to make DS pay for his own cleats?

[CheerfulYank]

DS is newly 15 and has been working at an ice cream place this summer (we’re American so he is out of school from the end of May until the first week of September). It’s only open through Halloween so he just has a handful of paychecks left (if he doesn’t get another job through the winter, which he might as I think he’s gotten pretty used to spending money!)

The reason he got a job (most kids in his year haven’t yet) is that he wants to go on an expensive band trip next year. I told him he’d have to get a job and make half the money (or at least show that he was putting forth the effort) because we couldn’t afford to pay for the whole thing. He agreed and got the job.

The issue is, he’s saved nothing. He buys snacks and drinks almost daily, protein powder, bought a custom color baseball glove for $200, and has bought 4 or 5 hats that cost upwards of $50 apiece, as well as various other stuff (t-shirts, various teen boy stuff).

He came to me today and said he needs new cleats for football that’s just starting up. These cleats are anywhere from $100-$200 and I just don’t have it to spare this week, nor are we likely to in the next few weeks.

With school starting soon DH and I have got all three of them to buy for (he has a little brother and sister, 9 and 7), all of their school supplies and odds and ends, parkas (we live in a cold climate so solid winter gear is a must).

Tonight I told him if he needs the cleats soon he’s going to have to buy them himself. He acted completely shocked and like I was being utterly ridiculous.

Am I? I feel bad. It’s just that we have paid a ridiculous amount for sports stuff in the past few years…wrestling camps, baseball camps, batting gloves, baseball gloves, cleats for two sports and wrestling shoes, the fees for three sports themselves, mouth guards etc, and everything has to be “the best”. As well as all this protein powder he thinks he needs and a gym membership that’s $50/month. DH grumbles about it but I have just always felt that this is what you do when you have kids, you pay for their passions and opportunities.

I can’t pay for the cleats right now regardless as I just do not have it, but AIBU to have him buy them? Should I pay him back for them later?

He’s our oldest so I’ve never dealt with any kind of teen/money stuff before.

When I asked about the savings I should have pressed harder, I know, because he would give me vague answers or what I now know must have been outright lies about his account balance. My husband has that information on his phone; I’m going to have to start checking it regularly as clearly he has not been.

just spotted this OP. Why don't you just pass it over to your husband since he could have been monitoring it loosely all along?

It’s okay, you’re not being mean! :)

We have tried to have this talk with him (or sort of) many times because he is extremely reluctant to help out around the house yet wants us to drop everything and run to get what he needs or drive him someplace or whatever. Which is obviously totally normal for a teen!

I have two jobs, one as a liquor store clerk 4 days a week and one as a City Councilor, which varies wildly but is extremely time consuming. (I’m about a year and a half into my first term and tbh I think we’re all still adjusting!)

Anyway, late last winter I told him (well all the kids really, as well as DH 🙄) that I couldn’t do every single thing at home and still work that many days, so if they didn’t start helping out a bit I’d have to go down to three days at the liquor store and that would mean less fun little extras.

They said they’d help (obviously I’m not talking heavy duty stuff, just pet care and putting away laundry and whatnot), they didn’t, I went down to three days briefly and said “sorry, we don’t have the money for that” to a few fun things they wanted to do, and hey presto, they started being quite a bit more helpful.

It’s just such a fine line between wanting to teach responsibility and “he’s only a kid”, you know?

This is definitely on you for not telling how much he needed to give you each week towards the trip (you could have then used this for the cleats and put it back later on if needed).

My ds15 is working over the summer for the first time. We agreed before he started that each week 50% needed to go into a savings account so that he still has money once he’s back at school in Sept. Each week that’s what he’s done. Some weeks he has had other money left over so added that as well.

We are still providing anything we would have done pre-summer job. You can’t punish them for going out and working otherwise they might not bother next time.

When I said he has $350 left, I meant he has $350 left to pay on the trip.

Ah right- I thought you meant he had that left in his savings.

So he can earn that in the next fortnight and the holiday is paid off?

Because he’ll just say DS needs to pay for the cleats himself full stop and that’s the end of it.

He also wanted him to pay for the sports fees and other things too and I said no, that’s not on and we’re paying them.

DH isn’t overly harsh normally, he’s actually a giant pushover as he doesn’t do conflict, I’m the tough one lots of the time.

But he grew up on a dairy farm and got up every morning at 5 am to milk from the time he was 7 or 8 until he was 17. He wasn’t allowed to play sports or anything else in school past age 13 or so because he was needed on the farm. He never had trips away or birthday parties or anything like that 😞

So he and DS butt heads on a lot of things and he sees DS as spoiled and somewhat selfish, whereas I (who had to do much less than DS and barely graduated because I didn’t apply myself at all), see him as a basically good kid who is the normal amount of selfish for his age and want to give him the opportunities I can.

Which just unfortunately do not extend to cleats this week.

I think so- at least it’s close enough to the amount due that I’d be satisfied with it, and if any other costs do arise related to the trip, I’ll be willing to pay them with strict parameters of things he can do around the house or for his grandparents to earn it.

You need to buy the cleats (whatever they are). The job isn't to provide a back up funding source for when you've over spent.

Oh! I did forget that a chunk of his early money from when he started working in May went to a new phone.

He had a phone, I asked him to choose a case for it, he never did, and (you might see where this is going) it broke. 🤦‍♀️ I told him when he got the job that he could use some of this money to get a new phone if he wanted a fancier one than I was willing to provide, which he did.

So I guess he hasn’t spent it ALL on baseball hats.

So he’s worked al summer, nearly paid off a holiday, bought himself clothes and paid for a new phone. Isn’t that all good?! You can’t change the goal posts now.

Okay. However, I literally don’t have the money.

I could be wrong, and I apologize if I am, but I feel like you’re insinuating something by saying I’ve “overspent.”

I haven’t frittered away hundreds of thousands of dollars on mink stoles and diamond tiaras.

My husband lost his job a few years back (he’s now working again)and we were just beginning to claw our way back out of massive debt when COVID hit, which had a huge effect on our finances.

We owe thousands to the mortgage and the electric, we have three kids have been home for three solid months, which also affected our work schedules as it does all American parents every summer. Gas for DH to drive to 40 miles to work three days a week is insanity.

Now the start of school is just around the corner and they all have grown out of everything and need 8000 notebooks and pencils and folders and Kleenex and Lysol wipes and a vial full of unicorn tears or what have you 🤣 on top of sports fees for all three and the gym membership and DH’s appointments to the chiropractor that our insurance doesn’t cover and who knows what else.

It’s life and it costs money and that’s fine, but it bothers me to hear you say I’ve “overspent” when I’m doing the best that I can.

I think you are being unfair with this. He's 15 so still a child and he needs them for football. That's your responsibility.
But I definitely wouldn't be paying for his band trip next year. You made it clear that he would need to save part of the cost for you to also pay part of the cost but he hasn't, he's chosen to use his money for other things.

To add also that a 15 year old suddenly earning money - of course he's going to enjoy spending it! It's a parents responsibility to give him some financial education, budgeting advice, etc. How else will he learn?!

He hasn’t paid anything to the holiday so far because the first few installments had to be paid when he wasn’t working yet, so we paid them.

I am proud that he’s worked and that he bought his own phone and I already see him taking much better care of it than the previous one, so I think that’s been a good lesson in treating things well when you have some skin in the game!

He got the job because of the trip, yes, but we did say it would also pay for some extras here and there (movies etc) I guess it’s just whether or not cleats count as extra!

I found a good cheap pair on eBay but he said they won’t get here in time, so I’m going to have a look with him tomorrow and explain what I can pay now and what I can’t.

and then we’re going to discuss the trip savings!

Again, we do not have a choice about paying for the band trip.

Could you 'sell' your slot on the band trip to someone who didn't get a place.
To be honest doing sports that involve fees and expensive equipment plus doing music that involves an expensive camp trip it might be time to pick one hobby over another.
Sports or Band? Can't do both if you can't afford both.

I’m not sure, possibly. I think I’ll just insist he hands over a good portion of the next few checks until we have the money he needs for the trip, though.

And yes, I agree he needs to learn to make some choices. That will be part of our discussion tomorrow as well. :)

Very unfair to make a 15 year old pay. That's your responsibility as a parent.

I wouldn't be falling over myself to buy expensive cleats for someone with this attitude, tbh. He's 15, its his responsibility to tell you what he needs. You asked him, and he told you he didn't need them.

Id buy second hand or cheap cleats and if he wants expensive ones he can save up and buy them because he sounds really ungrateful.

I also think it was unfair if a place to say you've overspent.
Parents owe it to their kids to keep them clothed, fed and housed and to do their best, but this doesn't extend to buying expensive football boots when the money just isn't there! Parental finances are a finite resource.

Its astounding that if you're in that much trouble financially you're spending so much on extra curricular activities and on top of that, 50 a month for a child to go to the gym as well as multiple sports and he refuses to help out around the house without a row. Your son's attitude to you dropping everything to ferry him around, and buy him everything he wants right now or he's going to swear at you and stomp around - well i agree with your husband. He is spoilt. He doesn't appreciate just how privileged he is to be able to do all these extra activities. He doesn't sound as though he's at all grateful and he's treating you and your husband very disrespectfully.

Him ending up with no cleats is a very neat natural consequence to him not keeping on top of his own responsibility and telling you he needed some. I'm not sure why you're taking so much personal responsibility for the mix up. Don't you have enough to think about with two busy jobs and a household to run without double and triple checking that your son has actually told you the truth?

Of course cleats count as extra. Football is an optional extra, as is the gym. I dont even spend $50 per month on my gym and i earn my own money.

You've moved the goalposts very suddenly. The job was to pay for the trip (WHOLE other thing, I'll come to in a minute), NOT sports equipment he presumably needs.

That being said, I'd sit him down and pretty much say what you've said here. You just can't afford them at the moment. You could probably afford the "basic brand", but if he wants the best, he'll need to go halves with you.

As for the band trip... What's going to happen when he needs to put down a deposit/pay for this trip? And he's spent it all on teenage nonsense? Have you spoken to him about that? 15 year olds are all about the instant gratification of "buy it now" rather than "save it for X thing later", and he's still of an age of needing support to do that. If you haven't said, "what about the band trip?" lately, time to start.

I think you need to forget about that fact he is working and work out what you would have done about the problem if he wasn’t working.

I wouldn't be falling over myself to buy expensive cleats for someone with this attitude, tbh. He's 15, its his responsibility to tell you what he needs. You asked him, and he told you he didn't need them.

Notwithstanding the miscommunication between the fact that he's talking football and you're talking baseball - Cleats are the shoes, right? can he borrow some? get cheap ones? 2nd hand?

I think a good tactic here would be to say: well ask your dad. You know he will say either an outright "no" or he'll want your DS to work it off. Which is reasonable. TBH in not getting him to pull his weight at home, you're not doing any of you, least of all DS, any favours.

Can you pick up more hours to get the cleats? can DS? Then you will have to discuss what is going to fall by the wayside so that can happen.

Everything is shitty right now - the trip is a given, maybe other costly things have to fall by the wayside?