I feel like I’m in a trap

[Wakeupitsabeautifulmoaning]

Lay in bed for my lay in, which I know can’t last much longer and doesn’t feel relaxing at all as Dh will wonder how much longer I can lie here. Can hear the loud cartoons on tv and I just really don’t even want to go downstairs.
Have a 4 year old Dd, who I adore, but has been v challenging for 8 or so months.
Ive been with her since she was born (previously worked full time all my life, I’m a fairly older mum)
I’m alone every other night for two-three hours then fall asleep.
I could cope with this but I’m really at the end of it now, I want to be alone, I need to be alone. Dh’s idea of giving me a break involves taking her with the dog for a walk for an hour or so, saying how tired he is too because of work.
She’s due to start pre school part time in September, will that make a huge difference? Really can’t remember what it feels like to just be, just me.

I don't think your alone at all

My advice honestly???
Would be go back to work, get a childminder sorted or wraparound and get a job

Honestly I couldn't be with my kids 24/7 it would drive me insane - just adult company is nice.

Plus if he's working and you aren't he might feel like he has the upper hand and more right to be tired but being at
Home with kids is much harder

And to be honest if you have a job and your own financial security when (hopefully rather than "if") you escape this control freak you can support yourself

Your putting yourself in a very vunerable situation with him behaving like this

Whatever you do don't have more kids!

And if he's off for 2 weeks I would be very tempted to then book a week away with a friend and then he'll see what hardwork it is 😂

@Dillydollydingdong Thanks 👍

He didn’t say I *Couldnt do it, he can’t tell me what I can and can’t do. When I mentioned it, it’s great money not full hours and tbh feels like a break for me getting out of the house, with the bonus of being paid for it! He said ‘What in the daytime, great’ (Sarcastic ‘’Great’ )
I then asked him what the problem was and he said he was exhausted and in need of a holiday and wanted us all at home together, not to be babysitting (he actually said that word) and that he’d knew I’d do that just not to see his family as much and that he was sick of selfish people

Really nice

So when he works it's ok for you to look after your dd but when you work it's not ok for him to look after your dd?

If you can get him to realise that you understand that he is tired from work can he afford you the same understanding that looking after a four year old 24/7 is tiring too? He must realise that because he is dreading it!

@Chamomileteaplease Exactly!

Take that job if you want to and the money is good. it’s not just about money and something different it’s about you and your sense of self. If he’s off for two weeks he should be fine with that.
let him take DD on holiday even!

that might be all it takes for either you to realise it’s better without him or for him to have an almighty wake up call.

my youngest starts school in September and I’m clinging on for that day. I have also forgotten what it’s like to me but I am a lone parent to three kids and at least whilst it’s hard work I parent on my terms and find the psychological benefits of that spur me on.

his use of the word “babysitting” is very telling

@Whiskeypowers I was really shocked by that and said ‘Did you actually just say babysitting, about looking after Dc’?!
That’s when he went nuts and said how exhausted he was and never gets a break and needs a holiday etc etc

@billy1966 I have a supportive family, but back in the U.K.

Another bloke who pretends his job is so hard he needs a break but does everything to dodge looking after his own child, even though it's so easy.

He doesnt say you cant work but he is collectively controlling you because you wont do it now because you dont want to be a 'selfish person'. So he has got what he wants.

What I mean is that you dont need a break from looking after your child because its 'so easy' yet when it's his turn its 'too hard' and he 'deserves' to relax

And 'collective control' should read 'coercive control'.

@RealBecca Yes, plus making out I’m taking the work to avoid his family aswell. The fact is, I can’t do this work during the day time as he’s at work, now he will be off for two weeks, that’s why I could take bits of it (it’s not even every day and not all day, just as and when)

Would you working part time be enough to pay someone to take care of your DD and for you to earn money on top?

Because honestly you need to take this out of his control IMO.

It does come across like he is treating you like the family support human.

@jeaux90 Oh when she’s full time, I’ll be earning enough to be able to support myself 100%

@jeaux90 What do you mean by the family support human

What strikes me here is no matter how hard you try your child will know both parents really don’t wish to look after her and see it as a chore. It will impact hee behaviour, she will become needy, short attention span, demanding etc.

You both need to sit down and talk to one another because you chose to bring this little girl into thr world and you now need to find away to manage ans stop seeing caring for your daughter as some form of work or chore.

@Anniefrenchfry Wow, that’s really unfair and upsetting, I don’t see as that at all and for his faults, neither does he.

Op read your post again, irs title. How you don’t know how long you can stay upstairs, how you need to get away, how he won’t look after her alone either. If you think this little girl can’t tell I assure you you are wrong. As upsetting as it is.

so you need to talk to one another like grown ups and keep talking till you sort it becayse there is a little girl involved here.

@Anniefrenchfry We (me particularly) give her more attention than most parents I know, we’ve never had a babysitter or left her, it’s very full on 24/7

@Anniefrenchfry She has no idea, I can assure you, she doesn’t know I think these things and I’d never allow that to happen. I don’t think I’m a bad person or parent for really feeling this recently..after 4 years no break, it’s just now that I’m ready for one.

I never said you were a bad parent or person. I wrote that she will be able to tell that neither of you wish to be taking care of her right now, and you try to avoid or argue about it. Of course she knows, it’s impossible to hide these feelings.

So I repeat sit down and talk to one another and sort this. For her sake.

OP,
So glad you have family support.
Thank goodness.

You need to return to work as a priority.
You need a break.

He sounds so selfish.

Fine for you to be 24/7 for 4 years and he can't cope with two weeks.

How can you even look at him.

Tell him his family can help, you are taking the work.

Good experience if you think returning to the UK is best for you.

Protect yourself as he certainly won't.

I'm so sorry that it's so hard.

@billy1966 Thanks so much 🙏