The man who wants to marry me still whatsapps his ex-wife "Happy Wedding Anniversary" even though they divorced 15 years ago

[Number7x]

I have been in a relationship with a man for a year. He has declared that he wants to marry me. I recently discovered that he and his ex-wife (divorced 15 years ago and share a son now aged 25) whatsapp each other on "their wedding anniversary" and apparently are coming up to their "30th wedding anniversary".

He does not see why he should stop.
He still has a joint bank account with her, he still goes round for supper at her house once a month "because the son lives there", still borrows money off her, still does her taxes, still goes to her for referrals such as handyman, never talks to her in front of me - always in another room or when I am out and she still calls him "darling". I object to my partner allowing this to continue, I believe it suits him to have her attention even at this minimal level although I am also sure he would not want to get back together with her.

I think if he is in a relationship with me, he should not be holding down a somewhat continued marriage with her and should have absolutely nothing further to do with her, at all. There can't be two "darlings" can there? Am I being unreasonable?

I would not be happy with this at all, the son is an adult so he and his dad should facilitate their time together without the ex. The joint account is just weird. I def would not agree to a marriage or engagement while he's still that enmeshed with his ex.

My ex H wished me a happy wedding anniversary recently even though we've been separated for over a year. Wtf. He could never remember it when we were together so I don't know why now! Bloody strange.

Talk about 3 of you in a relationship 🤣and you are tolerating it.🤷🏻‍♀️

Dump.

That sounds way too involved. No way would I marry this man in your shoes.

When you say recently, how recently? You've been dating a year how long did this take to come to light?
For me I'd be moving on.

Best reply ever!

I wouldn't be too bothered about the anniversary thing, but a joint bank account? WTF...

Sorry OP!

I actually laughed out loud when I read this.

The biggest red flag of all is " he still borrows money from her"
FFS! sounds like she has some wealth and it suits them both that he calls over every now and then. Joint accounts OMG!

Only now he wants you to look after him full time and he'll still continue with the visits and phone calls to the ExW.

Run as fast as you can!

Dump dump dump.

OP, you are not his main gal at all. You're the side piece.

You know all the red flags aren't normal but you're ignoring them because he said he loves you and your cock goggles of a new relationship are still on.

Throw this one back. He is not honest or genuine at all.

You need to throw this one back. Whatever the paperwork says, he's still married to the "ex".

There's no reason he shouldn't maintain a distanced, civil relationship with his ex-wife. He could go out to lunch or dinner with his son to catch up, rather than go round the ex's house for supper.

The joint bank account, celebrating wedding anniversaries (even by text), monthly suppers, secretive phone calls though - all that would be a no-no for me. He's still way too enmeshed with her to be in another relationship.

Love this .. but when you throw him back in can you put a sticker on him that reads ‘comes with excessive baggage’

even at this minimal level

Joint bank account, goes round for dinner, calling each other darling, anniversary texts... if that's what you think of as 'minimal' I'd hate to see what you'd consider to be really enmeshed.

OP, maintaining a civil or even friendly relationship with an ex is fine and pretty normal. But sharing finances, having monthly visits because they 'share a child' who is an actual adult man, the 'darling' thing, borrowing money, happy anniversaries... yeah, that's all mental. Run a mile.

Thank you all so much for your feedback.
Ugh, so many posts saying what I don't want to hear, but you are right.
I am so disappointed but I have to agree. So fed up, FFS.

There are actual, properly single men out there @Number7x .

Throw this one back.

Run as you’ll always be second best

Do you know why they got divorced? I need more info as this is very weird!

Is he actually divorced or "living apart" from his wife......?

YABU to stay with this bloke.
Don't marry him, he's still "married" to her.

Why did they split?

My friend has a similar relationship with her XH (no kids though). She’s an honorary auntie to the kids he’s had with two subsequent wives, and they’ve holidayed as a group. No funny business whatsoever- they love one another as friends, but not as partners.