As a person living with Autism to be fed up of all the weird and negative autism threads in the last few days?

[PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog]

Apparently, we are: stalkers, rapists (SW article thread), weirdos who pose threats to children (playing in street thread) non adults. I just don't get it and it makes me

@TheVanguardSix I will quote you! I think people with autism are more emotional and more thoughtful than neurotypical people, in my humble opinion. because I think I agree, although it depends on the circumstances.

I have seen far more bad behaviour from neurotypical individuals who were judgemental and horrible people.

I just wanted to support this comment by saying that the autistic school I worked at was attached to a mainstream school. So there was a crossover... I'd have to deal with the mainstream kids from time to time. The thing that stood out is how manipulative the mainstream children were by comparison. Yes, they were nice and lovely but they were also dishonest, manipulative, and agenda-driven in a way that autistic kids just aren't. With autism, what you see is what you get. You definitely know where you stand when you're dealing with someone on the spectrum. They're straight-shooters... tend not to be dishonest. I really, really appreciate that. I found dealing with autistic pupils much easier. I could read them more easily. Their emotions are authentic, not an act.

Daftasabroom Thank you. 😄
Your disclaimer is absolutely spot on! It totally depends on the circumstances.

That is a lazy stereotype and Im surprised someone who works with children with autism would say that.

As it is a spectrum it is labelled as such, yes but when most people think of spectrum they think of the electromagnetic spectrum with individuals occupying a single point along the spectrum, whereas the autistic spectrum is more akin to a mass spectrum with individuals have a unique profile over both the x and y axis. This is much more complex, and a better reflection of personality traits but the term is probably misleading to the vast majority of people with no "skin in the game".

I would just like to add that some autistic children are well behaved at school AND at home. Not all of them have meltdowns, shut downs are just as common and some just go and recover quietly after a long and stressful day, just like NT people. I've never seen any of my three children have a meltdown although I had them as a teen a couple of times, usually brought on deliberately by my father, who is the stereotypical borderline narcissistic autistic piece of shit that is the reason for people's bias.

@orbitalcrisis I'm really interested in what you said about your dad - borderline narcissistic autistic. Do you mind explaining this more? Because I think you're right about a lot of biased stereotypes being based on that profile.

My dc is profoundly autistic and receives a lot of support , can’t advocate for themselves but has no social issues, and a high IQ. Where do they fit?

bellac11

Yes, I worked with children with autism AND gave birth to one as well so...
Sorry my lazy stereotype doesn't match your Gospel.
It is true that my comments are generalisations and there's a lot of room for error. But in all honesty, NT people are, in general and in my experience, far more manipulative and dishonest than people on the spectrum.

I think it's a bit of a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it shows that people are thinking more about neurodiversity and are more aware of it, but yes, it is being completely overdone when every single thing a child or adult does that is atypical ends up with someone positing that they may be autistic.

I get more angry when people show complete ignorance and refuse to accept that sometimes aberrant behaviours are down to the person responsible's inability to grasp that they are behaving in a manner that is not appropriate. That wilful ignorance riles me far more, but it doesn't happen with anything like the frequency of the 'are they autistic?' queries because a child won't eat cheese sandwiches or dislikes brushing their teeth.

When I was diagnosed a couple of years ago at age 38, I was provided with a report that indicated the ‘severity’ of my autism by the level of support that would be appropriate in the key areas. So I have, I suppose, Level 1 Autism, meaning I am fairly high functioning, able to live independently but would benefit from various forms of support and guidance to enable me to function effectively in a neurotypical world and lead a more enriched life. That support for me comes from family and the fact that I can afford to pay for a gardener, and a cleaner to help me manage my home, and pay for private counselling with someone who specialises in autism in women. I am aware that actually I would benefit from more social support but an unsure what to do about that. I have never had a serious romantic relationship, and don’t really have any friends, no social life etc. I spend 95% of my time alone (5% at work). I now know I have experience autistic burnout at several points in my life which was labelled as depression or anxiety or emotional exhaustion. I’ve been employed in the same organisation for my entire life but have moved around departments into different roles as a result of negative experiences related to my autism. I am articulate on paper but verbally I’m rubbish.

Since my diagnosis I have been trying to learn more about autism and how my autism specifically impacts me. I was shocked when I learned how much hate and ignorance there is towards people like me, not just from neurotypical people, but also from carers of autistic people with level 3 support needs.

When I looked into it a bit more I realised that much of the research and writings out there on autism exclude large demographics, including women and girls, those with autism and other disabilities, and those with autism who are unable to advocate for themselves. The ‘picture’ of autism as a disability is therefore skewed and that feeds into the ignorance surrounding it. Add to that the inconsistency surrounding terminology and diagnosis and you get a situation which is divisive and non-inclusive.

Carers feel the need to strongly advocate for those with level 3 support needs and that is absolutely right. They should, but I wish they wouldn’t do it in a way that seems to minimise the experiences of others with lesser support needs. My level 1 autism is not the same as someone with level 3 autism. Someone with Level 3 support needs in all areas would require 24/7 support/care. Obviously, I don’t require that. My level 1 autism is not the same as someone else with level 1 autism either though. It sometimes feels like it’s a race to the bottom reading comments people make about others with autism. In an ideal world the person with level 3 autism and their carers would get all the support they need, the person with level 2 autism would get all the support they need and I would too. Unfortunately that’s never going to happen.

I think many people don’t actually understand what a spectrum is either. It’s not linear. It doesn’t go from low to high or mild to severe. Many people assume the spectrum is actually a scale, which it is not. A scale would go from low to high or mild to severe. A spectrum in this sense isn’t associated with precise numbers or definitions. Instead it implies a broad range of conditions or behaviors grouped together and studied under a single title for ease of discussion.

I know how I can sometimes come across. I fail miserably at effective communication quite a lot. Sometimes I inadvertently offend people, sometimes I am too controlling, sometimes I come across as selfish, sometimes I interrupt or talk over others. I know realise that much of the time this happens because I’m overloaded or frustrated with myself or the situation and I fail to recognise or regulate my emotions. It’s taken me a long time to realise that I’m not actually a horrible person. On a fundamental level, I’m actually a really nice person, but I get so worried now that I just avoid socialising altogether because it’s too hard and there’s very little understanding or forgiveness for making social errors. Of course, sometimes I really am just being a twat, just like everyone can be, but I’m learning to recognise the difference. What I would find helpful is people taking me aside and kindly telling me when I’ve done something wrong or offended someone so I can try to fix it, apologise and learn, but people aren’t really willing to do that.

Sorry this is so long. Quite a rambly, off on a tangent post, but I just felt like posting my experience.

It is indeed a lazy stereotype.

There are three people in my family diagnosed with autism. A parent, and sibling and niece. All female. Males do present differently, so perhaps the lazy stereotype is based on boys at that school (?)

One of those is highly manipulative and knows exactly how to get what she wants, in a pretty much controlling way. Another can also manulipulate to an extent, but is far more open to learning other perspectives than the first one I mentioned. The third is a struggling teen.

I have learned over the years that an autistic female can manipulate, can lie and can have an agenda, although the agenda is not analysed or thought through in an way. Critical thinking is missing completely. No natural feeling for critical analysis such as asking why.

That is my experience.

There’s research to suggest that autistic people actually have more affective empathy (feeling the emotions of others) than others but can struggle more with cognitive empathy (recognising/understanding the emotions of others).

This is certainly true for me. If I see someone who is sad or crying or being hurt I will feel it very strongly. I cry at films, television, books all the time. At things others would see as nothing. I cried at Short Circuit 2 when Johnny 5 gets beaten up. I cried when I read about the Dunblane shooting when I was a teenager. I cry at soap operas. I cry when I listen to different songs because of the feelings involved. I cry when my friends cry. I cry when strangers I’ve never met cry. But I also struggle to recognise or understand other emotions. Eg. A work colleague talked about having problems with her husband. To me the solution was simple. Leave him, get rid of him. I couldn’t empathise with the emotions surrounding that because I couldn’t see or understand them. I can’t recognise the difference between a smile and a grimace. I can’t recognise how pitch or tone differs with different emotions.

This is an interesting link to an article about autism and empathy.

www.verywellhealth.com/do-people-with-autism-lack-empathy-259887

@SquirrelSoShiny He always thinks he is right, if proved wrong he will get angry and change the subject, usually shouting at you for something you did wrong in the past. Everything has to be done his way, if it doesn't work his way then it's your fault. He is super critical of everyone else but has never accepted responsibility for a single thing in his life. It's always his boss is an idiot, that car came out of nowhere, this TV I dropped and broke must not be fit for purpose, that road sign was in a stupid place... He shouts all the time but hates noise. He always thinks he's the smartest person in the room and will try to take over even if he has absolutely no idea wat he's doing, he thinks he must know how as other people can do it. He used to like to shout at me until I couldn't take it anymore and attempted suicide, he told a family member that it was funny and he enjoyed having that amount of power over me. He is also a massive misogynist and racist.

@BiFoldIsT not a long post, a great piece of clear communication, not rambling but concise, and not tangential.

@BiFoldIsT Your presentation of autism sounds very similar to mine! And I totally agree on the hostility from some carers of those with autism with a higher level of need, almost as though by asking for the support we need, we're taking resources away from "more deserving" people and that we could just get on with it if we wanted to, because we can type (not necessarily speak) articulately and hold down jobs (that use up 90%+ of our energy until we burn out). The real problem is a lack of resources in general, but I suppose in a lot of situations people blame those receiving resources rather than the system which has the power to allocate those resources.

YADNBU

I'm not autistic but my DH and one son are autistic, as are several close friends. All of whom are among the nicest, kindest, loyalest , most thoughtful, utterly trustworthy people I have met in ,y life. I bloody HATE it when someone who has committed a crime is described as autistic in the media. Because they never describe the majority of criminals as neurotypical. It is an unfair bias.

I've been thinking about this since I posted my earlier comment. This is tricky to explain, but I often feel excluded on Mumsnet by the significant minority (and sometimes majority, depending on the thread) of "pull yourself together"/"get a grip" type posters.

This is mostly the case on any threads about sensory issues or other things that might be very hard or impossible for an autistic person to cope with, e.g. people worried about not being able to deal with the heatwave, or people who are upset because the food at an event they are going to is not going to be suitable for them, or people who post complaining that because of shortages, they were unable to buy a particular item (I have seen posters absolutely LAMBASTED for this, especially if the item is "fancy"). I've cried in the shop when I haven't been able to get a food item I normally get. It's pretty embarrassing, believe me, suddenly going from "functioning professional adult just stopping by the supermarket on the way home" to "grown woman trying to stop crying in the middle of Tesco". I literally cannot just pull myself together, and I absolutely hate the smug posters who have this awful "roll your sleeves up and get on with it like the rest of us have to, why are you so special, yes it's tough but you just have to deal with it, first world problems" attitude, like not being able to deal with whatever life throws at you at all times is pathetic.

They seem to have zero comprehension of the fact that not everyone is like them, and I know I am in a minority so maybe I shouldn't take it to heart, but it hurts to see how so many people perceive people like me. Even worse, in a way, are the posters who agree with them by just using that awful crying-with-laughter emoji, like school bullies ganging up on someone.

I'd disagree with you. I have autism and I don't do manipulative or dishonest - it's too damn complicated. All that game-playing that NT people seem to do - what's the point? I'll come across as rude sometimes, I don't doubt that, but it's because I'm being honest and direct and if someone else is acting in a way that's wrong I'll point it out. And game-players don't like that. Give me an autistic person's honesty anytime. I may not necessarily like it but at least I'll know where I stand.

It's not just on here I'm seeing it - it's all over the internet that it's become the insult of the era. It's not acceptable, and I hate that it's happening - but this point quoted here IS relevant here - that there's a small and loud group of autistic or identify as autistic individuals on the internet being complete knobheads and shouting down anyone who they view as not being one of "them" and that's feeding into it as well and fueling the insults and hate.

I had to giggle a bit when I got told that I needed to "educate myself" the other day by one of them when I'd got sick of them ripping someone to pieces for the crime of asking how to support their autistic child... I'm autistic, one of my children is autistic - but I just don't like seeing arseholes pile on someone wanting to do the right thing.

I’ve noticed it too @CoffeeWithCheese

@RelationshipOrNot We’re definitely similar. I can’t just use another product or get a grip. I am really struggling with the shortage of stick deodorant for example. I cannot bear the feel of roll on deodorant. It’s not just that I don’t like it and am being precious. It’s physically distressing. I am willing to pay over the odds on Amazon to get the stick deodorant I normally use.

Sensory wise, the sound of children screeching, screaming etc and neighbourhood noise can be really distressing for me but I daren’t say anything to anyone because you get absolutely slated. I simply suffer in silence. I can’t spend too long in public spaces because the people, the noise, the heat all eventually overwhelm me. I actively avoid public spaces at the weekends and in school holidays.

@CoffeeWithCheese I agree. There is a small sub section of people who make it worse for all of us. I do not associate myself with any of those people.

The myth that children couldn't possibly have Autism because they are an "angel at school" was well and truly busted years ago, my sons behaviour was the same everywhere he went except for at the childminders where there was almost no pressure placed on him to behave in a certain manner and his poor behaviour at home was because he was terrified of school, his behaviour used to change dramatically during school holidays.
He eventually went to a school where the knowledge and understanding of Autism is excellent, where children were supported properly and their fears and concerns taken seriously.

Thanks everyone. Just checking back in. Have not used the site today because it was getting to me, but thank you for your support!