The man who wants to marry me still whatsapps his ex-wife "Happy Wedding Anniversary" even though they divorced 15 years ago

[Number7x]

I have been in a relationship with a man for a year. He has declared that he wants to marry me. I recently discovered that he and his ex-wife (divorced 15 years ago and share a son now aged 25) whatsapp each other on "their wedding anniversary" and apparently are coming up to their "30th wedding anniversary".

He does not see why he should stop.
He still has a joint bank account with her, he still goes round for supper at her house once a month "because the son lives there", still borrows money off her, still does her taxes, still goes to her for referrals such as handyman, never talks to her in front of me - always in another room or when I am out and she still calls him "darling". I object to my partner allowing this to continue, I believe it suits him to have her attention even at this minimal level although I am also sure he would not want to get back together with her.

I think if he is in a relationship with me, he should not be holding down a somewhat continued marriage with her and should have absolutely nothing further to do with her, at all. There can't be two "darlings" can there? Am I being unreasonable?

I'd have broken it off long before now.

I don't care what words he uses, where he lives, if they never kiss or sleep together or how else he justifies it, he is in a relationship with her.

Nope. Dump him.

He’s still effectively married though?

He is still holding a torch for her.i would not continue with this at all get out now seems he is still married in many ways!

They still share a joint account? Sounds like they are still basically married - are you sure they are actually legally divorced?

I'd suggest re-evaluating whether you want to remain in this relationship, as it sounds like there are 3 of you in it.

Sounds like she is the love of his life and he's never quite gotten over her? There's being friendly and civil with an ex and then there's still sharing bank accounts and cute messages

run for the hills. he's telling you who he is. listen

Why are you putting up with this?

Meh, most bigamists are more split up with wife #1 than this

YANBU Run, now. Tell him you will not be second best, you will not be part of a love triangle and he is not to contact you until he can 100% commit to you and have zero contact with her at all. Ever again (unless regarding emergency re son).

Agreed. I initially thought that some of this could be a sign that he's managed to develop a friendship with his ex-wife and that would be a good thing (I know ex couples who manage to have jolly Christmases together including their new partners, and why not?)

But here it sounds like too much and the detail about him not talking to her in front of OP is a red flag, as is the fact that it feels wrong to OP.

Wtf. I wouldn’t have had a second date with a man who shared a bank account with his ex.

What are you thinking?!

I'm amazed a year down the line you are still with him??? Fuck that.

They hills are thattaway head for them FAST

Ltb. Seriously. He has no boundaries with his ex and therefore you don't....

Are you sure they are divorced? It would be very unusual to have a join account with your ex wife from 15 years ago.

I think the thing to do is to value yourself and draw some boundaries. Say that you aren’t willing to put up with this and walk away.

It's only been a year. 🏃 for the hills

DH and I have been married for 30+ years . If either of our ex spouses messaged us on what would have been our anniversaries, we would find it seriously weird and no way would we message them !!

I believe it suits him to have her attention even at this minimal level

From your description, I wouldn't call this minimal! Get out and fast.

For get his ex for a second, what is he like towards you?
How does he treat you, does he do things for you?
Does he remember all your special dates?
What do you get as gifts, does he cook clean and help in general?

Their wedding anniversaries STOPPED when they got divorced !!!!

Have you asked him how something which no longer exists has anniversaries, and does he do the same on their official divorce day?

Don’t marry him for fuck’s sake.

“Nothing wrong with keeping a civil or even friendly relationship but he’s over the line!”

Sums up the situation, but there are a few red flags in you post.

Joint account - who uses the account, both parties or one. If it’s one, then not a problem.

Borrowing money - huge red flag. Why does a grown man need to feel the need to borrow money of anyone - that tells me he’s not financially secure or savvy. How much does he borrow and how often? Is he good at paying it back? That alone would be a reason not to continue with this relationship.

Monthly Meal with son - not a problem.

wedding anniversary - weird to text Happy 30th when he has declared he wants to marry you. I guess it’s fine to mention in passing that they got married 30 years ago - you’re bound to reflect on the date, but weird to text ‘Happy…’.

Darling - I guessed he continued out of habit. Is he the type of bloke that calls everyone Darling. Have you told him that it feels weird he calls both her and you darling.

Referrals - if she has had recent work done on the area, eg car service done, fair enough. Not for totally random thing.

Taxes - that wouldn’t bother me.

Considering they split 15 years ago, it does feel a little entwined. Maybe she demanded things of him and threatened to withhold access to dc when younger, but he’s now 25!

Does he still sleep with her ?