My DH wants to meet up with DS of ex

[MBMBN]

My DH, had a relationship 15 yrs ago that lasted just over a yr. He was going through a messy divorce. We have been together for 13 yrs, married for 5.
He has been divorced for 7 yrs. No infidelity throughout. Complex though!

Whilst in this relationship, not the marriage, he made some promises to the mother, a single parent, that he would always look after her son, who was 3 at the time. The relationship ended not long after. He is now 17/18 and she is now in contact saying that he really wants to meet you, can he come over and spend time with you.

She knows he is now married, with DGC. Her email does not acknowledge this, just says that her DS has heard so much about him and would really like to meet up.

This evening he said that he is going to email her tomorrow and arrange a meet with her DS.

DH is not tech savvy, I do all of that, he has had a successful career, recently retired due to health, I am taking over a lot of the day to day running of our lives, things he used to do, there is no way this is going to happen without my involvement and I seem to be an
afterthought all of them,

There hasn't been a lot of contact but after 3-4 emails it seems to be something he can't let go of and I know she will be in contact soon. She said she will contact him in August.

I want nothing to do with it, AIBU?

This is so complex as to seem unbelievable doesn't it?

She lives/ was born in a wealthy European country

She is degree level educated n the 'Arts'

We are educated people.

DH said he is going to email her tomorrow to arrange a lunch date.

Of course DH will pay all travel costs.

I said that I will not be involved if her DS comes she has to come and meet DH with DS and spend the whole time with them.

DH has now back tracked and because we are taking about it and he can see that I am a bit distressed and said he will not email/meet. But the fact that he brought it up this evening means he obvious wants too.

BUT... I do feel that DH is vulnerable and despite him telling her that he has had stroke she hasn't shown much concern about that.

I don't know, lockdowns and a stroke has deprived him and so many others of what we had before.

Maybe that's an area of a future thread - the impact of feelings of guilt in your life. He feels guilty for making rash promises in another time of his life.

I do also feel for the young person, these people made promises and then his mother fed him the narrative and he wants a part of their naive romance and he my DH is married to a realist.

Being "educated people", it's remarkable that either of you are even considering meeting this boy, that you both don't immediately appreciate how bizarre, inappropriate and suspicious this request is. Block them and move beyond this.

He's open to not meeting. Grab this now and agree it's a crazy idea and prevent additional stress later.

Your husband had a brief relationship with a woman who had a toddler age son.This was 15 years ago and now the son wants to meet up?
There must be some hidden agenda to this. The son who’s now 17/18 wont have any memories of your husband.

Why’s your husband entertaining this idea? He doesn’t owe the ex or her son anything in the nicest possible way.

I’d also add I wouldn’t be allowing the boy to stay in my house. He’s not really anything to do with your husband and most certainly isn’t anything to do with you OP.

^THIS^ Encourage him not to meet them. There is something fishy going on and it stinks.

Thank you all for your post's

You have all confirmed what I certainly know and feel and what DH knows and feels.

I feel that a Lot of what it is to be a parent is a level of damage limitation.

The young person in this scenario stands to be damaged further if DH meets up with him. DH is recovering from a stroke, he is doing really well. He is a kind and generous man. He is 74 by the way and I am 52. Big age gap but it works.

We will continue to talk about this.

I will update, if she makes contact.

This must be a money thing - I would advise him not to meet this DS of his ex. It’s been too long to suddenly have a vested interest.

Are you in the UK? Are they in a country where UK residency might be beneficial? Or UK college/Uni education? Maybe ex gf thinks your DH would make a good sponsor for her son?

I can understand your hesitance in being 'involved' with this possible meeting, but if my DH were as vulnerable as your DH seems to be, I'd be sticking to him like a limpet during ANY meeting with this young man!

It could be completely innocent and the mother has deceived this young man as to what your DH may be to him or do for him, or they both may be equally predatory, but I'd want to see and know for myself. And be in a position to head off any emotional 'blackmail' or importuning for money. Or worse yet, a 'here I am' expecting him (and you) to provide a home or support for him.

I know he's tech challenged, but with your help your DH should be able to manage video chat. Before anyone agrees to paying for this young man to fly over, I'd insist that my DH have a few video chats first. If they won't agree to that, then I'd be doubly suspicious.

Why should DH pay their travel expenses? They are the ones initiating the visit. OP I would intervene, say he is not well enough for visitors and sends them his best wishes.

The whole thing is strange. If there were some reason, like the son is thinking of going into the same specialist field as your husband, or he's interested in applying to a uni near you, then maybe it would be plausible that the mother mentioned an old friend who does that work/lives in that city and the son latched onto it. Otherwise, how do they know they have anything in common? Can they speak on the phone rather than meeting up right away? I'd also worry that the son might not understand how limited your husband's activities will be because of the stroke.

The other country aspect is odd too, unless it's just a case or driving across a border. If the son has to fly to you, it's very odd that he'd come just for lunch, but also very odd if he stayed longer, unless he also has another reason to want to be in your location.

I would suspect, if the ex-gf has heard about your DH's health problems, and there has been no contact in between, she has sent the son to sniff about in hopes of getting an inheritance soon.

You say your DH is wealthy and has no bio kids. Probably relevant.

If either of them actually cared about your DH there would have been contact before now. The whole thing is weird and suspicious and I would be objecting as you are.

The mother definitely wants something. Avoid at all costs!

Thank you for your posts. Everything you have said is so true and relevant. Everything!

My DH does have an internet profile, her DS has obviously seen it and with what ex has told him thought he could just walk into DHs life.

I actually don't think it was exs doing, she has moved on, I believe it is her DS pushing to meet.

During their emails ex is always vague, no real info about her DS, how he has done at school, what his interests are, what he wants to do in life.

She actually asked if he could come and stay with DH for a few days. This was all before she knew he'd had stroke. Since then she said she'd contact us this month.

Spoke to husband again, he agrees it would be wrong to meet with the young one. I have said that I think it will come up again. DH is feeling guilty because he made a rash promise.

It all weird.

Name change fail, or do you have loads of accounts?

I wouldn’t want them to meet up either as it will open a can of worms I bet. Once they’ve met, the boy and his mum will be pushing for a next time and you won’t be able to get rid. Best to keep boundaries up from the get go. I’d be wary about what the mum and her son want out of this. It’s not like one of those situations where a father and child reconnect and are trying to build a relationship.

It’s really weird. They’re nothing to each other but it’s being made out they are long lost family to each other. He wasn’t even a significant stepdad figure that was around for a long time. Just mum’s ex boyfriend/barely even husband. Years and years down the line that makes them complete strangers.

Why would a 17/18 year old teenager want to meet some old guy his mother date for a year when he was 3 years old? That's weird as fuck, also why would your DH want to meet this kid as well? all sounds very odd

Another vote for block them, including on his mobile.

Zombie thread, I know, but I've somehow come across this on 'trending' and was wondering what happened in the end? Hope you and your dh are doing well OP.