Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends insinuating I’m a shit parent?

80 replies

Bnxybee · 14/08/2022 17:08

I have a clever, wonderful but difficult 3 y/o DS. He has hyperlexia and other traits of ASD; He flaps/stims, has echolalia, will arrange his cars in alphabetical order, won’t try new foods, has never been a good sleeper, and potty training is proving to be a nightmare. He’s also affectionate, incredibly smart, playful, and very creative. Oh, and hyperactive. I have ADHD so it’s very likely he’s ND.

Anyway, I’m sick of the comments and comparisons from friends. I took him to a barbecue the other week and brought snacks with us because I know how fussy he is (yogurts, bananas, breadsticks and crisps). He sat next to my friends kids (and foster kid) who ate everything from potato salads to chicken kebabs. They’ll also eat carrots, hummus, green smoothies, etc. Mine just won’t. I heard a few remarks which I initially brushed off but they played on my mind when I got home (“A child won’t starve. They’ll eat eventually”). My friend also mentioned that her foster child only ate beige foods when he came to her but now eats everything because she persevered. The child in question comes from an abusive background (allegedly) so I’m not happy about the comparison.

We went to the beach a few days later and DS was too scared to go into the sea with the other kids. My friend looked concerned and asked me when I last took him to the beach (a fortnight ago) and gestured towards her kids and said, “These love it”. Then the foster carer commented that her foster child was also terrified when he first came to her. Pissed me off, tbh. I do loads with him. We go to the park almost everyday. Soft play once a week. He goes to nursery when I’m in work so he’s well socialised.

We recently upgraded from a 50” to a 55” TV. My friend visited and said, “Just look at that. My brother and Amy only have a small TV because they don’t really have time to watch it. They’re always out doing stuff with George”. (Names have been changed, obviously).

Am I being too sensitive or is it time to distance myself from them?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bnxybee · 14/08/2022 18:06

IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 14/08/2022 18:00

Next time have your response ready.

It's fascinating isn't it how trauma responses can mimic neurodivergence but with the right care they can be sometimes remarkably quickly overcome. Wish it was so simple with lifelong issues like autism or ADHD etc

Fantastic way to put it. Thank you.

OP posts:
Opaljewel · 14/08/2022 18:13

LauraSaidIShouldBeNicer · 14/08/2022 17:11

Tell them to fuck off and take their hummous with them. 😂

Best comment.

BryceQuinlanTheFirst · 14/08/2022 18:21

I have an autistic son and I just wouldn't want to be around people like this. I am only friends with people who get it. I don't have energy for anyone else.

MyHeartSings · 14/08/2022 18:23

Definitely on team fuck off! People who haven’t got ND kids or kids with any kids of disability etc have got no idea. I just breathe when I get the crappy comments about any aspect of how I give my DD what she needs and remind myself that they don’t understand. I then remove myself from their company as much as possible. You don’t need to be friends with people like this, you’ve got enough to deal with.

Inmy40 · 14/08/2022 18:30

I also had a hyperlexic/ASD toddler who wouldn’t eat any of the foods other children would eat and like you I also took snacks to parties and days out so that he would at least eat something. He’s now a teenager and eats everything. Surround yourself with kind, non judgmental people. You have a long journey ahead which will be different in some ways to others and support will be needed not judgement x

Iizzyb · 14/08/2022 18:43

This year I finally told my family to stop trying to "improve" ds if they look after him when I'm not there.

Yes he'll eat a bit of carrot for you and then when I get him home he'll cry & say he never wants to go there again. Excellent outcome. Brilliant in fact.

I'm absolutely with you op and incredibly cross on your behalf too xxx

Nanny0gg · 14/08/2022 18:51

Bnxybee · 14/08/2022 17:31

She has fostered numerous children with behavioural issues but I think a lot of these behaviours stemmed from their backgrounds and weren’t ND issues. She’s applying her knowledge of foster children with attachment issues to my DS and I don’t like it.

Show quote history

And nor should you.

Definitely distance yourself and try and find nicer friends.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 14/08/2022 19:23

Sounds like your son has the perfect parent for him. Keep that at the front of your mind. And feck the rest of them.

sidheandlight · 14/08/2022 20:01

IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 14/08/2022 18:00

Next time have your response ready.

It's fascinating isn't it how trauma responses can mimic neurodivergence but with the right care they can be sometimes remarkably quickly overcome. Wish it was so simple with lifelong issues like autism or ADHD etc

this is a good response. Your friend clearly doesn't really understand and feels she is a parenting expert, so maybe explain a little more.

Revolvingwhore · 14/08/2022 20:06

Bnxybee · 14/08/2022 17:08

I have a clever, wonderful but difficult 3 y/o DS. He has hyperlexia and other traits of ASD; He flaps/stims, has echolalia, will arrange his cars in alphabetical order, won’t try new foods, has never been a good sleeper, and potty training is proving to be a nightmare. He’s also affectionate, incredibly smart, playful, and very creative. Oh, and hyperactive. I have ADHD so it’s very likely he’s ND.

Anyway, I’m sick of the comments and comparisons from friends. I took him to a barbecue the other week and brought snacks with us because I know how fussy he is (yogurts, bananas, breadsticks and crisps). He sat next to my friends kids (and foster kid) who ate everything from potato salads to chicken kebabs. They’ll also eat carrots, hummus, green smoothies, etc. Mine just won’t. I heard a few remarks which I initially brushed off but they played on my mind when I got home (“A child won’t starve. They’ll eat eventually”). My friend also mentioned that her foster child only ate beige foods when he came to her but now eats everything because she persevered. The child in question comes from an abusive background (allegedly) so I’m not happy about the comparison.

We went to the beach a few days later and DS was too scared to go into the sea with the other kids. My friend looked concerned and asked me when I last took him to the beach (a fortnight ago) and gestured towards her kids and said, “These love it”. Then the foster carer commented that her foster child was also terrified when he first came to her. Pissed me off, tbh. I do loads with him. We go to the park almost everyday. Soft play once a week. He goes to nursery when I’m in work so he’s well socialised.

We recently upgraded from a 50” to a 55” TV. My friend visited and said, “Just look at that. My brother and Amy only have a small TV because they don’t really have time to watch it. They’re always out doing stuff with George”. (Names have been changed, obviously).

Am I being too sensitive or is it time to distance myself from them?

Having additional needs children is difficult for so many reasons; one of the main ones being that even people who claim to be your friends and claim to empathise don't have a fucking clue how easy they have it in comparison.

You keep parenting your children in ways that work, ignore everything else as background noise. Taking them to a BBQ and bringing food they like, you sound brilliant already. Fuck 'em.

Thatiswild · 14/08/2022 20:14

This would do my head in! They sound awful and parents like this are so bloody irritating. It sounds like you are doing such a great job and I would definitely distance myself from these ‘friends’ and if they compare again I’d pull them up on it, that’s really unhelpful or that’s quite rude should do it!

GalactatingGoddess · 14/08/2022 20:18

Who gives a sh*t what these nonsense people think. Children don't need to go to the beach fortnightly, nor do they have to eat bbq foods.
How ridiculous and judgemental.

Ahnobother · 14/08/2022 20:20

I don't have any tips but I do want to say that you sound like you're doing a great job and I'd hope if you were my friend that I'd be telling you that and would be there for you when it's tough as it surely must be.
And bin the friends if they keep that up after you've told them how they've got it wrong.

godmum56 · 14/08/2022 20:21

LauraSaidIShouldBeNicer · 14/08/2022 17:11

Tell them to fuck off and take their hummous with them. 😂

this absolutely

SullysBabyMama · 14/08/2022 20:26

I think you need to start letting people know when they offend you. See how they react. That should tell you if this friendship is worth it. If you don’t get a response you like maybe stop being “friends” with these people.

Also I’m sure you know but others might not so, If your son is ASD then he won’t eat if you persevere. Coming from an adult who was hospitalised and operated on twice in childhood as I starved myself so badly I damaged my stomach because my parents had this attitude.

Merryoldgoat · 14/08/2022 20:28

LauraSaidIShouldBeNicer · 14/08/2022 17:11

Tell them to fuck off and take their hummous with them. 😂

Absolutely this ☝🏽

StaunchMomma · 14/08/2022 20:39

Pretentious, judgey TWUNTS with zero idea of what it's like to have an ND child.

Put them right, OP!!

Being picky about flavours and textures is incredibly common in ND kids, as is not wanting to get involved with things if they feel uneasy.

No amount of humous or trips to the beach will change it!

They sound just utterly ignorant, they really do.

As if you can compare a foster child with an ND one 😂

StaunchMomma · 14/08/2022 20:40

In all honesty I'd send them the link to this thread.

They need to hear how vile they're being.

StaunchMomma · 14/08/2022 20:47

Bex268 · 14/08/2022 17:28

I feel I’m in a similar position - family are just as bad as friends sometimes too. Sucks, doesn’t it. It’s just sheer ignorance on their part. I’d confront them next time.

It's really hard, isn't it. People just don't understand.

My Mum absolutely adores my DS but recently I took her away with us for a few days and she dropped an absolute clanger that just floored me. My DS was being a bid nabout the day's activities (it was only day 2, he was struggling with the change of routine plus missing his Dad) and she huffed and said 'NORMAL kids would love this!'. Honestly, I was so upset. These things really cut deep and are hard to get past.

It seems it's harder for people to get their heads around when it's not obvious anything is different about the child, they just put everything down to behaviour.

Viviennemary · 14/08/2022 20:50

These people are making you feel bad about yourself. And this is never a good thing. I think you shoild distance yourself from them. A lot of children are fussy eaters.

Sunnyqueen · 14/08/2022 20:54

StaunchMomma · 14/08/2022 20:40

In all honesty I'd send them the link to this thread.

They need to hear how vile they're being.

That is a great idea.

Itreallyistimetogo · 14/08/2022 21:05

LauraSaidIShouldBeNicer · 14/08/2022 17:11

Tell them to fuck off and take their hummous with them. 😂

👆 this. Absolutely twats.

Beepbeepenergy · 14/08/2022 21:23

Defo NO CONTACT them… they are not friends ❤️
ps it’s actually reallllly satisfying to no contact someone and to watch and hear their responses :) good luck

tictoc76 · 14/08/2022 21:33

I’m sorry to say I used to silently judge until I had a child who wouldn’t eat everything and I would rather feed him chocolate for breakfast than see him not eat all day! I’m so embarrassed that I was so judgemental of others because I really used to think it was the parenting - maybe one day they will wake up but you’re his mother and you know best so ignore

Original poster
Bnxybee · 14/08/2022 21:41

tictoc76 · 14/08/2022 21:33

I’m sorry to say I used to silently judge until I had a child who wouldn’t eat everything and I would rather feed him chocolate for breakfast than see him not eat all day! I’m so embarrassed that I was so judgemental of others because I really used to think it was the parenting - maybe one day they will wake up but you’re his mother and you know best so ignore

Ditto. But I grew up with a mum who complained about the crap my friends ate and compared herself to mums who hardly cooked. I naively thought my child would eat anything.

OP posts: