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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH wants to meet up with DS of ex

70 replies

MBMBN · 10/08/2022 21:20

My DH, had a relationship 15 yrs ago that lasted just over a yr. He was going through a messy divorce. We have been together for 13 yrs, married for 5.
He has been divorced for 7 yrs. No infidelity throughout. Complex though!

Whilst in this relationship, not the marriage, he made some promises to the mother, a single parent, that he would always look after her son, who was 3 at the time. The relationship ended not long after. He is now 17/18 and she is now in contact saying that he really wants to meet you, can he come over and spend time with you.

She knows he is now married, with DGC. Her email does not acknowledge this, just says that her DS has heard so much about him and would really like to meet up.

This evening he said that he is going to email her tomorrow and arrange a meet with her DS.

DH is not tech savvy, I do all of that, he has had a successful career, recently retired due to health, I am taking over a lot of the day to day running of our lives, things he used to do, there is no way this is going to happen without my involvement and I seem to be an
afterthought all of them,

There hasn't been a lot of contact but after 3-4 emails it seems to be something he can't let go of and I know she will be in contact soon. She said she will contact him in August.

I want nothing to do with it, AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
MBMBN · 10/08/2022 22:09

We live in different countries, always have so there has been no contact. He is not the father, racially impossible.

My DH has had a stroke, therefore cognitive problems with tech. He is making a brilliant recovery.

DH is just too nice! And she has fed her DS on stories of his niceness. As soon as he received 1st email just before lockdown, she was all raring to go that DS was going to come over and spend a few days with DH, no mention of me.

They have not had contact since the end of brief relationship. My DH has been honest with me, when he told me I asked but why would you make such promises to someone so quickly??

He is naive, naivety that has now come to haunt us.

Her DS is not in contact with his father.

DH has contact with her about 8 years ago when he returned some personal thing of hers. Then silence until 2019 and then again early 2022 and promise Ema in August.

I think DH is experiencing anxiety as we are in the middle of August

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/08/2022 22:10

I'm wondering why he would have said something so ridiculous as to he'd "always look after" this child who is not his from such an insignificant relationship. Everything about this is just weird.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/08/2022 22:11

Your husband needs to block both of them completely.

Stripedbag101 · 10/08/2022 22:20

I am confused by the times lines - you say he is married not with grandchildren. The grandchildren are from his first marriage?

so presumably he has children when he has this relationship? Did they live together - did your step children spend time with this boy? Does he have family photos that include your husband and his children?

why did your husband make promises about his role on this child’s life that he had no intention of keeping?

Jobsharenightmare · 10/08/2022 22:21

How strange. I wonder what your husband's motivation is here? Why hasn't he just said I think it would be odd for me to start a relationship with a young adult I knew when they were three?

Jobsharenightmare · 10/08/2022 22:22

why did your husband make promises about his role on this child’s life that he had no intention of keeping?

^ that's like asking people who are divorced why they promised forever. Life happens. He was with the mother for a year.

Original poster
MBMBN · 10/08/2022 22:24

DGC are his DSGC, he has been with them since they're birth, he has no bio DC.

OP posts:
Lochroy · 10/08/2022 22:25

How. Unusual.

Surely it's not hard for anyone to see a lot of time has passed and what was once said isn't a promise for life. Can't you just say 'sorry, his health isn't up to it' and that be it.

Original poster
MBMBN · 10/08/2022 22:27

He had a long abusive marriage. He was not the perpetrator.

OP posts:
MuddlerInLaw · 10/08/2022 22:31

I’m sorry about your husband’s stroke - but it definitely puts him in the ‘vulnerable’ category. If he insists on meeting this boy please make sure you’re in the room the whole time. And be vigilant about documents and your husband’s Will - as I said before.

I’m wondering if they want your husband to sponsor the boy for immigration purposes. Might that be relevant / possible?

Original poster
MBMBN · 10/08/2022 22:35

We, me and DH are talking about all of this now as I write . He does not know I'm on MN.

This has happened over a long period of time. It is fascinating!

He is a lovely, screwed up man.

He is a successful man, I do personally think that she is after money.

He is full of guilt.

I think he made promises based his success and he feels guilty.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 10/08/2022 22:36

Hmm that's odd. Did your DH have a lot of money back then? I wonder if this is a long con.

Original poster
MBMBN · 10/08/2022 22:37

This is the problem. I know he is vulnerable.
That is why he cannot do this without me.
He emailed that he had had a stroke. That is when she emailed and said she would email him in August, that is why he is anxious.

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 10/08/2022 22:39

From your updates, I am wondering if she wants her son to get the chance to spend time in the country you and your DH now live in. Or the son himself wants to. It's not an inexplicable or necessarily unreasonable desire, but it is quite a lot to ask of the two of you. How long would you be hosting the boy for? And would you be funding his travel costs?

If it's just the son travelling over and not his mom then I doubt it is her trying to get back with your husband (obviously you never know for sure). Tho my ex did have an ex who used to ask him for spurious advice about her son in order to keep in touch with him (I think - certainly after he and I broke up he told me the ex asked him to go away with her, so.....). My ex loved it because he liked the attention of her fancying him and liked to see himself as a fount of all knowledge.... But he was a tosser - your DH sounds decent from everything you say.

If I were you I would probably go along with having the lad over if your husband wants to and you feel you can handle the stress/pressure of having an unknown 17 year old boy staying. But if that is too much for you with caring for your DH too etc etc then I think you will have to explain that to him - hopefully he will understand.

Stripedbag101 · 10/08/2022 22:41

Jobsharenightmare · 10/08/2022 22:22

why did your husband make promises about his role on this child’s life that he had no intention of keeping?

^ that's like asking people who are divorced why they promised forever. Life happens. He was with the mother for a year.

its not the same has a marriage vow. He didn’t martyr the mother but he made empty promises about his role in the child’s life. People dating for a year don’t usually promise they will take care of their boyfriend or girlfriends child for the rest of their lives! What does this mean? Pay for college? Help to get a job?

It makes me uncomfortable- what I presume was a much older man promising this single mother with a three year old child that he would always look after the child. I maybe wrong - but did he make these
promises to win favour with the mother - love bombing her. I wonder was there a wealth imbalance.

EmergencyHepNeeded · 10/08/2022 22:41

Are they from a very poor country?

Aquamarine1029 · 10/08/2022 22:46

That is why he cannot do this without me.

Given your husband's questionable judgement, this is why you should stop the debate, put your foot down, and say absolutely NOT. Encourage him strongly into blocking these people. There's is no reason he should be communicating with them and anyone with sense would be suspect of their motives.

If your husband wants to go visit this kid, on his own, fine, but having him stay in your home? No way. That's absurd.

WhenPushComesToShove · 10/08/2022 22:47

This is her excuse to re-establish contact. Why would he want to reconnect with a kid that he hardly knows after such a long time. Probably flattered I expect....

expat101 · 10/08/2022 22:50

If this woman wanted her son to continue a relationship with your DH, why did she not encourage this all along? Why the contact now?

Personally I think you should stay very involved and be on guard for both your sakes. I'm sure there is a going to be a sob story how she cannot afford whatever it is she wants for him, and she will be angling at a donation from your DH. The fact she doesn't even ask after his loved ones is pretty telling what sort of person she is...

WhippedSoap · 10/08/2022 22:51

No way should your DH be meeting up with a 17yo boy.

This situation has disaster written all over it!

Just block them, done. No more anxiety waiting for her to make contact. Email and say that you've decided it's best not to revisit the past and block!

MsBallen · 10/08/2022 22:54

This story gets weirder and weirder

MuddlerInLaw · 10/08/2022 22:57

I’m afraid it’s possible that, armed with the news of your husband’s stroke, the boy’s mother anticipates that your husband will die quite soon.

In her mind “I will always look after …” might mean “I will make sure he inherits a sizeable portion of everything I possess”. Which would explain why she is not acknowledging your existence. Be very careful.

Enough4me · 10/08/2022 22:58

She wants contact now your DH is in poor health to remind him that he owes her son (her) money. He doesn't and it's a scam.
I'd say no further contact and I won't support this.

Livelovebehappy · 10/08/2022 22:59

I wouldn’t be surprised if it turns out he is the father and has hidden it from you. He was in the relationship just after the end of his marriage. Maybe she was with him whilst he was still married, and the boy was born before he was officially separated, so it was covered up at the time, and he has carried the secret with him ever since.

Schtuck · 10/08/2022 22:59

None of this feels right.

I would say no and use the stroke as the reason if you feel you need to give one.