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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go and do something with just my DC?

60 replies

Whataboringsummerholidays · 11/08/2022 10:02

So far the summer holidays have been rubbish for my DC.

DH has DSC (two of them, age 10 and 11) twice as much which is great in itself but has ended up negatively impacting my DC. Let me explain.

DSC1 has a summer break club she attends every week day, one week on one week off. It runs from 10am until 3pm. On the one occasion we took 11yo DSS and the younger ones (toddler and baby) to soft play and for lunch during the hours she was at her club when she found out we'd gone without her she kicked off and cried.

Cue DH then deciding that to avoid further upset we would just sit around indoors until 3pm when she finished before we did anything from then onwards which is shit because we don't even have a garden.

My 3yo is very rambunctious and loves to be outside.

Any activity we then do is tailored to the older older children which my 3 year old does her best to join in with but can't really, and the poor baby is stuck in the pram or sitting on my lap. I'm starting to feel really guilty that I'm not doing anything enriching for him. The other half of the time DSC don't even want to go out.

WIBU to just go off with my two today and do something for/with them? DH will be miffed as he wants us all together and I don't suppose it'll go down well with DSC but I'm bored shirtless and feel sorry for my DC who barely get a look in.

OP posts:
Basilthymerosemary · 11/08/2022 10:08

Definitely not unreasonable. Enjoy the time with your kids and let your husband parents his kids; also tell DH that he needs to have words with his daughter; she's old enough to understand that family life doesn't revolve around just her wishes.please do not stay indoors until 3pm especially with no garden- for your own sanity if nothing else!! X

LionessesRules · 11/08/2022 10:08

Why should DSC1 get an activity for half the holidays, and the other 3 have to sit at home?

Go and do something aimed at the younger kids while camp is on. Invite the other DSC, or leave them at home for an hour.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 11/08/2022 10:10

Def unreasonable that you haven't been doing stuff with your dc all along op.
Even if full siblings you don't have to haul them all everywhere!!

35965a · 11/08/2022 10:12

Do stuff with your kids. Your DH needs to get a grip.

CheGuevaraandDebussy · 11/08/2022 10:14

Tell him to parent his kids and you'll worry about yours.

jeaux90 · 11/08/2022 10:15

Your DH is utterly ridiculous.

Remind him that dealing with disappointment and missing out is a part of emotional maturity his DD needs to learn.

Your DCs need to have their own lives too! Take them out.

Sceptre86 · 11/08/2022 10:18

He needs to stop being a disney dad and not give in to her tantrums. My baby is turning 1 soon and both my 6 and 5 year old will be at school. We are still going to take her out during the day to celebrate. They might well feel a bit put out but oh well as they will be involved later.

I'd offer for you to do something with your dss and little ones. If it gets vetoed take your own little ones out.

HeckyPeck · 11/08/2022 10:19

YANBU

Your DH is being ridiculous to pander to a 10 year olds tantrum. Not to mention being incredibly unfair to the other children.

They will all end up resenting him (and you if you carry on going along with it) for the blatant favouritism.

Quitelikeit · 11/08/2022 10:21

Gosh I can’t believe you allow this man and his kids to control your life in this way!!!

woman up please

LearnedAxolotl · 11/08/2022 10:23

Yab totally u for putting up with that shit at all. Take your dc out. They deserve better than sitting around waiting for dsc to be available.

Roady1 · 11/08/2022 10:26

YWBU NOT to do this.

Anyone saying it's unreasonable for you to spend time with your own children needs to give their head a wobble pronto.

Original poster
Whataboringsummerholidays · 11/08/2022 10:27

The day we took the other 3 out DH said to DSS (11) it's best not to tell her we'd been anywhere, let's just keep it to ourselves. How barmy is that?

Ofc DSS did end up mentioning it, not out of spite he was just excited to talk about his day. She was inconsolable and felt it was deeply unfair.

I tried gently talking to her about it with a view to explain that it isn't fair on the other three to have to sit around indoors doing nothing, and that she gets twice as much fun and entertainment as the others so it's only fair they get to do things when she's at her club.

DH interjected and stopped me saying he'd already spoken to her about it. I don't think he has actually.

We all went out yesterday from 4.30 (after her club) and went to something for the older kids. We didn't get home until almost 10pm meaning I didn't have any dinner at all, the shop was closed so i couldn't get the baby milk i needed to get and baby was kept up late just sitting in his buggy.

I've been so Unreasonable pandering to it but felt like I didn't have a choice. NRP guilt gets transferred to me.

OP posts:
IceCreamWithSprinkles · 11/08/2022 10:29

I would definitely do something geared to your kids - if your DSS is at home I don’t know that I would exclude him, but make it clear that you are going somewhere aimed at young kids and that he is welcome to come and “help” if he wants.
No way would I be sitting at home all day every day though! At least get out to the park or something! Presumably DSD does the activity because she enjoys it, your DH needs to speak to her to make it clear that life doesn’t stop because she’s not there, and that it would be unfair on everyone else to do nothing whilst she is off having fun.

Original poster
Whataboringsummerholidays · 11/08/2022 10:29

Thank you all, I needed that kick up the arse!

I'm going to get my DC ready and we're going to the outdoor paddling pool.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whataboringsummerholidays · 11/08/2022 10:31

DSS isn't here at the moment otherwise I'd gladly take him with us. He's at his mums until (you guessed it) after 3...

OP posts:
35965a · 11/08/2022 10:31

The day we took the other 3 out DH said to DSS (11) it's best not to tell her we'd been anywhere, let's just keep it to ourselves. How barmy is that?

^ You need to nip that right in the bud. He cannot be pandering to an 11 year old like that, plus expecting you to as well. That will well and truly bite him in the arse in a few years when she’s a teenager and thinks she is in charge of all of you. I’d be having a serious word with him. It’s not a good dynamic for any of you.

10HailMarys · 11/08/2022 10:32

Regardless of DSD's club activity, and regardless of the children being step-siblings, it would not be unreasonable to take a toddler and a baby to an activity or day out that's more suited to them than to the older ones. I understand that your DH wants his children to feel like they're all part of one family, and that's great, but even if you had four children together, you can't always do things that revolve around one child's all-day summer club and you can't always find things that suit 10- and 11-year-olds that also suit a toddler and a baby.

I'm a lot younger than my brother and sister and I know there were definitely many times that one parent did something with my brother and/or sister while the other parent did something different with me. I definitely remember my dad taking me to a kid-focused attraction on holiday one year while my brother and sister stayed back with my mum at the holiday park we were staying in because they just wanted to play tennis and sunbathe by a pool.

NameChangeIsGo · 11/08/2022 10:35

You took them to soft play, not Disneyworld...

YANBU, go out and have fun.

Roady1 · 11/08/2022 10:36

And quite honestly I'd be telling a 10/11 year old crying over softplay to get a grip.

Goldbar · 11/08/2022 10:43

This is crazy! Tell your DH he can either come along or not but you're not keeping the rest of the children (including DSS if he's around) inside, hot and bored, so one child who is already doing a fun activity doesn't feel that they're missing out on anything at all.

Yousee · 11/08/2022 10:48

No, your DH needs to be told that he has four children and all of them are equally important and deserving of consideration and fun.
His DD needs to be taught the same to be honest.

Hoppinggreen · 11/08/2022 10:50

Even if these were your DC and full siblings to the younger one of course you can go out while the others aren’t there.
Its like saying that I could never do anything with DS over the summer holidsys if his sister was at a friends or other activity. Ridiculous

aSofaNearYou · 11/08/2022 10:53

Dear Lord, your DH is being utterly ridiculous. Additionally, the 11 year old really needs to be taught not to react this way, it isn't good for her.

MangoBiscuit · 11/08/2022 10:55

Your DH is being ridiculous. My 2 DDs are both younger than your DSD, and they have learnt and accepted that sometimes the other one will do something fun without them. If one is away at cub camp or similar, I will often plan to do something with the other.

If she doesn't want to miss out during the day, then she doesn't go to her club that day. Your DH doesn't get to dictate that no one else is allowed to do anything. That's massively unfair on the other children, and the chances are that DSS will notice the blatant favouritism.

Original poster
Whataboringsummerholidays · 11/08/2022 10:56

I needed to hear all of this 🙏

DH booked this week off work and I'm wondering why he bothered if its going to be spent sat indoors, he may aswell have just gone in.

I've just tired to start a conversation about it all. I said this isn't fair on the younger ones and definitely not fair on the baby who didn't get home until 10pm at night because you wanted to wait until late in the afternoon before we did anything. It's not fair for him to just be sat in the pram watching the older ones have fun. It's definitely not fair keeping him out until late at night.

He didn't even answer me, just stared at me.

OP posts: