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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Oh she looks so much like you, or me when I was younger or just basically anyone like you, the mother’

137 replies

OhDoOne77 · 12/08/2022 23:22

Not said like this obviously, but may aswell be.
Sil has always said and still continues to say how much Dd (4) looks like Dh or failing that, looks like her when she was younger (nothing like her) or their mum etc…or brother…just basically anyone but me.
It pissed me off when Dd was a baby but royally pisses me off now, as she says it in front of her

Aibu to feel rage?

OP posts:
Original poster
OhDoOne77 · 13/08/2022 00:24

@Whohastheenergyfotthis I would so love it if she meant it in a positive way towards me, I really don’t think it is though…but such a nicer way of looking at things

OP posts:
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 13/08/2022 00:26

I get this. My dd is the spit of DH's sister. Yes they do have similar features like hair and stuff but never mind she might look a bit like me Confused

Dummycrusher · 13/08/2022 00:28

I think you probably know deep down that it's not meant as an insult and she probably doesn't realise it annoys you. But I totally get why it is annoying! It's natural to feel territorial over your kids. My MIL is DESPERATE to find similarities between my daughter and my partner (MIL's son) and comes out with photos of him as a kid which look nothing like my daughter 😀 In truth, she is the spitting image of me and everyone always says so - and I think MIL actually feels the same kind of annoyance as you because she is protective of her darling boy 😂

Missmarps · 13/08/2022 00:30

I get you too OP. My in laws used to do this constantly when my DCs were younger. We used to reply that they just look like themselves.

As they grew up they both looked more and more like me. My DD (now a teenager) is the spitting image of me at her age (and my mum). So much so, it's only the 80s clothes that give away which is a photo of me and not her.

They still try to insist she looks like SIL despite the totally different face shape, hair/eye colour, figure, nose.. just because she has curly hair totallyignoring the fact that I have curly hair too 🙄

I just smile and ignore.

xJoyfulCalmWisdomx · 13/08/2022 00:32

Maybe it's what your SIL sees though!?

I know you say she has form but why would ''DD looks like ....{somebody from her side of the family} be a dig?

In a way I think it's like saying we feel connected to her.

My x mil used to say everything good was inherited from her but she believed it. I don't think it was a dig at me! We were very different physically.

saraclara · 13/08/2022 00:48

I don't get the whole competitiveness thing though! Why does it bother mums on here that their in-laws see their family resemblances? The kid is literally half their side of the family's genes. They're as entitled to find similarities to their own family, as you are to see similarities to you.

The poster who's disappointed that her dh doesn't 'defend her' when his family say they see a resemblance to him? That's just batshit. Who should he? They see what they see, and are entitled to see.

Jeeeze, it's some weird kind of paranoia to be threatened by this. It really is. The baby is not 100% the mother's and you can't make it so.

saraclara · 13/08/2022 00:53

Actually, it was my own mum who did the possessive similarities thing, now I think about it. And yep, it irritated me no end, because DD1 was the spit of her dad and my MIL!

Merryoldgoat · 13/08/2022 00:57

I’m not sure I really see the issue.

My boys are the image of DH and his side of the family.

I’m mixed black and white, DH white. Both boys look white, one is blonde and blue eyed. As a friend says, it’s like I didn’t show up to the conception.

PrinnyPree · 13/08/2022 01:01

Also OP remember that your in laws only have seen their side of the family as babies so your DH, SIL etc, they never saw you as a baby so they will draw upon their own memories of what their family members looked like as babies when they were the same age as your child. Don't take it personally. Xx

Changechangychange · 13/08/2022 01:09

You recognise whoever you are most used to seeing in the baby. Presumably your SIL didn’t see much of you as a child, so she “sees” your DH, herself etc.

DM thinks DS5 looks like DBro as a child. DH thinks he looks like me (same colouring, hair and eyes, totally different face). There’s a black and white photo of DH on FIL’s wall, and DS thought it was a picture of him. He looks kind of like all of us. The only person we all agree he looks nothing like is SIL.

ClinkeyMonkey · 13/08/2022 01:30

I have certainly never had a problem with my children looking like DP's family. Why would I? Half their genes were contributed by DP. But it was definitely used as a stick to beat me with. I was sick of hearing about DS1's resemblance to his uncle, his three aunties, his cousin's cat. It was a joke. And if anyone said 'oh, but he's got Clinkey's blue eyes', there was silence. Honestly, nothing. Because they all have brown eyes. They did try to scrabble around for someone with blue eyes to attribute DS's eyes to, but were unsuccessful! My own family made the odd remark, but it was fleeting, conversational. With DP's mum in particular, it was like a fight to the death. Very territorial. But not a surprise, given the way she behaves in every other area of life.

Catsstillrock · 13/08/2022 01:46

Yes it’s the imbalance that makes it noticeable.

Totally normal to discuss it, and look for resemblance to your own family.

Not normal to never, ever acknowledge obvious traits like being fair or having blue eyes have likely come from the fair blue eyed parent.

one of our DC is more like DH and it’s fun to see photos of him as a kid and see the similarities and I join in.

but then,, given virtually everyone else we come across friend, family or stranger (so it’s not memories or genes talking) comments on how like me our other DC is it’s very noticeable that the in laws have never acknowledged or commented on that.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 13/08/2022 02:16

Maybe she's desperate to feel/see a special connection between her and her niece? Or its some primal "passing on the family genes" subliminal thing, like how animals can sense their own offspring and reject that of other males, like a hierachy/dominance trait that's not meant maliciously?

Or she's being deliberately undermining of you, she could just be not very nice.

lillieD · 13/08/2022 02:28

MyLifeIsFictional · 12/08/2022 23:27

My DD is the spit of my sister. Not me. 😱

But maybe she is?

My cousin looks like the spit of my mother. She looks nothing like her own mum.

oha · 13/08/2022 08:15

My in laws do this. They see their relatives in the kids. But also personality traits or talents are always attributed to their family.

It's annoying and gets old fast. Like the children aren't really your children, but an extension of in laws children. I totally understand you OP.

Teddletime · 13/08/2022 08:18

Some of the posters claiming that their children are 'all me ´´ are equally deluded. Every baby is 50% genetically both parents.
So many posters constantly refer to ´my baby' and not ´our baby' until it comes to childcare or child maintenance then it becomes ´his baby'.
So many posters hugely indignant that the in laws don't take an interest in their child but do their best to keep them at arms length or deny family resemblances. What often happens is the mother does her best to deny a connection between in laws and their grandchild . Then the SIL gets pregnant and has a baby and the OP comes on here to complain that The in-laws are all over their new grandchild because the SIL is the favourite child. No matter that the mother has determinedly created distance between the in laws and their first grandchild. There is probably a biological reason for that too.
I really do think that in laws claiming a family resemblance is a compliment. They are building family ties which is important. I think there is probably some research that shows where in laws claim family resemblance they are likely to be more generous about sharing family assets ( inheritance)

PollyRockets · 13/08/2022 08:20

YABU

As tbh it's sometimes true

My youngest has never looked like me. Started looking like DH then when get got hair started to look like his sister and/or mum when she was younger

Stag82 · 13/08/2022 08:20

I use to get oh well he cannot deny she isn’t his which I found really weird!

georgarina · 13/08/2022 08:24

This really pissed me off with DS!
Everyone said he looked like a cross between DP and my dad
Erm no, he looked like his dad and me!

PollyRockets · 13/08/2022 08:26

georgarina · 13/08/2022 08:24

This really pissed me off with DS!
Everyone said he looked like a cross between DP and my dad
Erm no, he looked like his dad and me!

If everyone was saying that maybe you're biased

Its unlikely your son looks like an even split of you and his male parent

Most male children end up resembling their male relatives at some point

crossstitchingnana · 13/08/2022 08:28

My MIL used to attribute all positive attributes to her side and negative to mine.

35965a · 13/08/2022 08:30

Be mean -

SIL “Aw DD looks just like me”
You “Let’s hope she doesn’t end up with your nose/eyes/hair/teeth”

That is a joke before anyone gets dramatic 😉

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 13/08/2022 08:40

God who cares.

They ARE your children.

Does it matter who they look like

Marvellousmadness · 13/08/2022 08:42

So when people say she looks like a dh
Does it makes you angry because she looks like a boy?
Or because she looks like everyone except you.

Why would people lie.
Your kid might not look like you at all
Tough shit.
Maybe in 2years she will. Give over.

Marvellousmadness · 13/08/2022 08:43

You sound jealous
She is YOUR kid. Who cares who she looks likes.

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