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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH wants to meet up with DS of ex

70 replies

MBMBN · 10/08/2022 21:20

My DH, had a relationship 15 yrs ago that lasted just over a yr. He was going through a messy divorce. We have been together for 13 yrs, married for 5.
He has been divorced for 7 yrs. No infidelity throughout. Complex though!

Whilst in this relationship, not the marriage, he made some promises to the mother, a single parent, that he would always look after her son, who was 3 at the time. The relationship ended not long after. He is now 17/18 and she is now in contact saying that he really wants to meet you, can he come over and spend time with you.

She knows he is now married, with DGC. Her email does not acknowledge this, just says that her DS has heard so much about him and would really like to meet up.

This evening he said that he is going to email her tomorrow and arrange a meet with her DS.

DH is not tech savvy, I do all of that, he has had a successful career, recently retired due to health, I am taking over a lot of the day to day running of our lives, things he used to do, there is no way this is going to happen without my involvement and I seem to be an
afterthought all of them,

There hasn't been a lot of contact but after 3-4 emails it seems to be something he can't let go of and I know she will be in contact soon. She said she will contact him in August.

I want nothing to do with it, AIBU?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/08/2022 21:23

Is she after money?

If he had a job he can manage picking up or answering the phone. No need for him to involve you at all, make it clear you won’t be if you don’t want to be.

It sounds weird. Be wary.

Gazelda · 10/08/2022 21:24

MBMBN · 10/08/2022 21:20

My DH, had a relationship 15 yrs ago that lasted just over a yr. He was going through a messy divorce. We have been together for 13 yrs, married for 5.
He has been divorced for 7 yrs. No infidelity throughout. Complex though!

Whilst in this relationship, not the marriage, he made some promises to the mother, a single parent, that he would always look after her son, who was 3 at the time. The relationship ended not long after. He is now 17/18 and she is now in contact saying that he really wants to meet you, can he come over and spend time with you.

She knows he is now married, with DGC. Her email does not acknowledge this, just says that her DS has heard so much about him and would really like to meet up.

This evening he said that he is going to email her tomorrow and arrange a meet with her DS.

DH is not tech savvy, I do all of that, he has had a successful career, recently retired due to health, I am taking over a lot of the day to day running of our lives, things he used to do, there is no way this is going to happen without my involvement and I seem to be an
afterthought all of them,

There hasn't been a lot of contact but after 3-4 emails it seems to be something he can't let go of and I know she will be in contact soon. She said she will contact him in August.

I want nothing to do with it, AIBU?

I think it's fair that you want nothing to do with it. But I don't understand why you think you are involved in any way? What has his tech abilities got to do with it? Is he asking you to send the email or make the arrangements?

I'd just let him get on with the meet up as though he we're meeting a long lost friend.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/08/2022 21:28

This is absurd and I would be very suspect. Your husband should not meet this young man and he should block this ex.

1FootInTheRave · 10/08/2022 21:30

This is weird.

MimiSunshine · 10/08/2022 21:30

I would be wary of the motivations.

It was a relationship from 15 years ago.
it lasted 1 year.
The ex’s son was 3/4 years old at the time and wouldn’t remember your DH
but he’s apparently heard loads about your DH and wants to meet him?!

Why would the ex have carried on telling her son all about an ex from a brief relationship?

i would 100% be expecting a tale of wow to follow and a ‘if only there was some way I could afford the college course / driving lessons, my life / career would be so much better’ or some such other thing that involved money.

Original poster
MBMBN · 10/08/2022 21:30

I will say little about that for now, more later, would like to hear more responses, but thank you for your response.

I did not consider that. She emailed, she has his mobile. She has not called, just emailed. Never asked about us, me, DSD and lovely DGC.

Just when can her DS come and see him.

OP posts:
MimiSunshine · 10/08/2022 21:31

tale of woe

lunar1 · 10/08/2022 21:32

Maybe her ds has memories of that year and wants to connect some of the dots in his life.

bloodyunicorns · 10/08/2022 21:33

So he promised his ex that he'd look after her 3yo but he hasn't seen the kid since, and now he is 17???

Your dh needs to start using social media/doing his own contacting, and leaving you out of it.

I'd be wary - the kid probably wants money.

clickychicky · 10/08/2022 21:35

Sounds really really weird. Maybe she's going to drop the bombshell that he's his kid. Why would he be so keen to meet him otherwise.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 10/08/2022 21:35

What on earth must she have been saying to her son about your DH for all these years? Wouldn’t most mums stop talking to a 3/4 year old about a boyfriend she’d split up with? Does this boy think your DH is his dad?

Original poster
MBMBN · 10/08/2022 21:37

'I think it's fair that you want nothing to do with it. But I don't understand why you think you are involved in any way? What has his tech abilities got to do with it? Is he asking you to send the email or make the arrangements?

I'd just let him get on with the meet up as though he we're meeting a long lost friend.'

For this to happen I would need to be involved, my husband is quite a bit older than me - tech skills- and his health is not that great. If I am not involved this will not happen. I love him dearly and will not be cruel to him. If he really needs to do this I will assist him but I am a bit suspect of her motives as the 1st response suggested.

OP posts:
Becky6758 · 10/08/2022 21:39

This is odd. Very odd. This child isn’t a relation and he wouldn’t even remember your DH.

I wouldn’t be happy with them meeting and would be telling DH as such.

I would probably delete the email without telling my DH in august or I’d meet up…. With both of you there.

Original poster
MBMBN · 10/08/2022 21:42

'What on earth must she have been saying to her son about your DH for all these years? Wouldn’t most mums stop talking to a 3/4 year old about a boyfriend she’d split up with? Does this boy think your DH is his dad?'

I totally agree with this and this is what I have said.

Most of us had past relationships and in healthy relationships with our teen/ grown up children we might share stories, offer words of wisdom but he really has not had any contact with her/ her DS for 15 years.

What has she been telling her DS?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/08/2022 21:45

What has she been telling her DS?

I can't even imagine, and the bigger question is WHY has she been talking about him for 15 YEARS. Their relationship was a blip on the radar.

Everything about this doesn't come close to passing the smell test and it has "mistake" written all over it. I would really question my husband's judgement if he met with this boy.

MuddlerInLaw · 10/08/2022 21:47

Unless your husband were actually the boy’s father there’s no good reason why his mother would have continued talking to him about a brief relationship she had a decade and a half ago. And absolutely no reason why the boy would give a toss about meeting your husband again.

It may well be that she has taken what your husband apparently said to mean “you can rely on me if you ever need help with your son”. At 17/18 it may be he needs moral or financial support for his next step - or it may be that he’s ‘fallen in with the wrong crowd’ and his mother doesn’t have anyone else to call on.

I don’t believe for a second that your husband can’t manage the communication element of this - but in your situation I’d be keen to have continuous oversight of the situation. (And to double check all your shared finances / assets / Wills …)

Emmelina · 10/08/2022 21:50

That’s very odd. If he hasn’t seen the boy since 3/4 years old, it’s highly unlikely he has remembered your DH on his own.

Is there a possibility he could actually be the kid’s dad?

Minimalme · 10/08/2022 21:52

This is really, really odd.

Firstly, your dh presumably hasn't met this child since he split up with his Mother?

He is nearly an adult and suddenly, dh and his ex are planning a reunion. Why?!

Either you dh is vulnerable and they are planning to extort money or there is some kind of history between the three of them that you don't know about.

Otherwise is makes absolutely no sense.

Jibbajabba1 · 10/08/2022 21:55

Sounds really odd - I’d be very weary

Jibbajabba1 · 10/08/2022 21:56

*wary

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 10/08/2022 21:56

That’s really weird. He should have shut her down immediately

SavingsThreads · 10/08/2022 21:58

Your dh can't be much older than 70 max right? If 15yo he was dating someone with a 3yo?

bloodyunicorns · 10/08/2022 22:02

Op, what you said:

he made some promises to the mother, a single parent, that he would always look after her son, who was 3 at the time.

So why didn't he?

How old is your dp?

RainyDays22 · 10/08/2022 22:04

Are you sure he's not the dad?

clickychicky · 10/08/2022 22:05

Is he a big cheese who would be easy to find on the Internet? I'm wondering if she's after money tbh. That or her son is his son.