Friends insinuating I’m a shit parent?

[Bnxybee]

I have a clever, wonderful but difficult 3 y/o DS. He has hyperlexia and other traits of ASD; He flaps/stims, has echolalia, will arrange his cars in alphabetical order, won’t try new foods, has never been a good sleeper, and potty training is proving to be a nightmare. He’s also affectionate, incredibly smart, playful, and very creative. Oh, and hyperactive. I have ADHD so it’s very likely he’s ND.

Anyway, I’m sick of the comments and comparisons from friends. I took him to a barbecue the other week and brought snacks with us because I know how fussy he is (yogurts, bananas, breadsticks and crisps). He sat next to my friends kids (and foster kid) who ate everything from potato salads to chicken kebabs. They’ll also eat carrots, hummus, green smoothies, etc. Mine just won’t. I heard a few remarks which I initially brushed off but they played on my mind when I got home (“A child won’t starve. They’ll eat eventually”). My friend also mentioned that her foster child only ate beige foods when he came to her but now eats everything because she persevered. The child in question comes from an abusive background (allegedly) so I’m not happy about the comparison.

We went to the beach a few days later and DS was too scared to go into the sea with the other kids. My friend looked concerned and asked me when I last took him to the beach (a fortnight ago) and gestured towards her kids and said, “These love it”. Then the foster carer commented that her foster child was also terrified when he first came to her. Pissed me off, tbh. I do loads with him. We go to the park almost everyday. Soft play once a week. He goes to nursery when I’m in work so he’s well socialised.

We recently upgraded from a 50” to a 55” TV. My friend visited and said, “Just look at that. My brother and Amy only have a small TV because they don’t really have time to watch it. They’re always out doing stuff with George”. (Names have been changed, obviously).

Am I being too sensitive or is it time to distance myself from them?

The child in question comes from an abusive background (allegedly) so I’m not happy about the comparison.

What do you mean, “allegedly”? And why don’t you like your child being compared to a foster child? Sorry but the way you speak about the foster child in your post doesn’t quite sit right with me.

Mum of ASD here - you need to find your tribe. Other parents who have walked your path. Fuck these odd. TBH you had me at houmous.

Oh don’t be obtuse. There’s an underlying insinuation that the OPs child might be behaving like this because of abuse, when a foster child removed from its parents is used as a comparator.

These people are not your friends.

I really, really mean that. You will be so much happier if you stop hanging around with them.

Aw you sound like a nice, normal parent and your friends are arseholes.

It’s really hard when they’re little, on my experience that’s when the judging is worst.

It can be very lonely being the parent of an ND child, but better to be alone than surrounded by dickheads.

I think if you distance yourself from these people you will make space for better friendships.

Well obviously OP has only been told that the child was neglected (by the same person that clearly thinks she's neglecting her child). And by saying the two are the same she's implying that OPs child behaves in the same way for for same reasons (because OPs child is also neglected)

OP honestly she thinks you're a shit mum that isn't looking after your child properly and that she'd do a better job. Bin her off. There will always be women that think they're the best parents in the world and everyone else is shit. You sound like you're doing a great job.

Distance yourself if it's getting to you. These people are competitive and looking down their noses at you. I am ND, diagnosed in adulthood. Ate a very limited diet of beige foods until I was early 20s when I outgrew it. My mum used to get comments along the lines of, 'I would make her eat it'. Oh no, they wouldn't have done. You are doing nothing wrong and don't have to take this from other people.

I would say something , my son is a very fussy eater even now at 19 and we tried everything , nothing worked its how he is .
Pisses me right off when people think we could just starve him and he would then magically eat the foods he doesn't like
Younger ds eats a wide variety so clearly not down to how they are brought up
People can be dicks and you know what karma comes around as every child will have a challenge at some point

And my son doesn't have asd ( that we know of ) but food phobia

Absolutely this ! 🤣

I live in a Napoy Valley in South London. My daughter was born eight weeks early and very small, so when she was allowed home and I could take her out the other mothers I met were bitchy about her size and alluded I must have done some when I was pregnant that led to this. In fact I had pre-eclampsia., which I couldn't have helped. I couldn't bf her so used bottles...of course I was a bad mum. I tried making mum friends at groups etc but I was continually judged and in the end stopped going. Even doctors would criticise her development nastily.

My DH's friends wife at the time and an old mate from school were my saving grace. They kept me company and offered good support. They said those bitchy women aren't worth my time, and they were right.

My daughter's development issues resolved themselves in the end but I realised this "competitive parenting" was toxic.

Dump those friends, and stick to the ones who offer you support, not criticism.

Sorry typos

My DSis used to respond to people like this with: 'We're not into competitive parenting'. It's pretty unanswerable!

I think you need some new friends.

It sounds like you're doing an epic job.

Btw I have two kids with ASD

One will eat just about anything with the exception of a few things eg anything more than mildly spiced foods as they cant tolerate the heat so will be the one sitting there eating veg,kebabs,green juice etc

And the other is the one who sticks to safe foods and I'll probably bring food for.

I know that MN doesn't like these terms but my fussy eater is the one with high functioning ASD and the one who'll eat most things is the one who's quite severely autistic.

Every child is different.

Your "friend" with the foster kid is a snug cow who's full of the stuff that falls out of a cows backside.

Yanbu. They're passive aggressive arseholes.

Put your son first. What do these children mean to him? Are they special to him? If so, don your mask and keep visiting enemy territory. If he wins, you win.

for fun and bonus points start telling them how worried you are about him and count the seconds till someone announces that she is “a very relaxed parent”.

I think rhe foster carer is juat (rightly) proud of the job ahe has done with t h e Foster kids.wht are you getting she is judging and comparing you?

my First thought when I read the tittle of your post was We all are paranoid about what others think about our parenting and usually it’s just in our heads. But your friend is a bit shit. A bit of a cow. A bit of a show pony. And a little bit thick if she doesn’t realise she is being a bitch.

I had an NT child first and was probably a bit smug and self-congratulary on the way I managed behaviour and eating habits etc

Second child is autistic and it was a bit of a shock when my parenting style and strategies just did not work the same way at all. It’s been a learning curve and I feel pretty ashamed at times how I used to judge fussy eaters etc

i think it’s easy for parents of only NT kids to not realise it is completely different when special needs are in the mix and they wouldn’t be doing anything any better than you are.

of course there are some lovely parents who are educated and non-judgemental but generally speaking meeting other mums in similar positions is the best way forward. I’ve found Facebook groups very useful for this!

We tried that with DS, he will not eat things he doesn't like - and won't even try most things. And hunger is a trigger for meltdowns, so we don't let him get hungry now even if it means his diet isn't ideal and involves too many pizzas and not enough veg - he'll only eat carrots, cucumber and lettuce veg/salad wise anyway. I dream of the time he would also eat sweetcorn and peas.

They are not friends sadly.
My sons 18 with severe autism and a very very limited diet.
My friends phone me if invited to bbqs or days out ect to ask what they could provide or do to make my son feel comfortable or included x
That's what friends do .

The TV comment seems an outright brag but the others stuff could be contsrued as misplaced but sincere encouragement. I assume your friends know your DS has ASD?

Hold fast! DS has SN was a nightmare at that age and we had to be quite thick-skinned. Now he's 13 and (I'll say it here as we're anonymous) we're the envy of some of the friends and family whose children were easier as toddlers. He is still him, far too much energy and over-reacts sometimes and has a drama, but he is pretty biddable and well-mannered, and full of enthusiasm while other kids have to be dragged kicking and screaming to family activity that hasn't been selected specifically with them in mind.

My DD was a very small and picky eater. I know that others thought I was pandering to her. Turns out she’s a coeliac.

When she was much younger she just thought always having a tummy ache after eating was normal.

You are the person that knows your child best. Be open to others ideas but stick to your guns. It’s very easy for people who have easy children to think it’s their parenting that makes them so. It’s possible they have other difficulties with their kids that your child is fine with (sleeping, bed wetting etc).

in the long term it might be helpful for you to meet other mums with children similar to yours.

Your FC 'friend' should not be discussing her foster child with anyone. You should not be privy to why he / she is being looked after, nor any of his/ her day to day likes and dislikes
Maybe you could drop in the word confidentiality when she is spouting on and making comparisons
I fostered for ten years, I also have a GS with ASD, how bloody dare she make comparisons