Friends insinuating I’m a shit parent?

[Bnxybee]

I have a clever, wonderful but difficult 3 y/o DS. He has hyperlexia and other traits of ASD; He flaps/stims, has echolalia, will arrange his cars in alphabetical order, won’t try new foods, has never been a good sleeper, and potty training is proving to be a nightmare. He’s also affectionate, incredibly smart, playful, and very creative. Oh, and hyperactive. I have ADHD so it’s very likely he’s ND.

Anyway, I’m sick of the comments and comparisons from friends. I took him to a barbecue the other week and brought snacks with us because I know how fussy he is (yogurts, bananas, breadsticks and crisps). He sat next to my friends kids (and foster kid) who ate everything from potato salads to chicken kebabs. They’ll also eat carrots, hummus, green smoothies, etc. Mine just won’t. I heard a few remarks which I initially brushed off but they played on my mind when I got home (“A child won’t starve. They’ll eat eventually”). My friend also mentioned that her foster child only ate beige foods when he came to her but now eats everything because she persevered. The child in question comes from an abusive background (allegedly) so I’m not happy about the comparison.

We went to the beach a few days later and DS was too scared to go into the sea with the other kids. My friend looked concerned and asked me when I last took him to the beach (a fortnight ago) and gestured towards her kids and said, “These love it”. Then the foster carer commented that her foster child was also terrified when he first came to her. Pissed me off, tbh. I do loads with him. We go to the park almost everyday. Soft play once a week. He goes to nursery when I’m in work so he’s well socialised.

We recently upgraded from a 50” to a 55” TV. My friend visited and said, “Just look at that. My brother and Amy only have a small TV because they don’t really have time to watch it. They’re always out doing stuff with George”. (Names have been changed, obviously).

Am I being too sensitive or is it time to distance myself from them?

Tell them to fuck off and take their hummous with them. 😂

These are your friend's??? I wouldn't bother to be honest. Sounds like you are doing an amazing job. Dont just ignore them don't bother with them. They sound smug and self righteous.

I think you need to pull them up on it because they clearly don’t understand and think unfairly about the situation. I’d explain the reality and clearly say the two examples you’ve given and why they were very insulting.

your friends should rightly be ashamed.

This is a fantastic response 😁

Is it the same friend making the comments? The TV one is clearly pointed and quite rude. But the others about the food and the sea COULD possibly be well meaning, and trying to "help" your child overcome their fears or to try new foods. It's hard to know without context.

I have a child with ASD and I occasionally get comments such as these. Generally they come from a good places but I tend to just calmly explain why he can't do xyz and they do tend to take it in board.

Except the time someone who should know better made a very pointed remark about their (perceived) view on the amount of screen time my child gets (actually much less less than their peers), and they did get a snotty message from me.

^^ this!

Your friends sound like cunts

They sound like absolute bellends. Especially the Foster mum she really needs to get over herself, she probably tears the kid a new one behind closed doors if he ever shows her up. They aren't your friends.

definitely this

They are dicks.
The FC “friend” is actually concerning, surely she’d have had to do training on ND children and genuinely doesn’t think she can parent the ND behaviour out of them?

I feel I’m in a similar position - family are just as bad as friends sometimes too. Sucks, doesn’t it. It’s just sheer ignorance on their part. I’d confront them next time.

Urgh. They are not your friends, but they are judgey knickers arseholes who have no clue about neurodiversity

My response to the foster carer... "oh really, I hope for the DCs sake tgere is no ND involved as that would be an incredibly cruel thing to do to an already traumatised ND DC"

To the Frenemy "well aren't you lucky to not be dealing with any kind of SN" & roll eyes in an exaggerated obvious way.

Better still, find new friends. These lot will only drag you& your DC down

She has fostered numerous children with behavioural issues but I think a lot of these behaviours stemmed from their backgrounds and weren’t ND issues. She’s applying her knowledge of foster children with attachment issues to my DS and I don’t like it.

The TV remark is just plain rude (dump that one), the others could be genuine. Explain to them clearly that a child with ASD can have sensory issues plus problems processing the world and it’s a neurological condition that can be managed but not changed, so please don’t compare to NT kids. And if they don’t hear that then drop them.

Find better friends.
Do you get anything positive at all out of seeing them? They sound incredibly ignorant and tone deaf.

55inch tv… why the extra 5 inches?

Also it’s really hard being a parent, especially one with a child with extra needs

Have you actually told your friends about DS's condition?
Perhaps they just assume he's being difficult.

I'm team fuck the humous.

I'm a little bit uncomfortable about the foster carers insistence re: perseverance if the child has a history of abuse.

Because our last one broke

I can't stand those comments. They don't have an understanding of neurodiverse children and are sounding a bit judgemental. I used to think if I persevered with DS (who has ASD traits and is being assessed) he would eat more of a variety and even wondered why parents didn't just feed their kids healthy food and wait for them to be hungry enough. I now know this works for children with ASD. They just don't understand what your child needs, only you do and it sounds like you're doing a brilliant job. Ignore them if you can.

The Foster mum may be trying to be genuine but is coming from the wrong place.

also who cares about the tv. Mines huge only gets put on when dh wants to use it so it’s off 90% of the time as a huge wall ornament.

the other mum just tell to piss off.

Ha, I mean I now know this does not work for children with ASD!

Totally agree, the whole eat what I say or go hungry stance to a child in care really isn't on and kind of telling of a general attitude 😔

Next time have your response ready.

It's fascinating isn't it how trauma responses can mimic neurodivergence but with the right care they can be sometimes remarkably quickly overcome. Wish it was so simple with lifelong issues like autism or ADHD etc

Say 'Do you have a lot of experience with children who have ASD?'

To be honest not eating the food their kids eat and being nervous of the sea are both totally normal for a 3 yo from what I've seen (at least I hope so!). So even if you didn't suspect asd or similar they'd be being ridiculous.

A one off comment I'd dismiss as just not thinking about what they are saying, but if these remarks are frequent you need to make it clear they shouldn't compare or just distance yourself as they sound quite judgy.