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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know what to do with my mother?

69 replies

Getoffmygrass · 14/08/2022 14:13

My mum and I have always had a semi close relationship. Growing up things were difficult I “…wasn’t the kind of daughter, I wanted” was something she once said to me. I was very shy and found people quite tricky. If you asked her what I was like a child, she would say difficult and challenging.

I always try to make time for her. Her and my dad come away with us for two weeks a year on holiday, we see them weekly as we live locally. For context both my DH and me work full time (I’ve only been back to work for four years) and we have two children with special needs - both attend specialist schools and have high needs.

Growing up and even now my mum would compare our families to others, that “we didn’t raise you right”. We’re just an ordinary family, she has friends who have big celebrations, exotic holidays so I think she spends a lot of time comparing. Somehow compared to her friends it feels like we don’t quite measure up.

She’s been retired a few years now and although
my dad has hobbies my mum doesn’t. Admittedly my dad needs to do more in the house and my mum is keen to have the house updated - my dad isn’t brilliant about sorting it.

I’ve not seen her for over a week as we’ve not been well yet I ring her every other day at least but today she said she doesn’t feel part of the family. I just don’t know how to make her life better. I’ve suggested a dog to get her out and about (she’s always wanted a dog so she says), arts and crafts, the gym, WI. There seems to be a lot of dissatisfaction around how her life is compared to her friends. She’s reasonably fit and healthy and they have enough money to accommodate any trips or activities she wanted to do. But I feel the burden of trying to improve her life is falling to me. She frequently mentions divorcing my dad as he’s not updated the house for years. I’m doing my best but my time is limited and I have my plate full with my kids. My sibling lives in another country so can’t help in any practical way. She’s been on for years about divorcing my dad due to her house not being how she wants it and I do to a degree understand but I’m not sure even if the house was done, she’d be content with that. After another difficult conversation today, I just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

vincettenoir · 14/08/2022 14:21

You need to free yourself from this responsibility to provide her with fulfilment. It’s absolutely not you’re responsibility. And from the little you have said my impression is that it is a black hole that will never be filled. Continue to accommodate her in your life but maintain your focus on your own DC, where you can continue to make a difference.

WorkinOnOurNightMoves · 14/08/2022 14:26

I think you need to stop thinking of this as your problem. Why can’t she sort her own social life out? It sounds like she’ll never be happy though, she’s one of those that always compares. It will drain you if you keep taking her needs on your shoulders.

You have your own life, needs and worries, work full time, have children with high needs, yet you’re worrying about her. She sounds very selfish. I would start putting yourself first.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 14/08/2022 14:28

[your mother] is a black hole that will never be filled.

Agreed.

RandomMess · 14/08/2022 14:35

Urgh you need to step back and fast.

Her happiness is her responsibility no one else's!

dottiedodah · 14/08/2022 14:37

She obv has issues here.She feels inferior to many friends who no doubt put everything on FB and she gets to see it all.Then feels she doesnt measure up .Not your problem though .If she was going to divorce Dad she would have by now! Maybe call her weekly instead .Just say you are busy .Suggest a dog WI whatever but its her call as to whether she does anything about it. She may just have got used to complaining!

Alfreddo83 · 14/08/2022 14:40

Why is she your problem?

She sounds like a nightmare, take a major step back and prioritise your own DH and DC. She's a grown woman and needs to find her own hobbies, if she hates the house so much she could learn some DIY and sort it on her own.

BubbleDoubleTrouble3 · 14/08/2022 14:48

Does your DM drive or have a bus pass ?
Is she mobile ?
In her area, can she join; the local college for courses, library, WI, knit &, natter, volunteer, work PT, swim or gym, theatre, allotment, holidays, caravan, paint, DIY, garden....

So many opportunities, but she needs to make the effort herself

BubbleDoubleTrouble3 · 14/08/2022 14:49

Does your DM have access to her own money ?

eyeoresancerre · 14/08/2022 14:54

She's not part of your family. You have your own family that she is welcome to visit. She should not feel part of your family. She is not your responsibility to make happy. Do not go on holiday with them anymore. Do not bow to her every whim. If she feels she is part of your family she will want to be the Head Matriarch and that actually is you now within you and your husband's family unit. Don't let her have anymore power over you. Take back control whilst you can. No more daily phone calls, no more accommodating her moods and strops.

Folklore9074 · 14/08/2022 14:55

OP some things resonate between your experience with you mum and mine - ie the expecting children to solve big issues in her life, making her stresses yours. I agree with others that a step back and some perspective is needed. Ask yourself why are her issues yours to solve, why is the onus on your to support her and is any support your provide appreciated or reciprocated?

With my mum I realised that in fact she wasn't honestly looking for someone to provide solutions (there weren't any, none that she would actually take up at any rate) but she wanted someone to offload on, to listen to problems and agree.

Knowing this has given me a bit of an emotional barrier when we see each other/speak and at times when it's been too much I just remind her that actually I have stresses in my life as well. Its difficult, the balance between supporting and loving her and maintaining your own mental health. Good luck.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 14/08/2022 14:56

As the daughter of a very similar mother, repeat after me - her happiness is not your responsibility. Her happiness is not your responsibility. Her happiness is not your responsibility.

Give her as much or as little of your (and your family’s time) as you are comfortable with and derive something from, and then tick that box and carry on with your day.

Stillfunny · 14/08/2022 14:59

Just sympathise and nod your head . She will never be satisfied . I think sometimes people look back and have a lot of regrets about the choices they made . Living in a home she is not comfortable in or ashamed of is another thing for her to bear. She probably thinks other people are living exciting , fun filled lives but as we all know , FB isn't real . I have a small family and there are not too many occasions that are celebrated .
Remember, her personal happiness is not your responsibility, nor in your capability to provide.

Kitfish · 14/08/2022 15:00

Have you heard of the University of the 3rd Age (U3A). They are all over the country and cover most areas. I suggest you google it and suggest she joins this. There will be things for her to do there and she will get to know people her own age.

Bluetrews25 · 14/08/2022 15:05

Echoing others. She is not your responsibility.
She will never divorce your Dad as she likes the situation she is in. She likes to complain and feel hard done by. Otherwise she would get out.
What would she say if you said 'go on then, nothing stopping you' when divorce is raised? Because nothing is stopping her.
You have enough to do living your own life and sorting your DCs.
She's an adult, she needs to take ownership of her life.

Fairyliz · 14/08/2022 15:12

She’s one of those people who don’t want solutions, just want to moan and have someone say ‘dear dear how terrible for you’.
Mil is exactly the same. Moans constantly but when you come up with ideas to solve her problems there will always be a reason she can’t do something.
Just try and switch off when she starts and think of something nice. ^^

ImAvingOops · 14/08/2022 15:13

Have you ever said anything to her about her attitude? Both now and when you were a child.

Distance is your friend here - start weaning her off the frequent calls/visits and take a more breezy and dismissive tone when she starts moaning. Don't let her get into it with you - you aren't her therapist.
Id also cut out the 2 week holiday - your husband must have the patience of a saint.
I think it's time for a little bit of bluntness tbh and you letting her know that you are fed up and she's being an ungrateful cow!

LadyKenya · 14/08/2022 15:13

Yabu for giving all of this so much of your headspace. You sound like you have enough on your hands as it is. You cannot make your mother happy, nor are you responsible for her happiness.

BubbleDoubleTrouble3 · 14/08/2022 15:15

You can offer suggestions, but it doesn't mean that she will take them up

I agree that she won't divorce

I know someone similar & I have stopped making suggestions, because I know that they will never change

Hoolahulahoop · 14/08/2022 15:18

Cut back a bit (a good bit)
I would bit have a two week holiday. Your siblings who lives abroad doesn't feel guilty so why should you take the brunt of her problems.

Dalaidramailama · 14/08/2022 15:28

You are not responsible for your mothers unhappiness. Please release yourself from this burden.

Haybo26 · 14/08/2022 15:30

Step back. You are not responsible for her happiness.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 14/08/2022 15:31

She is choosing her life to be this way. You can't unchoose it for her. As above, step back, you do you. FWIW you are already doing an amazing job with your kids.

Presentitnow · 14/08/2022 15:34

After a particularly horrible dream one night, my husband said to me, "You can't save your mother."

He was right.

picklemewalnuts · 14/08/2022 15:36

Gosh! Look up grey rock, OP. You really need to avoid getting drawn in to her world.

In what ways is she supporting you, her DD, who works full time and has greater than usual family responsibilities? Is she arranging her life around making yours easier, and ensuring that you get a proper break and holiday?

Or is she just criticising you for failing to center her in your life?

My DM is like this. She's a drain.

LaughingCat · 14/08/2022 15:50

All the daughters who have been made to feel responsible for their mum’s wellbeing, raise your hands raises both hands

My therapist has spent the last five years making me see that I cannot be everything to my mum - her therapist, her social life and her entire support structure.

I understand, the emotional blackmail is hard. But that’s what it is. Emotional blackmail. From what you’ve said, she’s been subjecting you to it since you were a kid - she should have been supporting you to grow into a self-confident woman but instead she made you feel responsible for the lack she feels in her own life.

Start disengaging slowly - it will be difficult for both of you. You may feel crippled with guilt, like you’re being a terrible daughter (because isn’t every normal daughter close to their mum and doesn’t feel emotionally drained after every interaction?) You’re not going to be a terrible daughter, you’re just putting yourself and your family first - which is completely normal and right.

Just set some clear boundaries and nod sympathetically if she starts going on about her house or her social life. You’ve given her some suggestions, so she needs to start taking them - they’re not your problems to fix.

And reduce the phone call time - she’s definitely monopolising your precious family time as well.

Which reminds me, I need to call my mum sighs 😂

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