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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Women basically doing everything on family trip

158 replies

oha · 12/08/2022 08:38

We are on a family holiday at the moment. Several families with children, babies and toddlers.

The men are pretty much sat outside drinking beer, whilst the women do everything. Cooking, clearing up and tending to the children.

The dynamic has always been like this in my family and I'm so resentful.

Do anyone else's trips end up like that ?

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 12/08/2022 09:29

Just get them told! My DH and BIL did all the cooking when we used to have caravan holidays together and took the kids off on bike rides or swimming while SIL and I cleared up, got bags ready etc.

Frazzled2207 · 12/08/2022 09:30

starrynight21 · 12/08/2022 08:46

I would never do a self catering holiday for that reason. Same shit, different place.

I’ve been thinking that this week but the reality is that where we are (touristy corner of the UK) all the restaurants have been booked solid for weeks so no real options other than self cater or fish and chips (don’t want that for a week!)

Camomila · 12/08/2022 09:33

We are on holiday at the moment - me and mum are slightly more organising everyone (tbf DH doesn't really speak Italian) but my dad, DBro, and DH are all making themselves useful. Everyone is doing what they tend to be the best at at home too - DH googles prices/times for things and runs to the shops, dad cooks, DBro plays lots of boardgames to entertain DS1, and me and DM do most of the tidying/looking after DC but everyone chips in.

On days out DH and I watch one DC each.

FourTeaFallOut · 12/08/2022 09:34

DH does far more than I do on holiday. I have some health problems that mean I can't keep pace with him but he was never a lazy dick when I could keep up.

Fwiw, my Dad was really hands on. He was a sahd at points throughout my childhood and I never walked in to a relationship expecting anything less than both parties contributing what they could.

jeaux90 · 12/08/2022 09:34

Is it time for a rant OP?
Get the other women on side and all stage a protest.

This is absolutely outrageously sexist bullshit.

I'm a single mum, work full time and I expect a break during my holiday. Not just the same shit in a different country.

OnlyEverAutumn · 12/08/2022 09:34

So sad that this is still the reality in so many couples - while the kids watch and learn.

Strangerthanever · 12/08/2022 09:37

I would never do a self catering holiday for that reason. Same shit, different place.

Yep this, when we do SC I prefer a really basic Eurocamp, with a tiny kitchen that needs minimal cleaning. Mumsnet seems to be full of marriages where the husband does his fair share, but it's not something I ever see in real life.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/08/2022 09:37

Dh does a lot. He’d happily do as these men though if in the same environment. It’s a group mentality. The only way to do it is to not accept your partner following suit. He will perhaps be accused of being under the thumb or worse.

over50andfab · 12/08/2022 09:40

Men often do what they think they can get away with. Suggest you have a chat with the other women and make a plan e.g. you do the cooking they do the washing up.

Importantly take some time out for yourselves e.g. the men look after the kids while you go out somewhere to enjoy yourselves. You have an equal voice.

Don’t be doormats - it sets the trend for the future including future holidays. Just to add I was a doormat 😔

SwordToFlamethrower · 12/08/2022 09:43

Qwertyfudge · 12/08/2022 08:40

Generally, I see dads being very hands on during holidays. Usually not the drudge work but certainly entertaining children.

In what sense of the phrase "hands on" is men playing with kids doing any actual work? Why do men get to play with the kids while women cook, clean and organise?
Same shit, different location isn't a holiday for a woman

Sunshineandwetsuits · 12/08/2022 09:53

The benefit of a group holiday as far as I’m concerned is the ‘many hands’ aspect! We always go self catering and hire lovely places, with a big grp - but with 12 adults around and loads of kids it’s really easy!
We get lie ins, time to ourselves, sometimes we’re the ones keeping an eye on the kids by the pool ( they move as a pack!) next day it will be someone else.
that’s the benefit. I can’t imagine ANY of the parents in our grp slacking off and leaving someone else, mums or dads, to do the. Or if stuff…
we have one dad who is a lazy sod, but his DW keeps him in check or we take the piss out of him which motivates him to muck in.

boobot1 · 12/08/2022 09:55

Not my experience, DH probably does more than me. He's always tidying round both at home and on holiday. He is always looking after ds too. We tend to split everything 50/50 (but he cleans up more). He wouldnt be able to sit if I was buzzing round doing stuff, he would get up and help so we could both relax.

Goldbar · 12/08/2022 09:58

I see this dynamic all the time. A lot of men generally expect women to sort shit out for them. For instance, they might take the baby/toddler for a trip to the playground, but expect their partner to pack the nappy bag. Whereas a woman will just get sorted and go.

Not the same, but last week there was a dad trying to drop a child at holiday camp without a water bottle or sun hat (both left at home). It is very clearly in the rules that children need these. He was most aggrieved to be sent home to collect these and kept asking the staff "Can't you sort something out? I really need to start work". The staff were all young so I felt quite uncomfortable on their behalf.

DH will do stuff, including cleaning, and has more patience for doing activities like mini golf and swimming with DC than I do, but this is not his default mode. His default mode is "relax, no chores". He needs to be asked and that pisses me off. But it's AI or eating out with kids club all the way here, which eases the burden!

listsandbudgets · 12/08/2022 10:02

We are on holiday at rhe moment. The children and DP favoured renting a villa / cottage but after I told them they'd need to either pay for cook / cleaner / general maid to cook, clean, shop etc. or do it themselves they seed to change their minds and we are in a hotel!

weekendninja · 12/08/2022 10:03

Isn't the woman in this relationship equally responsible by putting up with this?

My ex DH was like this until the resentment got to the tipping point. Life looking after 2 kids rather that two and a man-child was so much easier.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 12/08/2022 10:04

Maybe it’s a self catering thing because I used to see a lot of dad’s doing the work when we used to stay in AI hotels. Granted, there’s a lot less work to do when you’re staying in a hotel and all the food is prepared for you, but I mean the general supervision and entertaining. I met a Mum on holiday once who seemed to be embarrassed that her DH was doing everything and felt the need to tell everyone around her that she did all the childcare at home so they had an agreement that he would do it on holiday, as if she had to justify herself!

Sandcastlesinthesky · 12/08/2022 10:05

No. If anything DH does more cooking. I hate cooking. He’s also activity dad when we’re on holiday.

Goldbar · 12/08/2022 10:06

Isn't the woman in this relationship equally responsible by putting up with this?

No, not really. No one is 'equally responsible' for another adult behaving like a prat and seeing what they can get away with in terms of exploiting their partner.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/08/2022 10:06

Doesnt happen here. My husband would do breakfast and the simple lunches and all the clearing up, and I'd do the main cooking. We take turns doing activities with the kids while the other switches off and has a bit of a rest. His dad is the same which is probably where he has learnt this from, I've never had to ask

bluechameleon · 12/08/2022 10:07

No, because the men in my family aren't misogynists and the women wouldn't allow it. How on earth do you get to a situation where that happens more than once? One meal gets prepared by some people while other people drink beer. The next meal comes around, how does it not happen that the people who prepared the first meal say "your turn" and sit down with a beer? I just can't get my head around family dynamics like this.

10HailMarys · 12/08/2022 10:07

We didn't go on big group holidays with extended family, but my own dad wasn't like that at all - he was always a really hands-on dad and definitely did his share of all the cleaning and so on. It was also always my dad who actually planned the whole trip, did all the driving, researched attractions to visit etc. Things like packing etc were a joint effort between my parents.

Given that I was born in the mid-1970s I imagine this might actually have been quite unusual for the time.

knittingaddict · 12/08/2022 10:08

We went on lots of group holidays when our children were young. Friends not family. The men in the group would frequently take the children on walks or to climb rocks. The women would be free to play cards or whatever. That was 30 years ago. The men in your family sound awful.

I wouldn't have too much of an issue with doing lunch as long as my husband was solely in charge of the children and didn't bother me with petty concerns. I would also expect the men to take turns with cooking and clearing up. That's a minimum.

LarryTrotter · 12/08/2022 10:09

This does not happen on our holidays because I wouldn't have married and had kids with a sexist, lazy man.

Stand up for yourself!!

deeperthanallroses · 12/08/2022 10:10

We are on holiday in a week; self catering mostly. We have a baby so I plan to sleep in since I’m up in the night, Dh will get the dc breakfast and ready for a swim and bring me a cup of tea :)

girlmom21 · 12/08/2022 10:11

I'm going to hazard a guess the men are just as useless at home.

It only happens because you let it.