to make DS pay for his own cleats?

[CheerfulYank]

DS is newly 15 and has been working at an ice cream place this summer (we’re American so he is out of school from the end of May until the first week of September). It’s only open through Halloween so he just has a handful of paychecks left (if he doesn’t get another job through the winter, which he might as I think he’s gotten pretty used to spending money!)

The reason he got a job (most kids in his year haven’t yet) is that he wants to go on an expensive band trip next year. I told him he’d have to get a job and make half the money (or at least show that he was putting forth the effort) because we couldn’t afford to pay for the whole thing. He agreed and got the job.

The issue is, he’s saved nothing. He buys snacks and drinks almost daily, protein powder, bought a custom color baseball glove for $200, and has bought 4 or 5 hats that cost upwards of $50 apiece, as well as various other stuff (t-shirts, various teen boy stuff).

He came to me today and said he needs new cleats for football that’s just starting up. These cleats are anywhere from $100-$200 and I just don’t have it to spare this week, nor are we likely to in the next few weeks.

With school starting soon DH and I have got all three of them to buy for (he has a little brother and sister, 9 and 7), all of their school supplies and odds and ends, parkas (we live in a cold climate so solid winter gear is a must).

Tonight I told him if he needs the cleats soon he’s going to have to buy them himself. He acted completely shocked and like I was being utterly ridiculous.

Am I? I feel bad. It’s just that we have paid a ridiculous amount for sports stuff in the past few years…wrestling camps, baseball camps, batting gloves, baseball gloves, cleats for two sports and wrestling shoes, the fees for three sports themselves, mouth guards etc, and everything has to be “the best”. As well as all this protein powder he thinks he needs and a gym membership that’s $50/month. DH grumbles about it but I have just always felt that this is what you do when you have kids, you pay for their passions and opportunities.

I can’t pay for the cleats right now regardless as I just do not have it, but AIBU to have him buy them? Should I pay him back for them later?

He’s our oldest so I’ve never dealt with any kind of teen/money stuff before.

I think it's unreasonable just to spring it on him without notice - how would he know to save for them unless you told him what his wages needed to cover? I think he needed more guidance and support - that's a lot of 'disposable' income for a youngish teen so not surprising that he has spent it.

You’re kind of moving the goalposts. You asked him to pay for his trip, not his usual sports equipment. He’s still a minor so I think you should pay, especially as you gave him no warning beforehand

I'd pay for the cleats, or pay him back if he pays, but I'd absolutely reinforce to him he will not be going on the band trip unless he saves towards it and pays his share.

It's tough because on some level he seems to think you'll just bail him out in the end for the trip and that's not the message you want to send!

I think you're being massively unfair. Hes 15 and at that age parents pay for the things that come with the sports they support their child on doing. You would pay if he didn't have a job.

I get it, it feels unfair that he has all this free spending money and you have bills to pay. He got that job to earn money for a trip, not to pay for his essential sportswear. FWIW it's entirely reasonable to buy budget and allow him to pay the rest for top of the range.

I'm sorry, i's just parent/child life. This is the only time he will have this time of his life.

But I think you should have an adult conversation along the lines of him knowing how hard it is to earn that money and you just dont have it right now so he will need to wait or accept basic equipment.

Ultimately I dont think at 15 he should be penalised for being immature or expected to pay for himself in the way an adult would.

While i think you're being a bit unfair to spring this on him, i do think that you might say "can you buy them from your savings, and I'll reimburse you next month when we have a bit more slack in the budget?"

And you say he hasn't been saving? You need to have a chat with him about this so that he doesn't have to cancel the trip. He's 15 and he must learn about these things, but he needs closer supervision from you at this age.

It doesn’t really feel unfair as such, I certainly do expect him to spend a lot of it on fun things since he’s just 15.

It’s just difficult as I really absolutely do not have it right now, and I asked him a few months back if he would need cleats this year. He said no, but we got our wires crossed as he thought I meant baseball.

I think most of my irritation stems from the fact that I did not know how much he was spending and I had repeatedly expressed that I wanted him to set the trip money aside first and foremost and then decide what to do with the rest, and he’s not done that.

It doesn’t feel unfair to me that he’s spending it while I’m paying bills, I meant, RealBecca. :) Of course I expect to be paying for the bills and I’m glad he’s had a good summer and bought fun things. I just wish that he had listened to what I said.

Right, and the part that’s making me really anxious is that we CANNOT cancel the trip. Because they pro-rate it based on the number of students going, once you’re in, you’re in.

So yes I think a serious chat is in order and going forward he’ll have to not spend on extras until the money for the trip has been set aside and verified by me and his dad.

Yes, and unfortunately we can’t back out of the trip, so if he doesn’t save the money, DH and I will be left holding the bag.

I’m attempting to help him look for budget friendly options he can get since he all of a sudden needs them by Monday (he told me he was good for the year, but thought I meant baseball cleats, so this is new information to me too 🤦‍♀️), but if he gets cheapies for practice I will purchase better ones in a few weeks for games.

The job was to pay for the trip. If he doesn’t save, he doesn’t get to go. That’s fair as that was the discussed. But it’s not fair that just because he has got a job, that he now has to pay for things he’d have needed anyway, not at 15.

He's 15 so job or not it's still your responsibility to pay for things the DC need. What constitutes a need will vary depending on your situation. If the cleats are for a school non optional activity they are a need. If they are for an optional activity then you can as a parent explain you unfortunately aren't in a position to pay for extras currently but all 3 DC need to be treated equally with regards to extra's. You made the rules clear about the trip so if he doesn't save half the money because he's wasted it that's down to him and he won't get to go - just remind him of that when he's bought something new.

He will get to go regardless as we are not allowed to back out. That feels frustrating to me as I feel like he knows that and isn’t taking it seriously.

I’m okay with paying for the cleats but I can’t do it now and didn’t know he needed them until today because he said he didn’t (through a misunderstanding).

Just seen the trip is now not something he can nog go on. On that case he needs to give you money each month that will cover the trip, no excuses, he hands it over when he’s gets paid. But you still need to buy other things he needs for football.

Is football played through his school? Do they not provide equipment for those unable to afford it? Or have a scheme to pay for it in instalments? Could you buy secondhand ones from an older teen who has left the team?

And he needs some lessons in saving money and being more organised! At 15 my son wasn’t the most organised but by 16/17, he was much better.

I’d ask him to buy them and tell him you’ll pay him back after payday. And then obviously do pay him back.
One trick I’d use with larger treat purchases (think things like Doc Marten boots which can be so desirable in the moment but then sit at the back of a cupboard) was to get DD to pay for it and then, if she wore/used whatever the treat was, then I’d pay her back.
Your DS needs to learn that he’s spending money wildly, though, so this could be a useful example of how he might need to start contributing.

Yes, right. Football is optional, and he gets far and away more “extras” then the other two because they are still little and don’t have so many activities. (I’m in the “fair doesn’t always mean equal” camp- he has more responsibilities etc but also gets later bedtimes, more freedom, more activities/funds because it’s what is fair for someone his age).

We cannot back out of the trip, so even if he doesn’t save the money, he still gets to go. Or he could stay behind on principle, but we would still have to pay.

@HesA10ButNothing
“he needs to give you money each month that will cover the trip, no excuses, he hands it over when he’s gets paid. But you still need to buy other things he needs for football.”
☝️This.

Has anyone actually taught him how to save?
He sounds like he’s getting carried away with earning some money and buying things that he really doesn’t need.

@CheerfulYank

its a tricky stage to navigate.

At 14/15 I would have helped him to set up a savings account and automatic transfer to it each time he was paid. At 14, only just 15 they're not all able to budget/plan/be that sensible

...but you didn't & you are where you are, so I'd ask him if he still wants to go on the trip & how he intends to save his half of it.. Would the remainder of his 'ice cream. ' job wages be enough? Or will he need more work?

if he can reasonably get another job (weekends/holidays etc) without it interfering with his schooling I'd tell him you'll buy the 'basic' sports equipment, but if he wants the 'best' he'll have to pay the difference. I'd tell him I'll buy x cleats, if he wants y cleats, he'll need to pay the difference. I'd tell him I haven't budgeted for them as HE said he didn't need them! But if he buys them now, I'll put the extra (of x cleats) into his half of the trip money.

& explain the him that when the younger siblings turn 15, it will be the same for them!!

Then step up, and get him to pay for this trip, by making sure he gives you a % of his wages.

As for the must go. I'd be happy to not let him go if he didn't contribute and sick it up.

Make it clear to him that he will not be going unless he pays X amount.

Tell him to sell a few unnecessary luxuries like baseball hats to pay for the cleats. He's got one more pay cheque left to get his school and sports supplies with.

Well now (and yes it’s 1:30 in the morning here but he was banging around upset and not going to bed) I told him he needed to put the garbage on the curb and then I heard him muttering through the window “this is your fucking fault anyway”. 🙄

So when he came back in I asked him “what is whose fucking fault, exactly?” To which he played dumb and said “…what…” while looking like he’d seen a ghost.

I said he knew very well what I meant and asked him to please clue me in as to what is whose fucking fault.

He said that I should have known he’d need cleats. I explained again that we’d gotten our wires crossed and I would help him with the cleats, I just can’t this week.

He demanded to know how we could “not have the money”. I asked him what about those words he doesn’t understand? I just don’t have it, the way he doesn’t have it.

He said FINE and stomped off to bed. I told him we’ll talk about it tomorrow.

I told him a bit before (in a Snapchat message because God forbid he come speak to me) that I wish things were different and I wish we could buy the three of them all the things they want, but right now that just isn’t the case and it’s okay to have to be patient and work for things.

I’m just tired. It’s been a very long day, made longer by the stair stomper 🙄 insuring that I come watch him at the gym for two hours because he isn’t allowed to work out alone.

Teens are damn hard, aren’t they? I’m never sure I’m getting any of it right.

I appreciate the advice and opinions and I’ll check back and let you know how it goes.

insisting

Yes, by “must go” I really mean “must pay”. We don’t have the option to not pay for it. So if he doesn’t save up his half, we could keep him home on principle but we could still have to pay for it.

And yes, starting next paycheck he will be handing over a good chunk of it until I have the trip money set aside in my own possession.