to make DS pay for his own cleats?

[CheerfulYank]

DS is newly 15 and has been working at an ice cream place this summer (we’re American so he is out of school from the end of May until the first week of September). It’s only open through Halloween so he just has a handful of paychecks left (if he doesn’t get another job through the winter, which he might as I think he’s gotten pretty used to spending money!)

The reason he got a job (most kids in his year haven’t yet) is that he wants to go on an expensive band trip next year. I told him he’d have to get a job and make half the money (or at least show that he was putting forth the effort) because we couldn’t afford to pay for the whole thing. He agreed and got the job.

The issue is, he’s saved nothing. He buys snacks and drinks almost daily, protein powder, bought a custom color baseball glove for $200, and has bought 4 or 5 hats that cost upwards of $50 apiece, as well as various other stuff (t-shirts, various teen boy stuff).

He came to me today and said he needs new cleats for football that’s just starting up. These cleats are anywhere from $100-$200 and I just don’t have it to spare this week, nor are we likely to in the next few weeks.

With school starting soon DH and I have got all three of them to buy for (he has a little brother and sister, 9 and 7), all of their school supplies and odds and ends, parkas (we live in a cold climate so solid winter gear is a must).

Tonight I told him if he needs the cleats soon he’s going to have to buy them himself. He acted completely shocked and like I was being utterly ridiculous.

Am I? I feel bad. It’s just that we have paid a ridiculous amount for sports stuff in the past few years…wrestling camps, baseball camps, batting gloves, baseball gloves, cleats for two sports and wrestling shoes, the fees for three sports themselves, mouth guards etc, and everything has to be “the best”. As well as all this protein powder he thinks he needs and a gym membership that’s $50/month. DH grumbles about it but I have just always felt that this is what you do when you have kids, you pay for their passions and opportunities.

I can’t pay for the cleats right now regardless as I just do not have it, but AIBU to have him buy them? Should I pay him back for them later?

He’s our oldest so I’ve never dealt with any kind of teen/money stuff before.

we would still have to pay for it, I meant.

I think you need to be firmer with the 'saving for the trip' Work out how many pay packets left, then divide the amount for the trip by the paypackets, and tell him that's the amount he needs to save out of each paypacket. Plus spending money. And offer to look after it for him.

Thanks :) Yes, it is going into a savings account, I just wasn’t aware of how much he had withdrawn from it.

He should be able to make enough before Halloween; it’s a fairly decent wage for a 15 year old.

You need to start taking his wages when he gets them and giving him back some of it after you've taken his contributions to the trip. Teenagers think money grows on trees, especially if they've always had it handed to them no questions asked. I'd be really cross about the lack of saving, although it's not abnormal for kids to run amok when they first start earning. Truthfully it would have been better to monitor what he was doing earlier.

I would say that since he's not fulfilled his side of the bargain and has left you footing the whole bill, that cost has to be reclaimed from somewhere, so it's coming out of the budget that would normally pay for his hobbies.

I set a budget for things (apologies cleats are studs? (boots)) and agree to pay up to a certain amount for things, so for example trainers I will pay for the cheapest branded pair but if they want a particular style they pay the difference.

Regards the trip, if he doesn't contribute I suggest he doesn't go. See if you can sell the space, or give the space away. It will be a hard lesson but at 15 he is old enough to understand consequences.

I did think of that, that I’d give the space to someone who couldn’t afford to go if I ended up paying for the whole of it.

But I think for now I’ll start insisting he give me a certain amount from every check until I have what is leftover to pay. Then if he does do the fundraisers later this fall and actually raises some money toward it, he can have the difference back.

And yes I think they’re just what you’d call football boots? We call them cleats here, and they’re a bit different since they’re for our football.

That sounds like a good idea, especially if he is doing s fundraiser as well. It is hard parenting teenagers and being a teenager, but I do think him working and learning about money now will set him up for life. Good luck with it all.

I understand why you're upset about it op! He's basically used the summer job to buy himself treats and not saved anything. And now it's almost the end. And now on top of the trip there is an additional cost. Can he buy the cleats or at least half the cost of them? And is there any scope for a weekend job? I bet he might be keen for another job since he's had a taste of having his own money.

I think the football boots are your responsibility.
I also think at 15, you should have made sure the money was being saved - you’ve sat back and watched it happen, his spending was very blatant.
You need to buy the boots - but he’ll have to wait.
And he needs to give you every pay cheque from now on.
And the fuck would I be sitting in a gym for 2 hours for him!

How much is a cheap pair of cleats? And how much for a just above basic serviceable pair?

He gets a LOT of things paid for by you - which I agree with you about doing, but I think it's perfectly fair that you only buy him a basic but serviceable level of equipment and if he wants the latest bestest flashy brand upgrade he can buy that out of his own money.

Why does he urgently need new cleats - have his feet grown out of them? Or are they a little worn but really could do another few weeks?

He has demonstrated that he doesn't understand how money works in the adult world and it's useful data to know exactly what he thinks about you and your role as endless ATM card, PA and manager 😉. I'd have a chat with him when he's calm the next day and re-establish his responsibilities - from now on if he is growing out of his equipment or if it's getting near the end of it's serviceable life, it's his job to let you know, and sooner rather than later as in the real world money needs to be budgeted and saved for irregular purchases, and it's not always available at the drop of a hat.

RE band camp it's absolutely non-negitiable that he hands over 50% of his paycheck the day he gets paid for your to keep safe towards the trip. Personally I'd make it 60%, because of making up for the complete lack of having saved anything from previous paychecks. He can buy whatever overpriced fashion and sweets he likes with the rest until it's gone.

Aw, OP, teenagers are hard.

I once made a spreadsheet for things one of my teenagers wanted and had agreed to save up a contribution for. It had become clear they weren't saving enough on a schedule to meet their part, so i did a quick spreadsheet to show various scenarios including me not giving my part - and we worked together on a savings plan that caused the least pain to them (in terms of missing a few outings with friends or new clothes/books) - but not no actual pain, they did suffer a bit from seeing friends go for pizza when they couldn't afford it.

it was a good lesson because they now budget carefully as a young adult.

It wasn’t very blatant; I wasn’t there when he spent it. I wasn’t until I saw the little that was left in the account and demanded he give me actual numbers on what he’d spent it on, that I found out exactly what he’d bought and how much it was.

Clearly we need to have a serious budgeting talk!

And yes the two hours in the gym are done as well. I appreciate he wants to work hard physically and advance in his sport, but the insurance at the school’s fitness center does not allow for under 16s to be alone and his father and I both have other things to do as well. So there will have to be compromises made there.

How much is the trip and how much does he earn in a week?

Can you buy second hand cleats?

The 100 can be a down payment to his trip. Then split whatever he still needs to save into monthly amounts and take it off him each payday. He will also need money whilst away get him to save this himself and tell him if he doesn’t you won’t be funding it. He is taking the piss. I actually showed my kids the monthly bills to get them to understand how much life costs… they were much better after that

There are loads of options:
Why does he need new ones?
Can he buy second hand?
He can sell unnecessary items to pay for them
He can take extra shifts or earn more money another way.

Going forward I would sit down with him with a spreadsheet and look at the finances of the trip, how much he will need to save each month etc. I think this could take some of the emotion out of it and he can see it in black and white. It's also a bit of a puzzle/game.

He could always sell some bits on ebay etc.

He’s been 14 for the majority of his earning and spending. Not many sports mad 14 yo boys would have the maturity and discipline to budget and save without help, guidance, supervision.

You saw the expensive stuff coming into the house (does a 14 yo have a debit card to be able to order online?) , it would have been a good idea to intervene early on. Tell him that as you and his Dad have had to commit to paying for the trip he needed to transfer xxx to you on each payday, maybe put xxx in savings, and suggest he budgets out his remaining spending money.

He did well to get a job and work through his holiday, but needed a lot more help.

I think you do need to pay for his ongoing needs, such as cleats, and address how he pays for the trip separately.

I believe he has $350 left but I’m not quite sure (I have the information somewhere but not close at the moment).

How much he is paid varies wildly because they’re flexible with his schedule (he just had a week off because he had a baseball tournament and has this upcoming Friday through Tuesday off because he’s going to be visiting his grandparents), but I would say on average he gets paid upwards of $250 to $400 every two weeks depending on how much he’s worked. So depending on his next few checks, he could have the trip money set aside in a month just paying half.

He goes back to school September 6th, and will have football practice every weekday after school as well as Thursday and Friday games, but will be able to do a few evening and weekend shifts until the end of the season.

I do see him wanting a winter job as well, since he seems to like those paychecks!

And yes the two hours in the gym are done as well. I appreciate he wants to work hard physically and advance in his sport, but the insurance at the school’s fitness center does not allow for under 16s to be alone and his father and I both have other things to do as well. So there will have to be compromises made there

I'd definitely be teaching about the Opportunity Cost to you in terms of the 2 hours you spend at the gym vs things that you would like to be doing. Not in a way that says you begrudge it (even if you do) but in a way that says "adults have to make choices/compromises" and now he's growing into adulthood he needs to start thinking about how to make those choices for himself, and how what he does impacts on future-him and present-family members.
Again - not to be mean, but because these are the things that my DCs have told me they appreciated learning (they see that their flatmates/friends are clueless about some things they do automatically)

You have mixed up issues. The issue about your son needing cleats is entirely separate to the fact that he hasn’t done well saving for the trip. They are two completely separate things and you can’t use a 15yo budgeting badly to justify you not providing things that a parent is supposed to provide.

Even if your son doesn’t save enough for the trip before it happens, there’s nothing stopping you making him pay it all back even if some of it has to come after the trip. Start helping him to budget and pay for the things that are your responsibility yourself.

I really didn’t see it. I guess I sort of registered that he would have a new tshirt here and there or a new hat, but I didn’t know he would have spent so much on them, plus he and his friends borrow each other’s things or trade shirts they don’t like etc so often that I really wasn’t aware. He has friends who are 16+ or have older siblings who are, so he has been riding to the mall with a group of them on some of his days off, so I wasn’t there to see him spend it.

When I asked about the savings I should have pressed harder, I know, because he would give me vague answers or what I now know must have been outright lies about his account balance. My husband has that information on his phone; I’m going to have to start checking it regularly as clearly he has not been.

I understand they are separate issues and that I should be providing them.

I’m saying that I literally do not have the money, unless I spend what DH will need for gas to get to work this week.

How much is the trip?