To object to "She's not peddling on the back"

[ArseOnSaddle]

DH and I have ridden a tandem for about 10 years. We absolutely love it, it's much more social than having separate bikes, and there is a brilliant teamwork thing where you have to work together and synchronise your actions to maximise your speed.

Tandems are generally set up so the stronger rider is at the front, as it takes a lot of upper body strength to steer the combined weight of two people. So generally in heterosexual couples, the man is on the front and the women is the "stoker".

However, it makes us an irresistible target for the inevitable shout of "She's not peddling at the back". It's always some smartarse bloke, often not looking like he does any exercise at all, and it's started to really wind me up. Especially when we've just slogged up some endless mountain climb (which is really tough and slow on a tandem) and I've been working my arse off for hours. It just feels really discouraging and sexist - like my effort is invisible.

However, we recently had a quite unpleasant interaction where I expressed my frustration with the comment and the guy took massive exception - because it was only a friendly joke - and I really wished I hadn't said anything.

So is the only possible response to ignore it? It is so frequent and so very irritating!

YABU : It's a joke, get over yourself.
YANBU: It is pretty sexist and annoying.

Shouting and swearing at someone making a daft joke makes you twice as bad as them. You clearly have anger issues.

Exactly this. Like washing your car and someone saying "you can do mine next". Hardly something to get worked up about.

Fuck off bellend is a quality insult

Always good to make the world a happier place. Never wrong to scream insults in the street. No wonder the world etc etc

Or, "you missed a bit".

Although many moons ago it used to be, "oi, your back wheel's not turning" and they'd laugh if you looked.

People love to make stupid jokes. Everyone has a different threshold but personally I'd brush it off as it's no biggie. Sounds like a touchy one for you OP, given you mention your struggles uphill.

The best responses are so obvious.

"Yes I have a lovely captain don't I"
"Yes aren't I lucky!"
"We're still going to overtake you!"
"Chance to daydream is one of the best things about being a stoker"
"I have him well trained don't I?"
"He slogs, I toodle. Totally compatible"
"You're just jealous you don't have such a fine passenger on your bike"

Come on MNers. Art of banter. You can do this.

It really all depends on your mood that day.
Good mood: give a thumbs up or just ignore them.
Bad mood: give a thumbs down or comment, "Ohh, how original!" or some other minor comment.
But these people who holler these comments are generally not serious so as long as you are not violent or extremely rude then YANBU.

You are riding an unusual vehicle past people. It's entirely reasonable that they should react, just if you were on a unicycle or walking five dogs on one lead.

Someone is saying something lighthearted about it to try and brighten someone's day.

It's not sexist, it's not punching down, it's not malicious - all of which would be unacceptable.

Lunar270, I think you've hit the nail on the head. It is sensitive for me because I'm not naturally athletic and it has an emotional weight that isn't there with other "banter".

I recognise what people are saying about "you can do mine next" - I've had that when gardening or cleaning the car and wouldn't dream of taking offence. And I can see that for many people saying "She's not pedaling" feels no different. But it feels very different for me because it's a joke directed to my partner, in which I feature as "her", and which belittles the not inconsiderable effort I'm putting in.
But the reason for posting this is that we were definitely drifting towards a more hostile reply and I agree it's not warranted or helpful.

I'm appreciating the suggestions for quick come backs which are in the spirit of banter. Generally , it needs to be very short as we are often cycling by them (or sometimes being overtaken), so there isn't time for a long sentence. I'm mulling the suggestions over and also considering:
"Hilarious"
"That's not as funny as you think it is".

But I'm sure there could be better ones. As lljkk says, mumsnet, art of banter - all suggestions gratefully received.

I think the "That's Ok I'm not steering" response is the best. Short enough to say, funny and kind of refutes the disparaging-ness of the dickhead's remark.

I personally think it’s probably sexist.

But in spite of the guy getting unpleasant, do you think he may think twice before doing it again? If so, I’d take it as a win.

Im older, but in my time I’ve had my share of sexist comments. I wish I’d had the confidence then to call them out on it.

But if it happens, I’m going to give it back to them each and every time. If it causes one bloke to think twice about some misogynistic shit, then that’s one less in the world for my DD to have to deal with.

I get the feeling you were looking for the argument. Lets face it, seeing a tandem the person at the front cannot see the person at the back and what they are doing. If someone says 'the person at the back isnt peddling' are they any better than saying 'the woman at the back isnt peddling'? Would a man take as much offence if they were at the back of a woman? What about 2 men? At the end of the day, it will always be a woman in your example with your husband and the person saying it is not trying to be anything other than amusing.

The ability to be nice, break the ice or even just to have a nice moment is disappearing down the drain these days. Its safer to ignore and avoid interactions.

It's a joke,
Jeez

Lets face it, seeing a tandem the person at the front cannot see the person at the back

A tandem rider at the front knows exactly how much work the stoker is doing - he would know immediately if I wasn't doing any work, However, no-one else could see it as the two sets of pedals are connected, so your legs are going round together regardless. So it is a truly fatuous joke.

Well yes - but 2/3 of people on here think it's not unreasonable to find it an annoying one.

I suspect many of them are women who've been the subject of "jokes" about some kind of sporting activity themselves.

It is probably rare for a lone woman to make a joke at the expense of an exercising man, and only too common for a man to make a joke at the expense of a woman. So it does feel both sexist and punching down to me, and the relentlessly repeated nature of it makes it feel like a kind of mild bullying, even though as I've said, I recognise that's not how it's intended. Which is why I'm trying to find a less confrontational response.

Nothing new here.

When we were small (1960's) my parents had two tandems and we would go off as a family (there were three of us kids and the smallest was on a kiddy seat on the back) and similar comments were made then about the child on the back not pedaling (the older ones could reach the pedals ok).
Goes with the territory.

Both my DDs are about to go off to Uni in September. Every time I muse to DH what are we going to do with all of our spare time, he says we’re going to get a tandem. He doesn’t sound like he’s joking. He did used to be a professional cyclist though, so there’s every chance I will be on the back, not peddling 😁

We've had both MANY times! Absolutely love the 'tandem smile', also love a comedy 'tandem double-take', can't abide the sexist 'banter'.

What area are you? We've literally never had Daisy Daisy, it would be such a welcome change. We're gradually whittling away at the British Cycle Quest but have mostly covered Scotland, Wales, North West and a bit of Yorkshire - not really ventured south yet - maybe it's a southern thing?

Not sure it ever works like that!

Currently based in the South but have tandemmed all over the UK, haven't noticed a geographic difference but will look out for it now!

Anyone here ever done the tandem triathlon...?

Ooh no, I've done a tandem time trial, but not a triathlon. Not that I'm any good at running or swimming fast, but I like the idea of triathlons. I'd probably be a better spectator. 😂

Can’t believe how many people have tandems I have literally never seen one

The comments sound similar to the ones I (and the whole crew) used to receive when archaeologically digging. Inevitably someone would approach and ask if we'd found any bodies. The reply was ALWAYS "yes, the last person who asked that question". Or, have you found anything interesting? Now the general public's idea of interesting and an archaeologist's somewhat vary, a lot. So the responses somewhat varied.

Those comments weren't sexist but became tedious, as it could stop work for a while to show people around. But I do agree with pps who describe the trivial opening up (sometimes) a more interesting conversation. Now looking back, letting the general public "educate" themselves as to what was going on in their town is a good thing. Hope your tandem-ing continues to go well!

As far as I am aware, unless the trailer is over 3.5 tonnes the speed limits are the same as for cars in France