To not know what to do with my mother?

[Getoffmygrass]

My mum and I have always had a semi close relationship. Growing up things were difficult I “…wasn’t the kind of daughter, I wanted” was something she once said to me. I was very shy and found people quite tricky. If you asked her what I was like a child, she would say difficult and challenging.

I always try to make time for her. Her and my dad come away with us for two weeks a year on holiday, we see them weekly as we live locally. For context both my DH and me work full time (I’ve only been back to work for four years) and we have two children with special needs - both attend specialist schools and have high needs.

Growing up and even now my mum would compare our families to others, that “we didn’t raise you right”. We’re just an ordinary family, she has friends who have big celebrations, exotic holidays so I think she spends a lot of time comparing. Somehow compared to her friends it feels like we don’t quite measure up.

She’s been retired a few years now and although
my dad has hobbies my mum doesn’t. Admittedly my dad needs to do more in the house and my mum is keen to have the house updated - my dad isn’t brilliant about sorting it.

I’ve not seen her for over a week as we’ve not been well yet I ring her every other day at least but today she said she doesn’t feel part of the family. I just don’t know how to make her life better. I’ve suggested a dog to get her out and about (she’s always wanted a dog so she says), arts and crafts, the gym, WI. There seems to be a lot of dissatisfaction around how her life is compared to her friends. She’s reasonably fit and healthy and they have enough money to accommodate any trips or activities she wanted to do. But I feel the burden of trying to improve her life is falling to me. She frequently mentions divorcing my dad as he’s not updated the house for years. I’m doing my best but my time is limited and I have my plate full with my kids. My sibling lives in another country so can’t help in any practical way. She’s been on for years about divorcing my dad due to her house not being how she wants it and I do to a degree understand but I’m not sure even if the house was done, she’d be content with that. After another difficult conversation today, I just don’t know what to do.

It's not your job to fix her. Some people haven no capacity for happiness. You cannot change them, but you can limit your involvement with them.

She can drive, has her own car and has access to all monies, her own credit card as well so she’s not short of fund and my dad doesn’t control her money. The neighbour down the road does University of the 3rd age but says she wants to do stuff with my dad. I’ve told her to join English Heritage and then they can go and do things.

The comparison thing has been going on my whole life. It’s definitely made worse by Facebook. One of her friends is always re-decorating her house and that seems to bother her but I’m not sure even if her house was amazing she would be happy. My dad is pretty hapless and is quite happy mooching about the house, tinkering in his shed and going his gardening club. The house could do with some updating so I can see her frustration but the endless moaning about it, the endless criticism of stuff is exhausting.

She does listen to me when I need a moan so is supportive in that sense but I’m not sure she’s quite aware how hard life is for us and I try to support her as much as I can.

This. My mum enjoys complaining. I offer solutions, she provides excuses. She doesn't want to sort them out. Just make the appropriate noises while reading Mumsnet - works for me. Just don't type too loudly while you're doing it!

You need to step back, understand that you are not responsible for her happiness and enjoy your own life. Some people are never satisfied, you can never get things right for them - nor should you try beyond a normal courtesy (e.g. if DMum is a vegan you serve vegan type thing). But her day to day life and the outcomes have to be with her.

My DMum is somewhat the same unfortunately. When my DDad was alive anything I did for him was appreciated. He'd gush over a roast dinner I made even if it wasn't perfect. He was happy with an afternoon in the garden with a cuppa and not going out. My DMum on the other hand... well nothing is right, I never take her out enough, if I do take her out it's not long enough or she didn't like the place, or if she chose it then someone was "funny" to her and spoilt it - you get the picture!! I still try to do stuff with her because you never know how long you have them, but if she starts I'll laugh it off "Oh well, never mind, next time!" and walk away back to DP and DCs because it's not me - it's her.

I feel the burden of trying to improve her life is falling to me.

It’s not your responsibility. Remind yourself of that frequently.

Call less often if need be.

Thanks everyone, sorry to those who are in the same boat. She’s very much if we go somewhere it’s never as good as it could be even when we’ve had to go and accommodate the kids. I tread birthdays and mothers days as no gift is good enough. Previously we’ve bought hotel stays, trips, show tickets, experiences. We did offer to buy her a new mobile but she said no. We did buy my dad one as he helped us with some work on our house and we combined it with Father’s Day as his phone was a really old phone. My mum complained to him that our gift to her for Mother’s Day wasn’t as good (turns out my dad hadn’t wanted to tell her about the new phone as she’d complained to him).

I will try tuning out a bit more. Maybe that’s the answer. I do try but some of what she said can be hurtful. I’m doing my best and do think she needs to take a bit of responsibility for what she wants.

I can see why your Dad is happy in the shed OP.

Why does he need to sort out what she wants?
Why can't she phone a decorator or whoever, to come and give quotes for work?

She sounds like a woman who wants everyone around her to do what she wants in the way that she wants.

Stop trying to make your mother happy - she is responsible for her own happiness.

Call her once a week and if she starts whining tell her "chin up" and end the conversation. Every time she starts complaining say you have to go now. You're obviously a good and loving daughter but you can be that without letting her melt your head.

Definitely step back.
Your mum could fix things overnight if she wanted to. Hire a decorator, book an exotic holiday but chooses not to. She likes being negative and it’s manipulative to play on her self made misery so others do her bidding.
My mother is just like this.
Stop running after her!

Put a stop to the holidays and use the money for specialist childcare for your children so that you and dh can enjoy a proper holiday.

Tell her you will call her once a week as your routine changes in September and you won’t have the time to call as often. Put a strict time limit on the calls.

Visit once a month and try and ensure it is a day out to dilute her company.

You have 2 SEN dc whom need you far more than she does. You have been very well trained to do her bidding but you can recognise her draining energy and it’s impact on you and your family.

My mum is just like this, you can’t change her, she is happy being unhappy. Leave her to it, and live your best life.

This ☝️
I realised this and let go. Now I say 'that's a shame' and forget all about it. I'm much happier

I always think of the Prince song When The Doves Cry:
'Maybe you're just like my mother, she's never satisfied'
Then you can have a little dance which helps with the forgetting all about it 😂

"Oh please just stop with your incessant moaning mother" - it will take the wind out if her sails if nothing else.

What helped me massively with this is that when the kids were very little and i needed support she took me to one side and very carefully told me that she had her own life too. What she wanted me to know was that she had her own things to do and friends to hang out with and didn't need me looking for support all the time.

So now, when she's sat there and just wants to moan and suck all the joy out of my life and everyone around me I remember that and boy does it help. You need to remember something she did / said and replay it through your head when she's sucking the life out of you.

And say ‘that’s nice Mum’
to absolutely everything! I found. It strangely empowering.

It sounds as though your mother has resources and time to find things to make her happy but chooses not to - she likes moaning. She’s not your responsibility.

As much as I laughed at this, if I said that to my mother it would be cue for a while spiel about my complete lack of understanding about how hard her life is. Her life could not be easier. Maybe she is still disappointed by it in some way but she has wasted double the amount of time moaning about it.

A whole spiel

If yours is anything like mine this advice will get you tears, histrionics and a sore ear for being on the phone for three hours listening to her pleading for your support and understanding. I tried it when she started bitching round the family that I couldn't afford the house I'd just bought and what was she to do to stop me making the worst mistake of my life. Bearing in mind I'd completed weeks before this was a vicarious attempt at attention seeking but telling her i wouldn't put up with it turned round to bite me when I had to listen to how the house would take up all my time and leave none for anyone else.

I'm sorry my advice is so negative. I'm very very jaded on this subject. My mother is on block on my mobile and I refuse to give her any other number.

vincettenoir · Today 14:21

"... it is a black hole that will never be filled."

Absolutely agree with this. My mum was high maintenance. I was relieved when she passed away. She was just sucking the energy from me. Nothing was ever enough. There was always something unnecessary, for me to spend hours doing for her. Take a step back, be busy. It's not your place to make her happy.

Don't DO anything. Just step back.

Your mother has her own life to live and she needs to take adult responsibility for herself. Instead, she's invented a reverse construct in which she plays the needy helpless child looking to you to take charge , she wants you to act the adult parent who solves all her issues.

Nothing's going to change so long as you play the role and script she's written for you.

You need to understand that you are not responsible for your mother's happiness.

It is also not up to you to get between her and your father: if she wants him to do stuff with the house it is her job to communicate with her partner.

It sounds like your mother is manipulating you and has done so all her life.

My mother was very similar to yours. She had a lovely house near the sea, a big garden, no money issues but she was never happy. She did not make any effort to make friends, work or have a hobby beyond doing a bit of gardening. She spent her time gossiping and trying to control my life and always played the victim when challenged. I think someone mentioned a ''black hole'' to describe this type of parents. They are emotional vampires.

The only healthy things to do is to build healthy boundaries, distance yourself and understand that someone like this is never going to change. There is no way you could make her happy whatever you do...

Built a happy life with your family. She had her chance to build a happy life, she used it to make everyone feel miserable and guilty. People like that should not be encouraged in their delusions.

Why is it up to you to sort her life . She is a grown woman let her get on with it

You need to step back, OP. She is an adult, in good health, has resources, and it is not up to you to make her happy with her life. That is her job - she needs to get on with it, and nothing is stopping her. So look after yourself and DC and DH. It is up to her what she does with her time. Do it now, stepping back, while she is healthy, so that the pattern is established. Good luck.

Your parents are not your responsibility, & they sound perfectly capable of sorting out their own lives. Stop with the holidays, cut down on the calls, visits etc & concentrate on yourself. If your mother is discontented it is most definitely not a problem you need to solve!

I became the parent to my mother as a child after her breakdown, so I understand this will be a life time of manipulation and self motivated false dependence your mother has been dumping on you op.
By making you responsible she gets to force everyone else to make her happy, she can carp and complain and the demands are endless.
She has stopped (if she ever started) being a mother to you. How are your needs being met? How many times has she supported you emotionally? Tried to make you happy and feel loved?
Effectively she is a third child. My dc see even my own young children as ‘competition’ for my attention. It is messed up but she begrudges the amount of love and attention they get.
In my mums case her black hole came from her own mothers cold parenting and she is searching for motherly love. I can’t provide it. No one can. It’s a bottomless pit. A therapist could probably help but she refuses to see one.