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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I over reacting here?

93 replies

LidFlipper · 11/08/2022 21:24

Going away next week, Tuesday to Saturday. It’s been planned for AGES. It’s been spoken about for ages. My husband has just messaged me and asked about our plans for the holiday. Turns out he’s only booked the Friday, Saturday and Sunday off.
So I said, “So the last 4 times I’ve asked you if you booked it off you lied then?”
to which he responded “I booked off what I thought we had planned, I didn’t realise we were leaving on the Tuesday.”

This is despite knowing our daughters party is on Sunday. So, he thought we were going away just for one day?
Part of me thinks he’s done this on purpose because he doesn’t want to come. But the other part of me thinks well maybe he is just really fucking stupid.

He’s not home yet but I don’t want to have a massive falling out with him if I’m being u reasonable to be so annoyed. I have a mood disorder and have a tendency to react extremely to things.

Im just so pissed of that yet another trip away on my own with the kids so it’s not really enjoyable for me at all, just really stressful.

Aibu?

OP posts:
hobbledyhoy · 11/08/2022 22:11

Yeah I would be incredibly angry and wouldn't believe it to be a mistake considering he's done it before. I'm afraid he sounds like a bit of a selfish bastard.

Can you cancel and get money back to treat yourself to a couple of nights away? He might think twice about being a twat in future if he ends up having to look after the kids when he expected free time.

Original poster
LidFlipper · 11/08/2022 22:14

He’s not done it before?

Not going to lose any money thankfully as we’re staying with my dad. I’ll still go, as eldest deserves a nice time but I won’t be happy about it.

OP posts:
Testina · 11/08/2022 22:14

And they always say “he’s a great dad though”.
He’s not.
He lies to you to avoid spending time on holiday with his kids.
That’s a shit dad, right there.

TeapotTitties · 11/08/2022 22:15

LidFlipper · 11/08/2022 21:57

Lots. He’s a great dad! It’s only this one particular issue I’m cross about. I just feel so let down.

Where does he find the time to be a great dad when you're having to force him to take time off, and he works until gone midnight every night?

Jellybean23 · 11/08/2022 22:21

We all know it's easier going to work than looking after the kids.

Original poster
LidFlipper · 11/08/2022 22:22

TeapotTitties · 11/08/2022 22:15

Where does he find the time to be a great dad when you're having to force him to take time off, and he works until gone midnight every night?

Show quote history

I don’t think that’s fair. I work too am I not a great mum?

OP posts:
Echobelly · 11/08/2022 22:25

Is he anxious that booking time off work will look bad for him? I know kitchen work can be crazy stressful and with a OTT working culture. Not saying what he did was right, but is he anxious about his job security?

Original poster
LidFlipper · 11/08/2022 22:26

Echobelly · 11/08/2022 22:25

Is he anxious that booking time off work will look bad for him? I know kitchen work can be crazy stressful and with a OTT working culture. Not saying what he did was right, but is he anxious about his job security?

Definitely not worried about job security but probably worried about letting his boss down. She’s very good to him and has been very understanding with him having to change shifts around to fit around my working pattern too.

OP posts:
RosiePosie27 · 11/08/2022 22:37

@TeapotTitties that is harsh - my DH works so hard (many, many late nights) to provide for us. I work 2 jobs too to make sure our family has a good life. You can’t say that he doesn’t care about his family because he works so much - you don’t know their financial / family situation. My dad moved abroad so he could earn more money to send home to his family and we only saw him 3 times a year - I suppose my dad was a shit dad too?? No. He worked hard for us and to give us opportunities.

OP, I think some people are trying to totally slaughter your husband for this and it’s not fair. My DH forgets to do stuff but in no way does it means he hates me / the children / our life. He’s just busy and things slip his mind. He’s not malacious or cold hearted or a bastard etc. just remind him that it’s important to you and children and that it has upset you. I’m sure he didn’t mean to make you upset.

hobbledyhoy · 11/08/2022 22:39

LidFlipper · 11/08/2022 22:14

He’s not done it before?

Not going to lose any money thankfully as we’re staying with my dad. I’ll still go, as eldest deserves a nice time but I won’t be happy about it.

I assumed he had as you said 'yet another trip away on my own' so I took that to mean he had form

Original poster
LidFlipper · 11/08/2022 22:41

oh that’s my fault for poor wording. The last two trips away I’ve done by myself, through my own planning. But I found it very hard and he knows that which is why I wanted him to come with me this time.

OP posts:
Original poster
LidFlipper · 11/08/2022 22:57

He can’t get those days off. I’m so fucking angry with him.

OP posts:
PixieLaLa · 11/08/2022 23:50

You could cancel and take your eldest away somewhere closer just for Fri/Sat and DH can look after the baby those two days he’s booked off.

Yeezytiger · 11/08/2022 23:53

Do you not coordinate your phone diaries?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/08/2022 00:01

Not great that he has messed up the dates, but if you are staying with your Dad will he be able to help with childcare?

Original poster
LidFlipper · 12/08/2022 04:20

No my dad will be at work so he will be there in the evening but the day times it will be on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
LidFlipper · 12/08/2022 04:43

Yeezytiger · 11/08/2022 23:53

Do you not coordinate your phone diaries?

What?

OP posts:
miraveile · 12/08/2022 04:50

I think he has to tell his boss he needs the days off or his marriage will be over! Are you sure he's asked? Can't he even get the Thurs off so it's one less day alone? Anyone who'll swap some shifts with him? Think he needs to try a bit harder here

LaPerduta · 12/08/2022 06:25

I'm a bit confused. Why did you ask him four times if he had booked the time off? What was the reason that you didn't believe/accept it when he told you the first time that he had sorted it?

And why, when you were double/triple/quadruple checking he had booked the time off did you not double check he had got the dates correct?

I'm not saying the situation is your fault, but I don't understand why you kept asking him exactly the same question but still omitted to confirm the details were correct. How come the leaving date/day was never referred to on all these conversations about booking leave? Or no reference was made to any specific days (i.e. planning to do a particular activity or meet up with someone on the Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday)?

SandieCollins · 12/08/2022 06:30

Yeezytiger · 11/08/2022 23:53

Do you not coordinate your phone diaries?

This makes me laugh. I’ve suggested it myself to others at times but also tried it myself. The kids ignore it and the husband doesn’t even remember that he’s got one.

Shoxfordian · 12/08/2022 06:32

It seems like he isn’t really on your team op

I couldn’t be with someone so disorganised or is he only disorganised for stuff he doesn’t really want to do?

Londonrach1 · 12/08/2022 07:00

Yeezytiger · 11/08/2022 23:53

Do you not coordinate your phone diaries?

What are phone diaries? I like my paper diary and my DH doesn't even have a phone. Op. My husband the same doesn't listen to what I say so taking to writing important things down.

rookiemere · 12/08/2022 07:06

OP told her DH the dates.

She's not his social secretary, he's a grown adult.

DH does book the leave, but treats me like a bloody tour operator- expecting me to know at all moments when he needs to be off - even when he's going to visit his friend that I know nothing about the trip.

I don't know how far away it is. Could you just go for the day he has off and he looks after the younger ones ?

Quitelikeit · 12/08/2022 07:14

I would be seething with rage.

but no man would dare do this to me and tbh I wouldn’t date a chef as their working hours are horrendous

insist that he comes straight after work on Thursday

I do believe he has done this on purpose

Quitelikeit · 12/08/2022 07:18

Oh and definitely consider changing the dates so he CAN come