I feel like I’m in a trap

[Wakeupitsabeautifulmoaning]

Lay in bed for my lay in, which I know can’t last much longer and doesn’t feel relaxing at all as Dh will wonder how much longer I can lie here. Can hear the loud cartoons on tv and I just really don’t even want to go downstairs.
Have a 4 year old Dd, who I adore, but has been v challenging for 8 or so months.
Ive been with her since she was born (previously worked full time all my life, I’m a fairly older mum)
I’m alone every other night for two-three hours then fall asleep.
I could cope with this but I’m really at the end of it now, I want to be alone, I need to be alone. Dh’s idea of giving me a break involves taking her with the dog for a walk for an hour or so, saying how tired he is too because of work.
She’s due to start pre school part time in September, will that make a huge difference? Really can’t remember what it feels like to just be, just me.

@Anniefrenchfry I don’t try to avoid. It was my turn to have a lie in (there’s no such thing though) but even then I know Dh will be wondering where I am and it’s all rushed and I can never fully switch off. This isn’t about Dd who knows we both adore her, this is about me never having a break when Dh should be helping more. She doesn’t see any of that because we’d never show it. Hence why I’ve written it here

Can you book a night away? Either with DH or just you. I'm with you, I crave alone time and not alone time where the kids are in bed and I'm slightly on edge in case one of them wakes up but alone time where I don't have to think about anyone but myself. Kids are full on and 4 year olds are hard work! Talk to DH about what you want and need and then do it. You can't pour from an empty cup and all that

OP to answer your question. "Family support Human" refers to your husband treating you like you should be doing absolutely everything that's about him and your DC and not you. You clearly don't count. He expects you to do everything and not need for anything.

Are you able to accelerate getting back to work by paying for outside help? Finding a part time baby sitter might be great for her if it's financially workable.

@webuiltthiscityonrockandwheat This is it, I adore Dd obviously and it’s not even about her, it’s about 4 years of 24/7, perhaps I would’ve been better working too. Perhaps this is telling me now is the time and I’m ready to go back to work and Keane her a little (as much as it makes me emotional) I’ve always sort of fought against it but it’s true I do need space

*Leave

@jeaux90 Yes, I think it’s maybe an idea, I just didn’t want to get back into it until Dd was full time at school, but perhaps I have to now…see I even feel guilty for that

OP the guilt is always there but it's a really useless emotion.

I had to go back when my DD was younger than yours as I'm a single parent but she had a wonderful time with her carer. See it as easing her into full time school by having her do different things.

Our job as parents is to take care of our kids AND enable them to grow up to be independent adults.

My DD is autistic and has ADHD so the different care models I used has socialised her out of the rigid thinking that can sometimes come with an ND child.

Lastly, getting back to work was a massive relief for me. There is more to being a good parent than just being there, if you are happy and fulfilled too I think it can help you be better.

Great post.

There is always bloody guilt no matter what you choose.

I stayed home and gave up a very lucrative career 20+ years ago and now think I really should have modelled a working mother as I tell my girls to NEVER give up their financial independence as all men are most certainly not like their father.

A happy mother at work is better than an unhappy one at home, any day, IMO.

Good men do not behave like your husband.

Your DH seems to think looking after your DD is easy so you're not entitled to any time off for yourself. Until you ask him to look after her, and then it's too difficult because he's exhausted and needs a holiday. He can't have it both ways.

I get it, I have 4 DC and am a SAHM - there is never any respite or time off or holidays. You're basically 'on duty' all the time. Actually one of the big pluses of the COVID lockdowns for me was that DH was at home with us and realised how utterly relentless it was (previous he had travelled a lot with work). He's now changed his role so he can be more present and it's honestly made such a difference to me.

Time for a very serious conversation with your DH about what you and your DD need from him.