I feel like I’m in a trap

[Wakeupitsabeautifulmoaning]

Lay in bed for my lay in, which I know can’t last much longer and doesn’t feel relaxing at all as Dh will wonder how much longer I can lie here. Can hear the loud cartoons on tv and I just really don’t even want to go downstairs.
Have a 4 year old Dd, who I adore, but has been v challenging for 8 or so months.
Ive been with her since she was born (previously worked full time all my life, I’m a fairly older mum)
I’m alone every other night for two-three hours then fall asleep.
I could cope with this but I’m really at the end of it now, I want to be alone, I need to be alone. Dh’s idea of giving me a break involves taking her with the dog for a walk for an hour or so, saying how tired he is too because of work.
She’s due to start pre school part time in September, will that make a huge difference? Really can’t remember what it feels like to just be, just me.

*Lie in

It gets easier. What would you like DH to do? Have you asked him?

YANBU. Pre-school will make a huge difference for you and her. Some of her challenging behaviour may be because she’s ready for a change of scene.

Can you say to your DH pretty much what you’ve put here and tell him you need a complete break? Tell him that he needs to take her out for a few hours? A full day would be better!

I get what you mean. I need 'just me' time too sometimes, but it does get so much easier as they get older, believe me.

Luckily my dh works shifts and dd is now a teen who spends a lot of time in her room/out with friends.

These years seem long, but when I look back now, they really weren't and I wish I could get them back sometimes.

On dd’s first day of school, all the other mums went out for coffee. I came home and sat and stared at the walls with no radio, tv etc. I hadn’t realised how much I needed to be all alone.

@Joopy In an ideal world, I’d love him to get up with her, do breakfast, get her dressed and just take her to the playground maybe…just for a few hours. He’s done it a few times before, but in four years, that’s not much.
We (He) do/does the tiredness game, if I mention I’m tired/ill/need a break, he does also..sick of hearing how tired he is from work.
Final straw came the other night when I mentioned how I can do a few hours work when he was off (2 weeks hol) it’s easy money and would give us more for us to enjoy when off…and would get me out of the house) he went nuts, saying he needed a holiday…basically needs me at home as didn’t want to be left with Dd, adores her but doesn’t want the work I suppose, so I can’t even get out in the name of work.
My life was nothing like this before.
We alternate bedtimes and Dd sometimes doesn’t fall asleep until 9.30, I’m asleep a couple of hours later. I always plan to read or take the dog out alone etc..I’m always too tired, even on the days I don’t do bedtime, I flop on the sofa and watch tv, Dh often goes out for an hour or two on his night. I don’t have the energy/can’t be bothered to do that.
Feel like I’m basically just here to serve at the moment. I’ll rush through having a shower, shaving my legs etc now, aware *My time is ticking away…is this normal. I don’t feel free at all.

You are not alone in feeling like this. As others have said, as your daughter gets older it does get easier.

We all need headspace & hopefully you can carve this out when she starts school.

In your shoes & knowing how much you need alone time, don’t dig a deeper hole for yourself with a “tired” partner who doesn’t help you much, by having another baby.,
Know yourself! Keep your needs in sight!

Don't most pre-schools take kids from 3? Is there a reason why your dd hasn't been going for a while? That would have helped!

It would also be good to get this 9.30pm bed time knocked on the head. Far too late and has so many bad repercussions.

But yes a proper chat with your husband about getting some time alone for both of you would be helpful. He doesn't sound very understanding but I personally can hear your desperation and would help you if I could! Let's hope the man who loves you can adapt to help you.

Ok, I get that. Your husband sounds like mine!
Short term advice - give yourself an easy day, I love soft play, go on your own and take a book, drink tea and relax. Could you stay with a relative for a few days? Could you have a blinding headache/period cramps and need to stay in while he looks after DD?

Long term - it will be easier when she is at pre-school, are you going to go back to work?

@Chamomileteaplease I’m abroad, pre school is only free from 4 onwards (if you’re lucky enough to get a space)
I was trying to make it until 4, before needing to go back to work etc

@Joopy Yes, I should be…but at the moment the thought of straight back to work after 4 intense years feels weird. Also, my worry is I’ll be even more stressed as will be working and picking up all the normal stuff..don’t think Dh will necessarily change as works a difficult job
I realise it’s the same for so many of us, it was hard at times, but just recently I’ve felt quite desperate about it and v closed in

You sound like you both need a break. Could you agree to one weekend day a month where you will each give the other the day ‘off’? So one Saturday you head out for the day on your own and another Saturday he does? And then maybe a few hours a month each where you can be home alone (while the other takes DD to the park or library’s?)

@OutDamnedSpot Ive always said this but he doesn’t seem keen on the idea, it makes much more sense to me. If we go out, it’s like we all have to go out together, whereas I take her out all week…also, wouldn’t he want to do father/daughter things 🤷🏻‍♀️
He’s off for two weeks next week, I think a full day for each of us at home alone sounds like heaven

I was also a mum for the first time at 37 and I think I had a bit of a identity crisis. When you've already worked and had a career for so long your identity can be firmly planted in that.

Then you become a mum, and I felt like a support human for my partner and child. My DD wasn't the issue, my partner was.

I changed everything at that point. (moved out, went back to work, got outside help)

Are you in a position to get more outside help?

@jeaux90 No parents/family here, so we’ve never had a break. I’m hoping pre school will make a huge difference…I mean I feel better just after a couple of hours sometimes, it just rarely happens!

I can relate - older mum, four year old - it’s exhausting. Except mine goes to preschool five days now (funded) and it makes a HUGE difference. You need the break and so does your DD, to get outside stimulation.

Agree with previous poster that you need to make bedtime earlier. You’ll need to do it in time for school anyway, to make sure she’s getting enough sleep - but it will give you more of your evenings back. Mine is in bed reading stories at 6.45 and lights out around 7/7.15. It’s challenging changing the rhythm in the household but it will be worth it. A star chart can help massively if she won’t stay in bed at first.

I remember this too as an older mum with no family around. I never had a second child as I could not face it all again. It will get better.

You have been at home for 4 years and he is going mental at you taking on a little work whilst he is on holidays?

He can't look after her alone?

This is NOT normal at all?

Really NOT normal.

Are you happy in your relationship?

Because one NT 4 year old should not be having this impact.

I can understand the shock though.
Well done for not having anymore.

Stopping at one when your partner is so poor is very wise.

Do you feel controlled or afraid of him, because his reaction is very off.

What challenging behaviour is causing things to be so hard?

9.30 for bed is very late and gives you very little bed time.

At that age it was 7pm here and there were days when I was definitely clock watching too.

Her bedtime used to be 7.30-8, she’d usually be asleep until 8, but with the summer and kids going to playing until 10 in the street and then going to bed, it’s hard to get her to want to go to sleep

@billy1966 I think it’s that part that’s really made me think. His family is coming to visit so he said he knew I’d come up with an excuse. Basically my line of work in the summer months is really well paid, but lots in the day…I can’t usually do it because of Dd. He said he needed a holiday too and it was selfish
Selfish to get work 🤷🏻‍♀️He’s never thought like that before. All I can think is he sees it as being *His holiday and wants to go out when he can…when’s my holiday then?

@billy1966 She possibly shows some signs of ADHD and or ASD

Ask DH when your holiday is? He’ll reply telling you that your holiday is all the time as you don’t work.
That will very clearly tell you what he thinks of you and give you the push you need to leave this unequal relationship where you are there in his opinion to look after his child whilst he cracks on. That he won’t let you work as he is refusing to look after his own child speaks volumes.

You've only got one DC and you're both tired, worn out, bickering over getting time off to rest. This is precious time while your child is still a toddler. Make the most of it. (How do you think parents of bigger families feel?) I'm afraid, once you have children, it's not all about you any more (or him)!

I really agree with this.

He is very controlling.

Not good.

Don't ask, tell him that you are taking this work.

Where are you living?

I think you need to reflect on your relationship because his behaviour is abusive.

Have you supportive family?