had a nice time, they seem to make excuses up or ring us in a morning to tell us they are doing something so we don’t come round, maybe I am expecting too much but I just find it all a bit odd.

OP posts:
AuntieMarys · 15/08/2022 12:46

We see dh's gc about every 2 months...they live about 20 mins away. We are all busy people...dh doesn't often get weekends off, we have visitors regularly, and go away a lot......they are a busy family...they visit friends, kids go to parties regularly etc.
Always have a nice time when we get together. We occasionally look after the eldest for a day but never both of them. They have other grandparents who do some childcare

underneaththeash · 15/08/2022 12:51

My DM great with them, see her fairly regularly (despite being far away), my dad died a long time ago.
my MIL is weird, acts interested, but actually isn’t. After a few weekends where we ran around after her and the kids, we said she can come regularly and help or come less frequently and not help. She chose the latter!

blebbleb · 15/08/2022 12:59

My in laws live 4 hours away and do what they can. If they lived closer I'm sure they would help out more. My mum says she'd help more (lives 2 hours away) but makes excuses. We don't have many close fiends who could help but I chose to have children so wouldn't assume grandparents would help. We manage fine between us even though it's hard sometimes. I don't have any resentment but we are quite an independent and close unit the 3 of us.

blebbleb · 15/08/2022 13:01

I think if you have one set of supportive grandparents you are lucky and should cherish that. Many people don't.

Fridaysgirl17 · 15/08/2022 13:01

My dad adores my kids,we actually live with him (temporarily) & my oldest son is my dad's shadow,he is great with them but I'd never leave them with him as they are so boisterous,I've left my eldest son for at most an hour,he is great lives them,cuddles etc, birthdays, Christmas all great,my mom has passed a few months ago but she adored my boys,she was in s care home but every day she'd ask for them,she had pictures everywhere of them,always sending home gifts not just fun stuff but practical bits. My kids barely know their dads family they are in Africa & dad left last year so it's less so now,we did used to facetime their gran & aunty every week,but there is no contact now,& grandad is passed many years on that side

Topseyt123 · 15/08/2022 13:03

DH's parents were quite interested in our Dad's, had them to stay occasionally etc., though didn't provide regular childcare (nor was it expected).

However, DH's younger brother was MIL's golden boy (a role he very much played up to) so when his daughter she began to take precedence over ours.

My parents were never interested in having much involvement and I knew they wouldn't be. They often impressed upon us as teenagers that we should never asked them to look after our children. That's the way it largely did stay although to be fair, my mother did come down and spend a couple of weeks looking after the older ones whenever I had another baby.

Beyond that, they came down once for a few days when I needed to go into hospital for surgery. Then nothing else. They would ask in a not particularly interested way about them on the phone each week and send money for Christmas and birthdays but very rarely saw them.

My parents were just interested in living in their own little bubble. Everyone else was on the periphery of that, including us children once we were grown up, and even more so their 6 grandchildren (my sister and I have three children each, all now in their twenties). I know they are entitled to do this, and OK, but it often came across as disinterest and unsupportiveness.

I think it is sad that my parents barely knew their grandchildren and I do hope that if I am ever fortunate enough to become a grandparent I will strike a much better balance than they did, without crossing the line into interfering. I want to be willing to give support where I received none, if it is required.

45hopperbunny · 15/08/2022 13:03

My dad isn’t in my life but my mum video calls the kids once a day/once every two days. She has my 15 month DD stay over once - three times a week depending how tired I am. My 3 month old DS has quite a few complex needs due to his genetic condition (in NICU for 6 weeks) so my mum is still getting used to him and hasn’t had him alone yet. She soon will though!

Ex dps dad lives in another country but his mum is somewhat involved. I personally can’t stand her so I don’t push for her to have a relationship with the kids however she does face time the kids every time ex dp is here. She’s never had either of my kids at her house alone because I don’t trust her but will visit the kids at my house.

So both grandma’s have a strong interest but my mum is closer to them because I’m closer to her. They both live about 20/30 mins away so I guess that helps

Topseyt123 · 15/08/2022 13:05

That should read that DH's parents were quite interested in our DDs. Not Dads. Ridiculous autocorrect!

gatehouseoffleet · 15/08/2022 13:07

LucyMo2 · 15/08/2022 11:03

How do you deal with the hurt and resentment?

Why do you feel hurt and resentful?

Were you thinking of future grandchildren when you were having sex which may or may not lead to children?

No?

So why do you think your in-laws should have done?

Some people don't really like kids. They do a reasonable job with their own (presumably your in-laws did or you wouldn't have married their son) but have no interest in anyone else's kids, including grandchildren.

I bet all you're really resentful about is that they don't provide free childcare/babysitting, anyway. Even though it sounds like you get plenty from your own parents. Lots of people don't live close to relatives so they don't get free childcare support anyway. You do, so be glass half full instead of empty.

TiredYorkshireMam · 15/08/2022 13:07

LucyMo2 · 15/08/2022 11:03

How do you deal with the hurt and resentment?

@LucyMo2 I bitch about them to mates. Not much else I can do. I spit venom from afar and it means I can just about keep my emotions under control on the rare occasions I have to see them.

It is heartbreaking seeing the kids jumping about, overjoyed to see them, and them acting the involved grandparents for all of an hour or so twice a year.

The first poster pretty much summed it up. It's shit unfortunately but it is what it is.

TiredYorkshireMam · 15/08/2022 13:11

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 15/08/2022 11:17

Not at all.
neither set of gps are in the remotest but interested.

With my mother it’s like my kids belong to someone else and are in no way are related to her. She never asks about them or sees them despite living about 10 minutes away.

PIL went off to Chester zoo because they love zoos and then came round to tell us about it. It’s school holidays, we are both working, it wouldn’t have killed them to take ds with them, we would have paid.
That’s the first time we’ve seen or heard from them in months.

Nope, they couldn’t give a shiny shite about any of us.

@ColinRobinsonsfamiliar came round to tell you about it!

Jesus Christ.

Sounds like something my PIL would do to be honest, although we don't live close enough for them to be bothered making the drive over, so we only see them when we go to them. But yes, they are selfish and tone-deaf like that.

LucyMo2 · 15/08/2022 13:16

@TiredYorkshireMam sorry but I don’t agree, it’s not about free childcare at all, I just want them to call them or something, I want them to feel loved by them.

OP posts:
TiredYorkshireMam · 15/08/2022 13:20

LucyMo2 · 15/08/2022 13:16

@TiredYorkshireMam sorry but I don’t agree, it’s not about free childcare at all, I just want them to call them or something, I want them to feel loved by them.

Don't think you meant to direct that at me?

LucyMo2 · 15/08/2022 13:22

Sorry no it wasn’t, it was aimed at @gatehouseoffleet

OP posts:
LindsayStauffer · 15/08/2022 13:23

Both sets are loving. We see one side probably once per month, the other once every few months, for a few hours at a time. It's lovely for DC.

mamabeeboo · 15/08/2022 13:31

Both sets of GPs actively involved in help with DS. They each look after him 1 day a week, the rest of the three days he's at nursery. DS has grown very fondly with both of them. We appreciate we are very lucky in that regard.

lookslikeabombhitit · 15/08/2022 13:33

Both my DM and dmil prefer seeing their grandkids at a distance, preferably by photo so they can pass them off as being taken by them as in their minds they are exceptional grandparents... 🤷🏼‍♀️🙄 Fil loves seeing the kids but is genuinely incompetent so can't be left alone with them for any great length of time. It blows my mind as both DM and dmil are 1. 'caring' professionals 2. Constantly pestered for grandkids for well over a decade before we had them and 3. Both benefitted from having amazingly hands on parents who looked after me and my siblings/ DH and both consistently said how they'd be having the kids for days out/ sleep overs/ holidays etc.

As for how you get over the hurt/frustration/ anger? You don't. You just bury it and hope it goes away. I just feel overwhelmingly sad/ angry for my kids- my grandparents on both sides were amazing people, took me to places, played with me, taught me to ride a bike and were generally engaged. I think having a close bond with grandparents is good for kids as they get to see different things/ build relationships with adults other than their parents. Sadly my DM and dmil would rather piss around playing nan of the year rather than actually engage with any of their grandkids.

lookslikeabombhitit · 15/08/2022 13:36

Further to pp. I'm incredibly lucky that I have one set of grandparents left. They adore my kids and light up when they see them- if they were younger and in better health I have no doubt that they'd be asking for them to stay over/ taking them out. I'm glad that at least my oldest two will have memories of them in the future.

Simonjt · 15/08/2022 13:36

My mum sees our two at least once a month and stays over for a few days (she lives two hours away) and we tend to go and see her once a month. She sometimes joins us on holiday.

My husbands parents have met their granddaughter once, they give zero shits and don’t even think she is their granddaughter.

NerrSnerr · 15/08/2022 13:38

How often do they see your children and how often do you want to see them?

eyriesend · 15/08/2022 13:42

We're no contact with them. They weren't interested for years before that so the difference hasn't been marked.

TooHotToTangoToo · 15/08/2022 13:42

My dp aren't involved at all, they love them and are interested, but have never babysat, we see them maybe once a year.

PossiblyPertunia · 15/08/2022 13:44

I have a 2 year old.
My dad has never met him.
My mum expects us to take him down once a month. Doesn't call or check in between that.
My PIL provide full time child care and miss him over the weekend if they don't see him.

I just dont think there is any more...

GiltEdges · 15/08/2022 13:44

I’m NC with my dad and DH the same with his mum, so DS only has two GPs who are involved in his life.

I’d say we see my mum/FIL every couple of weeks or so when we visit them; neither ever visits us. FIL has a new partner now and will very occasionally offer to take DS for a couple of hours on a weekend afternoon, but that’s about it. Neither set has ever offered to have him longer/overnight, but they do enjoy seeing him.

We’ve never relied on parents for childcare, nor would we want to.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 15/08/2022 13:51

My dc see no dgps. I am nc with my dps and mil snubbed our dc when they were born. We moved a bit away and she told people we had taken dc away. She never bothered.. Her loss. Fil followed suit which hurt dh so badly but we accepted their choice years ago. Been over 7 years now.

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