‘Oh she looks so much like you, or me when I was younger or just basically anyone like you, the mother’

[OhDoOne77]

Not said like this obviously, but may aswell be.
Sil has always said and still continues to say how much Dd (4) looks like Dh or failing that, looks like her when she was younger (nothing like her) or their mum etc…or brother…just basically anyone but me.
It pissed me off when Dd was a baby but royally pisses me off now, as she says it in front of her

Aibu to feel rage?

The baby's mother holds all the cards here. There's absolutely no threat to her power, her 'possession' or anything else. She's the baby's mother.

I certainly wasn't holding any cards I could hold on to at the time. I was trying to bond with a baby who had terrible colic, who cried day and night, who slept in thirty minute blocks, who I breastfed through cracked nipples, while I tried to work out how I was going to hold on to what remained of my sanity in the gaps between soothing my miserable infant. So no, I wasn't feeling magnanimous during this part of my life and I didn't appreciate the aesthetic land grab.

Completely agree. So much marking territory when it comes to in laws. Genuinely don't understand it at all.
Also find it strange that so many people seem to want their children to look like them rather than the partner they're supposed to love. I loved seeing my partners features in our children and actively hoped they'd look like him.

We'll go ahead. Keep doing it. It's no skin off my nose.

This does make sense I guess. I have heard almost every paternal grandmother and grandfather and aunt and uncle, say the new baby looks like the father. Not the mother. Probably very rarely done with spite @OhDoOne77 but sometimes it might be.

My DH's mother used to say how much my DD looked like him and HIS father, but she didn't looked much like him. She looked 100% like me. Me and DH look similar - blue eyes, blonde, wavy hair, average height etc etc, and she is 100% his, but she looks way more like me than him.

BIL (DH's brother) and FIL (DH's dad) used to bang on about it too. 'Ooooh, she's a Jackson alright! 100% a Jackson!' (DH's surname and their surname!) My maiden name was Harris, and they said 'no sign of any Harris in there!' My family NEVER said anything like this.. They never said to my DH 'OOOH there looks to be NOTHING of you and YOUR family in there.' With DH's family it came across as them trying to take possession. It never worked, DD was much closer to my parents, and family in general (as often happens.)

I have some pics of me from when I was 2 or 3, and some of DD when she was 2 or 3, and the only difference is that my pics are black and white. She is the spitting image of me. Everyone who has seen my toddler pics from the early 1970s, 100% thinks it's my DD, and are utterly shocked when they discover it's me, as they think it's my DD.

Some paternal relatives like to try and claim the grandchildren and get very possessive, because as saraclara said, the paternity can never be taken for granted, so they try and lay their claim so to speak. Unfortunately for paternal grandparents and paternal uncles and aunts etc, the grandchildren are more likely to be closer to the maternal grandparents and uncles and aunts, and are 100% definitely the mother's baby!

p.s. Jackson and Harris are not our real names!

It's about tone and intention though. Instinctive behaviour, like recognising and commenting upon your 'side' of the family in a baby is perfectly fine and completely natural. But I don't think it's too much of a stretch to acknowledge the possibility of ostracism towards (usually) the mother which may occur within some families for whatever reason. Biology indeed affects every area of our lives, but shouldn't inevitably turn us into unthinking idiots. If some posters can't recognise the 'staking your claim' aspect of this which might occur, then perhaps they are lucky enough to have decent in laws who don't have an ulterior motive (in the case of mine, control). Relationships are tricky. They aren't all the same. An absence of tact can be understood, even if initially misunderstood, but downright deliberate rudeness towards and exclusion of the mother is a whole different thing.

My mum is the one who does this.
My DS looks like his dad and nothing like me apparently. Makes loud proclamations about how his blonde hair and blue eyes must be from DH's side as he has a cousin who is blonde as both DH and I are brunettes. Somehow ignoring my blue eyes and the childhood photos of me on her wall showing clearly I had blonde hair until I hit my teens.
She also says he really looks like my DHs nephew, and they must both get it from DHs dad who also looks similar...........completely forgetting that DH and his sister have different dads.

I can imagine this being so annoying tbf though my cousins baby looks like his sister and nothing like him or the baby's mum - genetics are so weird! (Not saying your DD looks like SIL though)

My son is literally my double, I practically gave birth to myself

My niece looks exactly like me. I’ve never said anything as I know how annoying this can be for the mother. But SIL parents, her DH (my DB) go on about it all the time.

My dd is literally a replica of my mil & fil!!

It happens. She probably just likes seeing the replication on here niece! I love seeing my families faces on my nephews

@FourTeaFallOut I think you make a very good point, it obviously is sometimes hurtful especially if previous tension in the relationship makes someone doubt their good intentions. It’s great when people have a sensible instinct on what a parent might be sensitive about, and act accordingly.

However, I read quite a lot of different posts on this forum about different things people have taken to be “slights” by family members and two things stand out, there is frequently a near enough 50/50 split on opinion on whether someone should have been offended (this tells me at least a significant proportion would not mean these things in a malicious way at all) and there are an awful lot of things mothers/parents can potentially get upset about. In fact, it was one of the things that struck me when I first moved to England from overseas, how easy it was to seemingly “put your foot in it” with people especially when it came to matters of families and decision making around children. There are just lots of things said off the cuff in other cultures that I think are taken as some sort of assessment or judgement here.

It would be best if people could be more sensitive, but it would probably a lot easier for everyone too if people could just assume the good motives of others even if they put things in a clumsy way.

If it's continuous and DD isn't one bit like anyone on that side, then it's an indication of an attitude to you that isn't very friendly.

If it's continuous but there might be a glimmer of a resemblance, then she's still being unfriendly. I would wonder what's her point. I would also consider her boring and dull and pretty empty minded.

I really hate the sitting around discussing children's appearance that goes on. It's incredibly rude imo.

I find family genetics fascinating, and an extra layer that always makes it fun is that similar looking people tend to marry each other, so their children may well look like both sides of the family even if they are technically favouring one. My nephew on different days can either be identical to his mum or his dad and I realised its because his parents are actually quite similar 😅