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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Oh she looks so much like you, or me when I was younger or just basically anyone like you, the mother’

137 replies

OhDoOne77 · 12/08/2022 23:22

Not said like this obviously, but may aswell be.
Sil has always said and still continues to say how much Dd (4) looks like Dh or failing that, looks like her when she was younger (nothing like her) or their mum etc…or brother…just basically anyone but me.
It pissed me off when Dd was a baby but royally pisses me off now, as she says it in front of her

Aibu to feel rage?

OP posts:
Choccyp1g · 13/08/2022 09:45

DS was the image of his dad as a baby.

We used to joke that he had his father's looks and his mother's brains. Just as well really, as I'm nothing special in the looks department, and his father is a bit dim.

saraclara · 13/08/2022 09:50

I wonder if dads resent their partner's family enjoying seeing resemblances.

I'm as certain as I can be that the families of the mothers on here also make the same observations, but the mum barely notices and certainly doesn't feel the need to challenge them.

As a grandparent, I know that our wider family comment on likenesses when they see my DD's little girl.

Maray1967 · 13/08/2022 09:51

There is a right way of doing this and a wrong way of doing it. My MIL did it the right way. She used to say things like ‘sometimes I think he is all (my) DH but now I think he’s definitely got a look of (my brother), what does your dad think?’ She never tried to write me out of my child’s features. To say that a child is just like/100per cent/all their son or daughter, is crass beyond belief. Particularly when that child is an ivf baby and therefore presumably taken a while to arrive with some heartache along the way.

Michellebops · 13/08/2022 09:54

I'm sure she'll change and you'll have the last laugh.

My daughter is almost 7 and for the first 4 years the spit of her dad, now she's more like me with a different colour hair.

My nephew is my brothers (his dad) doppelgänger and my niece is my double. Even more than my daughter. Pics of my niece and nephew from school are double of my brother and I.

stopringingme · 13/08/2022 09:56

My DD when she was born was the spitting image of my DH, it made my MIL go into overdrive about how she looked the exact image of her dad.

She now has my features and my MIL studies her face intently to try and find similarities, but everything she comes out with are my features and my DH has said quite a few times when she has mentioned something "yes just like her Mummy!"

I just groan internally as it is just the way she is, it is annoying and the only time it really got to me was when my Mum died and she said a few times how DD looked like her and had the same dimples I just looked at her and said yes like my Mum, there was really nothing she could say.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 13/08/2022 09:58

Mil used to do this. Dd1 apparently gets her intelligence from dh too (my GCSEs were marginally higher than dh but whatever). My df passive aggressively posted a photo of me age 2 and everyone commented dd1 was identical to me (yep) so much so even mil had to concede. She’s not mentioned it since.

35965a · 13/08/2022 10:02

Maray1967 · 13/08/2022 09:51

There is a right way of doing this and a wrong way of doing it. My MIL did it the right way. She used to say things like ‘sometimes I think he is all (my) DH but now I think he’s definitely got a look of (my brother), what does your dad think?’ She never tried to write me out of my child’s features. To say that a child is just like/100per cent/all their son or daughter, is crass beyond belief. Particularly when that child is an ivf baby and therefore presumably taken a while to arrive with some heartache along the way.

This is v true ^

It is totally fine to comment on resemblance, but some people are a bit thoughtless about it. If I’m cooing over a baby or toddler I try to say about both parents “she’s got her daddy’s eyes but mummy’s beautiful smile” or something like that.

Pixiedust1234 · 13/08/2022 10:07

You are being over sensitive. Its normal to compare a child to its relatives. I think you must dislike your sil a lot and using this as an excuse.

My first looks like me and several family members, absolutely nothing of dh in her. My second doesn't look like either of us. It was discussed at length by both sides then one day an old photo of mil as a child was found. Spitting image of dd at the same age. Took us 6 years to "place" her 😂

Just let it go.

Teddletime · 13/08/2022 10:35

@saraclara
I completely agree. So many posters on here desperate to refute any connection with the father of the child's family then have a meltdown when the MIL having been completely sidelined by her takes huge delight in her daughter's children.
You reap what you sow

Teoteo · 13/08/2022 10:49

@OhDoOne77 oh I totally get you! I get this from my MIL! I have jet black hair as does my baby. DH hair and whole of his family is light brown. MIL: "where does baby get his black hair from? It must be from Sarah (MIL's youngest daughter whose hair is slightly darker brown) HmmHmmHmm

buzz91 · 13/08/2022 10:57

If any of my IL’s say anything like this my dh just says, she looks like buzz91 and then will whip out an old photo of me - she looks like me with their hair line though so she’s a mix

Classicblunder · 13/08/2022 11:01

Pugdogmom · 13/08/2022 08:50

Can't say any of it bothers me much, but I did giggle at my daughters MIL's friend who insisted that our granddaughter looks like her MIL.
One has blonde hair and blue eyes, and the other has long dark hair and brown eyes.🤦‍♀️. Not sure where the " resemblance" came from. 🤔

Hair colour and eye colour isn't everything - sometimes someone can have identical facial features/structure to someone but totally different hair/eye colour

My kids are like that - they look a lot more like my DH but he was blond and blue eyed and they have dark hair and eyes

BrieAndChilli · 13/08/2022 11:05

It’s biology - we are programmed to recognise the features that are similar to ours in order to keep the family unit and protect ‘our kin’ I look at me niece and can see facial expression and behaviours that are like me/my sister/my own kids, I’m pretty sure my BILs family do the same and see the features that are more like thier side of the family.
kids change over time, as DS gets old he gets more and more like DH and less like me.

FourTeaFallOut · 13/08/2022 11:06

I think everyone gets a bit of this. I was the first among my friendship group to have kids, so the first to experience the mil gasp of how much ds looked liked DH. She spent the next 30 minutes talking about how strong their family genes are.

I was outraged at the time but softened since seeing every other mother subjected to this script by the df's family.

It's on my list of things not to say when I'm a mil.

saraclara · 13/08/2022 11:11

It’s biology - we are programmed to recognise the features that are similar to ours in order to keep the family unit and protect ‘our kin’

Exactly. I've said similarly and pointed to research, but we're both pissing in the wind.
It'd be more worrying if the in-laws weren't going through that ritual of recognising the new baby as part of the family.

xJoyfulCalmWisdomx · 13/08/2022 11:15

Yeh, if they never said anything, I think that'd be more concerning.

my Dc (quarter black) had my mother in law and one brother in law saying ''she has blue eyes?'' and looking at me like I had to explain myself. I did explain .... I said ''yes, like both her granddads and her mother''.

This was just a stage with them, they got through it and then were luckily back to the more normal ''oh she gets her long legs from me'' stage before too long.

5128gap · 13/08/2022 11:15

People will natural 'recognise' their own genetics in a child. It's part of what makes family members love and be invested in the care of their young relatives.

FourTeaFallOut · 13/08/2022 11:17

But there's nothing about biology that means that you can't shut your mouth and recognise those similarities privately and away from earshot of the DM who spent 9 months carrying this child who you infer looks nothing like her.

Classicblunder · 13/08/2022 11:27

FourTeaFallOut · 13/08/2022 11:17

But there's nothing about biology that means that you can't shut your mouth and recognise those similarities privately and away from earshot of the DM who spent 9 months carrying this child who you infer looks nothing like her.

I think the thing is that not everyone sees this as insulting

When my MIL says that my kids remind her of my DH, I don't assume she means that they look nothing like me, just that she obviously didn't know me as a child but did my DH so sees that.

It's also factually true that my kids look like my DH more - and, since I liked him enough to marry and have kids with him, that actually doesn't bother me anyway.

Mothers do this too - my SIL bangs on about her kids looking like her family, which isn't true at all, you wouldn't pick her out of a line up as looking like their mother but my ILs don't jump to take offence

saraclara · 13/08/2022 11:28

FourTeaFallOut · 13/08/2022 11:17

But there's nothing about biology that means that you can't shut your mouth and recognise those similarities privately and away from earshot of the DM who spent 9 months carrying this child who you infer looks nothing like her.

It's subconscious and instinctive. The very fact that everyone does it (including the mother's family, who might well not mention the father) is a hint.
And it's not about denying the mother. No-one (well hardly anyone) deliberately does that.

FourTeaFallOut · 13/08/2022 11:36

Really? Because by the time the eyes, nose, mouth and chin has been claimed as belonging to the Dad, I was ready to ask if they though ds had sprung from dh's forehead like the next Zeus?

Don't kid yourself on that most dm's aren't sat there quietly seething during this conversation, they just take it to their friends and I've heard this complaint time and time again.

saraclara · 13/08/2022 11:43

FourTeaFallOut · 13/08/2022 11:36

Really? Because by the time the eyes, nose, mouth and chin has been claimed as belonging to the Dad, I was ready to ask if they though ds had sprung from dh's forehead like the next Zeus?

Don't kid yourself on that most dm's aren't sat there quietly seething during this conversation, they just take it to their friends and I've heard this complaint time and time again.

And did you mind when your own mother/family found their own traits in the baby? Did you even notice them doing it, or did it just feel normal?

Come on now. The baby's mother holds all the cards here. There's absolutely no threat to her power, her 'possession' or anything else. She's the baby's mother. There is no reason at all to get all wound up because her MIL/SIL/BIL are enthusiastic about the new addition to the family and instinctively looking for links to them. Even if they go a bit OTT, what's the harm?

FourTeaFallOut · 13/08/2022 11:47

Even if they go a bit OTT, what's the harm?

Well, clearly this is the harm. It upsets the new mums. In my experience, this is a common complaint of the father's family. My family had the good grace not to have this conversation in front of either of us so if it happened, I don't know about it. They did talk about how lovely ds was at length without carving out parts and divvying them out - which I think is best.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 13/08/2022 11:53

FourTeaFallOut · 13/08/2022 11:47

Even if they go a bit OTT, what's the harm?

Well, clearly this is the harm. It upsets the new mums. In my experience, this is a common complaint of the father's family. My family had the good grace not to have this conversation in front of either of us so if it happened, I don't know about it. They did talk about how lovely ds was at length without carving out parts and divvying them out - which I think is best.

This. ^

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 13/08/2022 11:53

FourTeaFallOut · 13/08/2022 11:47

Even if they go a bit OTT, what's the harm?

Well, clearly this is the harm. It upsets the new mums. In my experience, this is a common complaint of the father's family. My family had the good grace not to have this conversation in front of either of us so if it happened, I don't know about it. They did talk about how lovely ds was at length without carving out parts and divvying them out - which I think is best.

This. ^