Can I give alcohol to this person?

[BeaAndTiscuits]

There's a young girl at my work who is 17. She will be turning 18 in 2 weeks.
Usually quite chatty, and up for a laugh but recently she has been very reserved. She's only worked with us for a few weeks and has the independent, I don't need anyone attitude.
I noticed she was quiet and asked if she was ok, she told me she was fine quite aggressively and that was it, I left it at that. Next shift she was still very reserved but I still tried to involve her in any conversations, she only gave one word answers and that was it. That evening she text me to apologise and said she had alot going on. I told her it was fine, she didn't need to apologise, but if she needed someone to talk to then she could message me any time.
A few days later she messaged saying she did need someone to talk to, so we exchanged some messages where she didn't really give alot of info but she needed to cut someone out as they were hurting her. I gave her some advice and offered some support, she said thanks and that was that. She was in today and talking about her birthday coming up, she said she doesn't care about birthdays and that she wasn't doing anything and no family to give her any gifts, she then told me she was in care. She also has an operation coming up. We talked about what she does outside of work, she didn't give much but she said she has one friend and that she'll sometimes have some drinks with her. This evening she's text again saying thank you to me for caring about her and that she doesn't have many people who care.

I wanted to get her something, to put in her locker for her birthday. It's her 18th and I feel like she's never really had anyone throughout her life, she said she likes vodka so I thought I could get her a small quarter bottle and some chocolate. Would this be inappropriate? I go on holiday on Friday, so I'd have to leave it at work for her which means she'd get it before actually turning 18. I don't know much else about her as she's a very closed book, and with only having tomorrow to get something, it's all I could think. Or any suggestions of something else I could get quickly? Thank you.

Look, if she drinks vodka that means she can source vodka.

Just get her a box of chocolates or some bubble bath and stop telling her life story on a public forum, because if she ever stumbles across this she'll really feel as though you've let her down.

@ToGanymedeAndTitan thank you, I appreciate it. Yeah I'll stay clear of alcohol, that wasn't my best idea, I didn't think it through enough.

Thanks everyone, whatever your opinion on me and the post I appreciate the input, helps to see other perspectives.

@TeapotTitties you're right. It was a bad move. Hopefully she doesn't and I'll learn from this too.

@TeapotTitties the OP hasn't given any identifying details, and even if for some reason they did see this thread all they'd see is someone asking for advice/ideas on something to get them for a birthday present.

I would get her the little miniatures and some chocolates and tbh she will love it i grow up in care so understand her struggles also its not illegal to drink under 18 just to buy I was arrested at 14 for a crap reason but had a bag full of unopened alcohol and the police returned it to me as it was not breaking any laws haha, you are a lovely thoughtful person 😊

A card is a lovely thought and will be more than enough from a new friendly colleague.

It says you care but doesn’t create any complications or big gestures. She might even feel obliged to get you something back otherwise. Who knows. so keep it simple. But get the no 18 badge 😉

If the workplace is friendly, make it from the workplace. Feeling part of a friendly team and being valued at work is also really nice, even if relationships stay more professional and less personal. Don’t feel you have to rescue her that’s about you, not necessarily about her needs. Just go slowly.

@Bubblesandsqueak1 thank you! I appreciate your comment.

@MustardCress you're right! A card will probably do. Sometimes I probably do "over do" things when a simple gesture would have the same effect.
There are some other work colleagues who have mentioned they've noticed a change in her, and they were concerned. Generally we're all nice people who like to look out for eachother at the work, so I'll get everyone to sign it.

A card is a lovely thought and will be more than enough from a new friendly colleague.
That's also true, a nice card will be enough, and can't be overthought by anyone either 😁
Agree on an 18th badge to go with too.
Enough to show you're thinking of her and wishing her a happy birthday without going overboard.
It'll be appreciated

@mustardcress talks sense 😁

get her a card and chocolates or something small like a candle etc. and ignore @TeapotTitties who’s being a knob for reasons known only to herself

I think a box of chocolates and a card signed by all your colleagues is a lovely idea. Just from you, it maybe gives an impression of closeness that may or may not be healthy for her in the long term. A card from multiple people to show that someone is thinking about her on her birthday is a lovely gesture, without blurring any lines

Absolutely, a card with some chocolates is perfect. It’s lovely of you to care op.

🌺🌺🌺

Don’t let a few people on social media forums make you feel bad for doing something nice. Get her a gift for goodness sake, a simple box of chocs, some smellies, whatever, it’s the thought that counts. Agree avoid booze, but your other ideas were fine.

It’s not weird to buy a gift for, or care about, another person.

I have issues with some social norms

You specifically asked if you could do this. So you knew it was a risk. You don't have an 'issue with social norms', here. You have an issue with listening to your own instincts.

You had the instinct; why do you need MN to back it up for you?

A card (with badge) if everyone is signing it, perhaps a cake with an 18 candle would be a nice gesture.

You had the instinct; why do you need MN to back it up for you?
Why do people need MN for anything?!
If we did away with people asking for advice/what they thought of so and so problem then AIBU and Chat would suddenly cease to exist 😁

God some people on here are miserable arse holes.

OP, you are getting an unnecessarily hard time time. You don't sound over invested, you sound kind and thoughtful, and cautious for good reason.

I wouldn't get straight vodka, it could he harmful in large quantities for a young, inexperienced and vulnerable person. But alcohol is often given as an 18th present so it want a wild crazy idea!

What about a few mini cans of spirit + mixers, with some chocolate and bath stuff? It's a grown up/adult present that recognises she's turning 18 but not ott on the alcohol content.

so I work with great coworkers. I would do a card, and mabye a not expensive box of chocolates. That says "I care" but Im not trying to be your new best friend!

If she is a care leaver I would get her some nice toiletries or some chocolate

You don't give alcohol to someone you know is in a bad place and struggling unless you're on the sideline hoping to catch some drama. Some people get suicidal when drunk so I wouldnt gift alcohol unless I know the person well (that they drink) and that they are in a happy place in their life.
I would just give non alcoholic chocolate and a card.
You posted too much about her life, I hope she doesn't find this thread. Maybe ask for it to be deleted.

A teenager who has worked with you for a mere few weeks seems suddenly depressed/out of sorts so your first instinct is to give them hard liquor?

Yeah, na mate that sounds like an awful idea & question that judgement.

You have alluded to being non- neurotypical by stating that you don't understand some social norms, which makes sense in this situation.

Recommend you toughen up here - it's not wise to let people's life tales of woe make you go overboard with kindness & sympathy, especially when it comes to monetary gifts.

People with that mindset are susceptible to being exploited by others.

You don't know this person & if any of what they are saying is actually true.

Being kind to them should be more than enough, you don't need to buy them presents & go overboard.

Unless everyone at work is chipping in for a gift do not buy them a personal gift from you. It's 1) weird 2) creepy 3) unnecessary

You sounds older & this is a young colleague. In the interests of your job it's best to keep a pleasant but professional distance.

The last thing you need is her making a complaint about you because you've gone overboard with a gift & creeped her out.

What you could do is mention to the office that it's her 18th & get everyone to sign a card. This way its the whole office giving a card & gift of chocs. Takes the pressure off you filling the 'caring role' while you're still being nice.

why alcohol? She’s struggling, alcohol is not the answer.

I think that's a nice idea. Not vodka but one of those little bottles of champagne maybe as it's her 18th?

Well done for being decent, caring human being, that's obviously too much of a stretch for some people to wrap their heads round. Doesn't mean you are over invested at all. Girls obviously had a shit time, 'care' is absolutely awful (how it's even called 'care' is a joke).

That being said I, thought you were going to say a bottle of prosecco or champagne which may be more appropriate along with a card and some chocolates.