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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I over reacting here?

93 replies

LidFlipper · 11/08/2022 21:24

Going away next week, Tuesday to Saturday. It’s been planned for AGES. It’s been spoken about for ages. My husband has just messaged me and asked about our plans for the holiday. Turns out he’s only booked the Friday, Saturday and Sunday off.
So I said, “So the last 4 times I’ve asked you if you booked it off you lied then?”
to which he responded “I booked off what I thought we had planned, I didn’t realise we were leaving on the Tuesday.”

This is despite knowing our daughters party is on Sunday. So, he thought we were going away just for one day?
Part of me thinks he’s done this on purpose because he doesn’t want to come. But the other part of me thinks well maybe he is just really fucking stupid.

He’s not home yet but I don’t want to have a massive falling out with him if I’m being u reasonable to be so annoyed. I have a mood disorder and have a tendency to react extremely to things.

Im just so pissed of that yet another trip away on my own with the kids so it’s not really enjoyable for me at all, just really stressful.

Aibu?

OP posts:
LilyMarshall · 12/08/2022 07:23

He’s not home yet but I don’t want to have a massive falling out with him if I’m being u reasonable to be so annoyed.
this is sad. It isnt unreasonable at all. He repeatedly lied to you about booking days off for the family holiday. That’s appalling. Why would you even think being annoyed would be in any way unreasonable?

what is his solution to not being able to get the days off? And what was his reaction?

honestly, op, youre describing a selfish man, working silly hours, lies and doesnt go on holidays with the childrens either.

in what ways is he an excellent father? in what ways is he a good partner?

Brefugee · 12/08/2022 07:23

He really doesn’t. He’s a chef. He doesn’t get home till 11:30-12:00.

meh. Split shifts? When my DCs were born my DH was a chef in a restaurant. he worked Wednesdays to Sundays, split shifts. He did all the childcare, school runs, whatever on his days off, and we did everything 50/50 when i got home. He started at 9:30 or 10, so took the DCs to school (or childminder in holidays).

Between shifts he came home, and hung out washing, pushed the vaccer round or whatever for half an hour or so then relaxed and did his own thing before he went back at 5:30. And yes it can be stressful in a kitchen, but it's stressful going away on your own with children. So tell him to shape up or ship out.

Brefugee · 12/08/2022 07:25

Definitely not worried about job security but probably worried about letting his boss down. She’s very good to him and has been very understanding with him having to change shifts around to fit around my working pattern too.

also: do you know how hard it is to find chefs? she should be bending over backwards to keep him.
(also "great dad" but is working most of the time when the DCs are home - amirite?)

portinahurry · 12/08/2022 07:34

If you're just going to your dads can you not all go for just the last couple of nights and forget the beginning/rebook for another time? Failing that I would do the first couple of nights alone and then hand the baby over when he arrives, you can then have some trips with your older child.

Definitely book his spare holiday days off now so it's in the diary to have family time in the future.

Original poster
LidFlipper · 12/08/2022 07:40

Wow there’s some really horrible posts here. I’m not asking for advice on my marriage, thanks.

My husband works 12 hour shifts. He leaves the house 11am and gets home at 11:30-12. He gets up every morning with the kids at 6am because I go to work then. He does most of the cooking, all of the laundry and his fair share of housework. He is a loving, kind and generous husband. He has 2 days off a week, one he spends with the children when I’m at work, the second day we both have off together as otherwise we would literally never see each other.

Yes he has massively fucked up here. Yes I’m very angry with him. I would appreciate it if we stuck to the actual point of the op which was if I’m being unreasonable to basically start an argument about it. So far I haven’t as I was too tired when he got home last night and yes he was avoiding me as he knew I was so pissed off.

My dad is a 5 hour drive away so no I don’t want to go just for a day. He said he will drive up after work on the Thursday but I’ve told him no. A, there’s not really much point coming for just one day. And B, I don’t want him to drive for 5 hours when he’s been working for 12 hours.

OP posts:
Original poster
LidFlipper · 12/08/2022 07:43

And I can’t change the dates because I’ve booked my annual leave for then.

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 12/08/2022 07:45

Eh? One minute you say you have a mood disorder. In OP. And yet the next 16 posts, you do nothing but defend him. I don't get it. I'd be beyond furious. I wouldn't shout at Dh, but I'd say to him, "I'm so angry, beyond furious, that I don't know what the do with myself".

You Seem to be completely in denial. that either your husband has just checked out your relationship, is a shit dad, a shit husband, or just a twat. which is it? Seriously though no one, no one does this. It's not hard to book holiday. And then to check it's booked. It's so easy that there literally is no excuse.

Yeah you've managed to come up with plenty. From a women who starred the thread saying she is as furious? So, Cut the bullshit what are you actually going to do about this?

Oblomov22 · 12/08/2022 07:46

Horrible?
You need to get a fucking grip!
So what are you actually asking? Hmm

LittleBearPad · 12/08/2022 07:49

Could you stay until Sunday so at least he’s there longer?

I’d be livid and asking him to check again on taking at least Thursday and possibly Wednesday off if he can’t get the full time

Sparkletastic · 12/08/2022 07:51

Is there no chance you can move your leave?

Original poster
LidFlipper · 12/08/2022 07:52

Oblomov22 · 12/08/2022 07:46

Horrible?
You need to get a fucking grip!
So what are you actually asking? Hmm

Well it’s days twice now what I’m actually asking so try reading it.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 12/08/2022 07:52

Yeah they're not horrible, OP. They are mostly annoyed on your behalf because you have said that it will ruin your holiday, esp for your older child.

You said his boss is lovely? 12 hour shifts (or does he have a huge commute? or is it split shifts?) do not indicate a lovely boss. Some restaurants are only doing lunchtime or evening service, or closing on particular days in order to give their staff better working conditions, or they will lose them.

I hope he is getting paid for all this devotion he is giving to the place he works for.

Back to the immediate problem: in your shoes i would be having him explain to your DD why he's not coming (no excuses, he messed up the dates)

in future? work out dates together, ask him once to confirm he has the dates off (not "the holiday" but "x date to y date is booked off, right" and then see how it goes.

Original poster
LidFlipper · 12/08/2022 07:52

LittleBearPad · 12/08/2022 07:49

Could you stay until Sunday so at least he’s there longer?

I’d be livid and asking him to check again on taking at least Thursday and possibly Wednesday off if he can’t get the full time

No unfortunately not as my daughters birthday party is on the Sunday so we need to be back on time.

OP posts:
serafinarose · 12/08/2022 07:55

It's a mistake. If there's no way around it I'd probably just call him an idiot and move on rather than start a pointless argument about it. Definitely double and triple check next time though.

Original poster
LidFlipper · 12/08/2022 07:56

You can be annoyed on my behalf without doing a complete character assassination on a man you’ve never met. There’s been posts making a lot of assumptions about him that aren’t true. I posted about this specific problem and that’s all I want support on.

OP posts:
Karwomannghia · 12/08/2022 07:56

He could set off early on the Friday morning if he normally gets up at 6 anyway and have Friday and Saturday there.
yes annoying and a half hearted attempt at booking leave.

Original poster
LidFlipper · 12/08/2022 07:57

serafinarose · 12/08/2022 07:55

It's a mistake. If there's no way around it I'd probably just call him an idiot and move on rather than start a pointless argument about it. Definitely double and triple check next time though.

Yes thank you. I know in my head that it’s done now so what’s the point in starting an argument but I’m just so angry.

OP posts:
HikingforScenery · 12/08/2022 08:08

I was beginning to get miffed on your behalf until I realised you were visiting your dad.

I wouldn’t be this cross tbh.

I think it’s completely fine for him to come to you on Thursday night after work.
You refusing him coming then sounds controlling tbh.

Ge messed up and apologised. Accept his solution, go on your own or cancel. You’re not losing any money on cancellation.

LittleBearPad · 12/08/2022 08:09

LidFlipper · 12/08/2022 07:57

Yes thank you. I know in my head that it’s done now so what’s the point in starting an argument but I’m just so angry.

Show quote history

I think you get to be cross - which doesn’t mean you need to have a row - as he has fucked up here.

I also think any future holiday bookings need to be taken seriously by him and presumably as he now has some unused leave he can book it later in the summer and spend some time with you all.

SaySomethingMan · 12/08/2022 08:10

LidFlipper · 12/08/2022 07:56

You can be annoyed on my behalf without doing a complete character assassination on a man you’ve never met. There’s been posts making a lot of assumptions about him that aren’t true. I posted about this specific problem and that’s all I want support on.

That’s aibu.

You can’t post and ask that people stick to one but only. MNers will explore every bit of thx situation they feel requires it.
The only way to prevent that is by not posting, I guess.

WinterMusings · 12/08/2022 08:10

Can he get a train to somewhere near your Dads?

Original poster
LidFlipper · 12/08/2022 08:11

We’re not really visiting my dad as such as my dad is working . we’re using his house as a base for all the things we’ve told our daughter were going to do. We live in Cornwall so right at the end of the country so we don’t Foren get to do theme parks, safari parks etc.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 12/08/2022 08:24

LidFlipper · 11/08/2022 21:57

Lots. He’s a great dad! It’s only this one particular issue I’m cross about. I just feel so let down.

He's not a great dad. A 'great' dad would ensure that his children get to spend time with them on holidays. He would make time for his children.

Your children will remember the holidays with mum but the ones where dad always showed up late or didn't bother showing up at all.

That's what they will remember.

This is not your fault. It's his.

He needs to take the necessary time off and do it now!

Original poster
LidFlipper · 12/08/2022 08:27

He can’t get Wednesday and Thursday off now he’s left it too late. We’ve had a huge row this morning. I’m so pissed off. I’m still going to go but I don’t to anymore.

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 12/08/2022 08:30

He’s done it on purpose yes. I would be fucking furious.