To not know what to do with my mother?

[Getoffmygrass]

My mum and I have always had a semi close relationship. Growing up things were difficult I “…wasn’t the kind of daughter, I wanted” was something she once said to me. I was very shy and found people quite tricky. If you asked her what I was like a child, she would say difficult and challenging.

I always try to make time for her. Her and my dad come away with us for two weeks a year on holiday, we see them weekly as we live locally. For context both my DH and me work full time (I’ve only been back to work for four years) and we have two children with special needs - both attend specialist schools and have high needs.

Growing up and even now my mum would compare our families to others, that “we didn’t raise you right”. We’re just an ordinary family, she has friends who have big celebrations, exotic holidays so I think she spends a lot of time comparing. Somehow compared to her friends it feels like we don’t quite measure up.

She’s been retired a few years now and although
my dad has hobbies my mum doesn’t. Admittedly my dad needs to do more in the house and my mum is keen to have the house updated - my dad isn’t brilliant about sorting it.

I’ve not seen her for over a week as we’ve not been well yet I ring her every other day at least but today she said she doesn’t feel part of the family. I just don’t know how to make her life better. I’ve suggested a dog to get her out and about (she’s always wanted a dog so she says), arts and crafts, the gym, WI. There seems to be a lot of dissatisfaction around how her life is compared to her friends. She’s reasonably fit and healthy and they have enough money to accommodate any trips or activities she wanted to do. But I feel the burden of trying to improve her life is falling to me. She frequently mentions divorcing my dad as he’s not updated the house for years. I’m doing my best but my time is limited and I have my plate full with my kids. My sibling lives in another country so can’t help in any practical way. She’s been on for years about divorcing my dad due to her house not being how she wants it and I do to a degree understand but I’m not sure even if the house was done, she’d be content with that. After another difficult conversation today, I just don’t know what to do.

Your mother needs to find a purpose if she wants to be happy. It is not your responsibility to do that for her.

My mother is like this. I went LC a few months ago (occasional email only) and it's been such a relief. I'm in no rush to resume contact. I ran out of care for her after a lifetime of her relying on me.

Your mother is the Fisherman’s Wife (old folk tale). Always bitterly comparing upwards no matter how much she has. She will be perennially dissatisfied no matter what, and will always make her unhappiness someone else’s fault and her happiness someone else’s responsibility.

She’s a solvent, healthy adult who should be making the most of her one and only life, but if she isn’t that’s absolutely not your problem. Call her out on her passivity a bit more. Challenge her hurtful remarks. And then step away. You’ve got enough on your plate, it’s not your job (& nor is it really possible) to fix your mum.

You are doing too much OP. She’s an unhappy and mean spirited woman and that won’t change now.

It’s nice of you to keep her in your life, but a phone call a week and a couple of weekends is more than enough.

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate and you need to focus on your own family.

@eyeoresancerre you are a bit brisk in your views that once a daughter has a husband and children their mother is of no consequence.

People have emotions and just to cast off the person who gave you birth and brought you up would take a real iron heart.
It seems this is the MN mantra.
On the other side of this what would a lot of working parents do if tomorrow morning all the grandparents said NO to their children trying to drop off the grandchildren to be minded all day?

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I know it isn't the same thing but I have experience of the feeling of my mum looking to me to solve an issue and know how mentally draining that can be. My parents are in their early 80s and my dad has lost a lot of his mobility which means they don't get out and about as much these days, plus he stubbornly refuses any walking aids ehuch would allow them both more freedom. My mum talks endlessly to me about how isolated they are, etc and makes comments about all the stuff they can't do as though I am meant to solve it for her.

Like yourself, I have 2 kids with additional needs and they need to be my priority. Your kids have to be yours too. My parents, while elderly are able to make their own decisions and if they refuse to get my dad a walking aid and not go out, that is on them and not me. I am an empath so I always feel it too deeply if I think someone is unhappy, even worse when I feel it is being made my job to sort it.

Just like my mum, your mum has the ability to make decisions to make changes to make herself happier, that isn't down to you, it is her and only her who can do this. Please don't feel like this is your responsibility or it will weigh you down.

Wow she is an adult and it's so disrespectful to speak of your Dad that way to you. Does she have a brain and access to money then she can get the house done up via tradesmen and sort it herself. She sounds like a right pain in the ass unfulfilled and its everyone else's problem. Pull back dont engage when she starts a whinge be super positive or confrontational and say okay then divorce him or stop saying you will and never doing it.

I gave birth to my children too, but they are now not indebted to me in any way nor are they obliged to listen to my complaints about life.

If my dds had SEN dc or even NT dc I would hope and expect them to prioritise their well being and development and would do all I can to support them ( including not making unfair demands on their energy and time) We, as mothers, are not owed anything from our children. Everything we have done and do for them willingly and with love, not for some return in our investment further down the line.

I really think some therapy would he helpful for you OP.

Your mum is making really unreasonable demands on you, and your response isn't 'how can I get out of this situation' like most people, its 'how can I meet more of her demands'. For most people, if they bought someone a present a couple of times or took someone out a couple of times, and that person was really ungrateful and picked holes in the gift or the experience, then most people would think 'fine, I won't bother next time'. Your response is 'how can I give something more next time so this person will be happy'...and you can't, you know that she is never going to be happy. Therapy might help you disengage without too much guilt. You do need to put your family first...I can't believe your partner has put up with being on holiday with her for 2 weeks a year, that's a lot even if she had a good attitude

@Festoonlights as long as the situation is equal in both directions. If the adult children do not want to be communicative with their parents, they can not expect to be communicated with by their parents.
I think a middle line would be so much better but that seems so difficult to navigate these days.
The attitude that parents can not hope for friendly relations with adult children seems very severe. The demand on babysitting/childminding grandparents is not to be expected.

@User57327259 , I do try and balance it so it doesn’t feel I’m just asking for favours. My dad has offered to help out doing bits and we do spend a lot of time with them. It’s at least once a week with phone calls in between. I don’t ask them to look after the kids or babysit as the children have high needs. I’m very aware with my mum not to come across as a user.

@Getoffmygrass you sound like a very decent daughter to your parents and you are coping with DC with extra needs at the same time. You are doing great. Dont let some MN posters turn you against your parents. MN seem to have a wide streak of unpleasantness aimed at parents
Well done coping with all that you have going on. X

I honestly have no idea what you are talking about. Most people if not all strive for a balanced, harmonious loving relationship with their parents/ adult children. In some cases it’s not always possible or healthy.
There should be no expectation to do or be anything. We all hope for help and support from our families, but it may not be possible on either side due to external factors beyond anyone’s control. Or maybe they simply do not have the capacity for it.

What op is talking about is a damaging and toxic relationship that is making her feel drained, exhausted and undervalued, no one should be tolerating the kind of manipulation and impact to their well being. Of course she must scale back her exposure and contact in order to focus snd have energy to care for herself and her true dependents without the lead weight of her mothers needs and expectations as well.

In other words just carry on running yourself into the ground op for your ungrateful and quite frankly uncaring mother.
If she really cared about you she wouldn’t be leaning you do heavily would she.

Thanks everyone. This has given me a lot of food for thought. We’re going away next week again with her and my dad and she’s now asking us to come with her and meet her friend. I’ve never met this person and now she wants me to pop along for an hour or so. Whenever I’ve declined something previously, she guilt trips me about how much my dad has helped in my house. I don’t know her friend and I’m not sure how keen my kids will be to go along to meet a stranger either.

You have to learn to say no. Has anyone ever told her how whiny and ungrateful she is and how she is sucking the joy out of everything to the point where you don't look forward to seeing her? It's harsh but she might need to hear harsh in order to change.
If you continue to do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got!

If you don't want to meet her friend, just say you are doing X, Y, or Z

You are under no obligation to do anything for anyone

It sounds like you are a people pleaser ?

Saying NO is OK to say and do

Practise saying, no that does not suit me at that time/place/venue/I have other plans...

What is it that needs doing around your parents house ? If it's simple decorating could your mum look at doing it herself ? Or plan what she wants the house to look like and get someone in to do it? I'm not sure why this should come solely down to your dad - particularly if he's happy with the house the way it is .

It does sound a bit like your mum is one of those people who is never completely satisfied . You have made lots of suggestions as to ways for her to occupy herself - she needs to take responsibility now .

I think the answer has to be you taking a step back - whether this be physically or just mentally (ie try to let it wash over you). You definitely don't want to be joining her on an outing with her friend.