Friends insinuating I’m a shit parent?

[Bnxybee]

I have a clever, wonderful but difficult 3 y/o DS. He has hyperlexia and other traits of ASD; He flaps/stims, has echolalia, will arrange his cars in alphabetical order, won’t try new foods, has never been a good sleeper, and potty training is proving to be a nightmare. He’s also affectionate, incredibly smart, playful, and very creative. Oh, and hyperactive. I have ADHD so it’s very likely he’s ND.

Anyway, I’m sick of the comments and comparisons from friends. I took him to a barbecue the other week and brought snacks with us because I know how fussy he is (yogurts, bananas, breadsticks and crisps). He sat next to my friends kids (and foster kid) who ate everything from potato salads to chicken kebabs. They’ll also eat carrots, hummus, green smoothies, etc. Mine just won’t. I heard a few remarks which I initially brushed off but they played on my mind when I got home (“A child won’t starve. They’ll eat eventually”). My friend also mentioned that her foster child only ate beige foods when he came to her but now eats everything because she persevered. The child in question comes from an abusive background (allegedly) so I’m not happy about the comparison.

We went to the beach a few days later and DS was too scared to go into the sea with the other kids. My friend looked concerned and asked me when I last took him to the beach (a fortnight ago) and gestured towards her kids and said, “These love it”. Then the foster carer commented that her foster child was also terrified when he first came to her. Pissed me off, tbh. I do loads with him. We go to the park almost everyday. Soft play once a week. He goes to nursery when I’m in work so he’s well socialised.

We recently upgraded from a 50” to a 55” TV. My friend visited and said, “Just look at that. My brother and Amy only have a small TV because they don’t really have time to watch it. They’re always out doing stuff with George”. (Names have been changed, obviously).

Am I being too sensitive or is it time to distance myself from them?

I had this. The only difference is that my ND child did not get her diagnosis until she was 18. The jury is out on the other one but that's a whole other thread...

So, I spend the majority of my time severely lacking confidence in my parenting skills and switched between thinking it was me and resenting other parents. It was a very lonely time.

You have an advantage, which is your son's diagnosis. This is your clarity, which tells you it's not you or your son but it is them. If I had had this when mine were young, I think I would have been a far happier person because I would have distanced myself straightaway. Unfortunately, the majority of parents I came across were very much like this - think leafy middle class area and all the negative connotations that go with it.

I agree with the others in that these people are not your friends and urge you to find your people.

Thanks everyone.

DS hasn’t had a diagnosis yet but he was referred by his HV some time ago (there’s a long waiting list). I’ve had people comment that he’s so clever he should pick up toilet training really quickly. He may be able to recite his alphabet backwards (I’m actually serious) but I’m having a nightmare toilet training him and trying to get him drinking out a cup (meltdowns, head butting, etc). Unfortunately people think he’s spoilt and I’ve been told not to label him.

Some of the ASD/ND behaviours include flapping and stimming, arranging his cars in alphabetical order in a perfect line, echolalia, repeating himself numerous times when anxious, and sensory issues.

He does have good eye contact and will engage in imaginary play IF it’s car or alphabet related.

I’ve had one friend say that this behaviour isn’t autism but due to lockdowns (same one who commented on our tv).

The above things did fall into place with us with maturity. We just needed to work harder and longer. The good thing is you have the health service behind you - and early - which is no mean feat.

I got the labelling debate from people, too, but the label is your passport to the right support as anything that works with NT kids doesn't always work with ND children. Had I had the label earlier, I wouldn't have been battling with schools, nhs, other parents - or I would have but would've felt in a far stronger position and it would have had less of an impact on my own well-being

We found diagnosis (ADHD) useful, even though he has never been on medication. It was helpful for his teachers to understand that on some days, however difficult the behaviour is, that is him doing the best that he can today. Certain situations could be overwhelming and sometimes the best approach is just to allow him a little time to gather himself before returning. He got very good at stepping away, calming himself and stepping back in, even at primary. The trouble would tend to happen when people start "mother henning" at him, go after him and don't give him space. I was really worried about how he would get on at high school, after a really supportive primary, but of course staff don't crowd round the kids at high school if they start getting stressed out, so in many ways it's easier.

The foster situation isn't the same, a lot of foster kids will be nervous of things they have limited experience of and will get better at this as they get used to it, that's part of the foster carers job. It's not likely to work the same with a child who has had exposure to the same things from birth and is struggling for a different reason.

I agree I think she's possibly thinking it's the same when it's not. She may be trying to be supportive and helpful. She might be open to you saying explicitly that it's not helpful because your situation is different.