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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I over reacting here?

93 replies

LidFlipper · 11/08/2022 21:24

Going away next week, Tuesday to Saturday. It’s been planned for AGES. It’s been spoken about for ages. My husband has just messaged me and asked about our plans for the holiday. Turns out he’s only booked the Friday, Saturday and Sunday off.
So I said, “So the last 4 times I’ve asked you if you booked it off you lied then?”
to which he responded “I booked off what I thought we had planned, I didn’t realise we were leaving on the Tuesday.”

This is despite knowing our daughters party is on Sunday. So, he thought we were going away just for one day?
Part of me thinks he’s done this on purpose because he doesn’t want to come. But the other part of me thinks well maybe he is just really fucking stupid.

He’s not home yet but I don’t want to have a massive falling out with him if I’m being u reasonable to be so annoyed. I have a mood disorder and have a tendency to react extremely to things.

Im just so pissed of that yet another trip away on my own with the kids so it’s not really enjoyable for me at all, just really stressful.

Aibu?

OP posts:

agedasiago · 12/08/2022 08:34

LidFlipper · 11/08/2022 21:46

It means I won’t be able to do the things I want to do with our older one because I’m going to be juggling the baby which has really annoyed me. Older one had missed out on a lot because of the baby, I wanted this to be a nice family trip for her.

Tell your husband you are going on Tuesday as planned and taking your older child. If he's not able to come with you, he can travel to meet you once he's off work, but he is responsible for looking after the baby and bringing her with him when he comes if he travels separately from you.

People do this crap because their partners tolerate it. Don't, or it will be like this every single year.

Original poster

LidFlipper · 12/08/2022 08:50

Baby is breastfed so I can’t leave him, and wouldn’t want to spend days away from him anyway.

My husband knows I am absolutely not someone who puts up with any crap which is why I do think this is just a mistake but I still feel like I have a right to be really pissed off with him. It’s no longer a trip I’m looking forward to, just a trip I’m dreading.

OP posts:

Karwomannghia · 12/08/2022 08:57

Is it possible to change the dates anyway? It’s going to be so hot to be doing safari and theme parks with 2 kids on your own- one a baby.

ScarlettSunset · 12/08/2022 09:24

To me it sounds like he didn't want to go but didn't want to tell you, so has made this 'mistake' so he can get out of it without really having to take any responsibility for his decision to not go.
Given that you checked with him repeatedly, there's really no reason why a genuine mistake couldn't have been fixed far sooner.
If it's a one off, and the first time something like this has happened, you're right to be annoyed but should give him the benefit of the doubt. But keep yours eyes open for any other similar things happening in the future.

Mocca8 · 12/08/2022 09:35

I would be annoyed, this happens to me year in year out...my husband won't even take one day off in the 6 week school holidays I'm solo for 6 weeks 3 kids! No break. But he can take a day off to go for a friend's luncheon. Needless to say I'm getting my ducks in a row to separate as he really isn't in this parenting game with me and it'll be easier to do it solo and get the odd break to myself when he has them by force!! I feel your pain. I hope it was a genuine mistake. But birthday etc sounds familiar. Maybe needs a sharp shock. Good luck you're not alone though. Hugs x

billy1966 · 12/08/2022 09:38

OP,

Would you cancel the trip and do nice things at home?

10HailMarys · 12/08/2022 09:50

It sounds from what you've said that he made a stupid mistake. I, like you, would be furious with my DP if he'd made the same mistake.

But I think other posters are being way over the top to assume that he did it on purpose, and to make loads of other judgements on him and your marriage based on the fact that he's a chef.

In answer to the question you actually asked: YANBU to be cross and YANBU to tell him so. I think when you get back from the trip you should probably have a calmer chat together about how this kind of thing makes you feel and why he needs to make sure this doesn't happen again. It's not just that he made the mistake, it's how it made you feel and what it was like for the kids not having their dad on holiday with them etc. What's done is done and there's nothing more he can do to put things right for this occasion, but he does need to understand why you were particularly hurt.

Hont1986 · 12/08/2022 10:07

You can be annoyed on my behalf without doing a complete character assassination on a man you’ve never met. There’s been posts making a lot of assumptions about him that aren’t true.

Welcome to Mumsnet.

LetterfromHermione · 12/08/2022 10:08

Would your dad take the days off to help with the baby and days out or would it be too short notice for his work too?

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 12/08/2022 10:15

If you haven't pre-booked tickets might it be better to do this holiday at a later date when DH can come whe you can do all the things you planned with DD? You could reschedule and spend this holiday doing day trips or local outings.

Original poster

LidFlipper · 12/08/2022 12:29

This is the only dates I can have off this year now so I’m just going to go on my own.

OP posts:

LookItsMeAgain · 12/08/2022 14:38

I am sorry to say @LidFlipper but this would be a relationship deal breaker for me.

If he couldn't be arsed organising the time off to spend with his children (forget that you're there, this is their holiday time so it's to be spent making memories for them and with them) then I'd have to give serious thought about whether or not I could stay with someone who basically (based on what you've said he does) prioritised strangers over his family.

Go this time. Make your own special memories with your children but he'd be getting a letter from my solicitor shortly after I'd return.

Original poster

LidFlipper · 12/08/2022 16:26

LookItsMeAgain · 12/08/2022 14:38

I am sorry to say @LidFlipper but this would be a relationship deal breaker for me.

Go this time. Make your own special memories with your children but he'd be getting a letter from my solicitor shortly after I'd return.

My relationship is not so fragile that I would end an entire marriage over one mistake. I’m sorry that yours is.

We’ve had an argument, I’ve given him a bollocking, he’s gone to work and we will probably make up later on when he gets home if I’m still up. ATM I’m still pissed off with him but I will get over it.

OP posts:

LookItsMeAgain · 13/08/2022 11:54

@LidFlipper - hang on a second. My marriage is just going fine thanks very much. Don't project the failings of your husband on to mine. Mine has plenty of failings (as I'm very sure do I because no one is perfect) but this isn't one of them. When we go on holidays and on all of the holidays we've been on, it has been as a family. Together.

You came on and posted in AIBU asking whether you were unreasonable being pissed off that after mentioning your holiday to your husband multiple times that he didn't step up and take the full holiday off to spend with you and your children, together.
I said you weren't being unreasonable.
However, as the thread progressed, you mentioned that this isn't the first time that he has done this.
I also pointed out that your children will remember that their dad didn't show up on their holidays, spend time with them on their holidays and spend time with their mother on their holidays. This is what they will remember. Like it or not this is what will happen. He is showing that you and your children are second or possibly third in importance to him. His job and providing for complete strangers by way of his job shows where he puts you and his children in his list of priorities.

I've seen it written on MN so many times that when someone shows you their true colours, believe them. I believe that your husband is showing you (and your children) his true colours here - believe them.

Original poster

LidFlipper · 13/08/2022 11:57

@LookItsMeAgain ”you mentioned that this isn't the first time that he has done this”

no I haven’t. You’ve just made that up. Leave me alone.

OP posts:

LookItsMeAgain · 13/08/2022 12:38

@LidFlipper - I think you're misdirecting your rage towards me:
"I have a mood disorder and have a tendency to react extremely to things." - Direct your rage at the person who has put in you in this position, not some random stranger posting on the internet.
"My husband knows I am absolutely not someone who puts up with any crap" - Except you are putting up with this crap.

I will accept that I misinterpreted the point you made in your opening message where you said "yet another trip away on my own with the kids" The other trips were your choice to go away without him. This one wasn't though and you had spoken with him about it multiple times. You had discussed it multiple times. He didn't listen to you multiple times. He ignored you and the requirement to take the same leave as you multiple times.

Enjoy your holiday or not. Entirely up to you. I really couldn't give a shit either way.

I'm going to bow out now but please don't misdirect your rage or anger issues towards me just because what I've typed may have hit a nerve with you.

LidFlipper · 13/08/2022 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Endlesslypatient82 · 25/08/2022 12:45

How did the holiday go op?!

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