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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want too see MIL anymore?

74 replies

Mumnetter1234 · 10/08/2022 18:32

Baby due soon. And whilst at a dinner round MIL’s it came up in conversation where I mentioned I had made the choice not to breastfeed. And since then MIL has not stopped making little comments about it all the time. And it’s really starting to get on my nerves. I know she’s just trying to help but the constant “advice” of her showing me pumps I should buy and getting me breastfeeding books she’s gifted me is really making me want to distance from her. I’m just worried what’s going to happen when baby is actually here if she’s going to continue with all the “subtle tips.” Am I overreacting and should I just continue with the smile and ignore tactic? Would really appreciate all perspectives from MIL’s and mums who have been in my boat.
TIA

OP posts:
Littlemissprosecco · 10/08/2022 18:35

It’s your baby, it’s your decision.
smile sweetly and say “ I really don’t need that book, maybe you could get a refund!!

Iwonder08 · 10/08/2022 19:13

Don't be subtle. I would say ' MIL I know you are trying to help, but I have told you I made my decision so please drop the subject'

Brigante9 · 10/08/2022 19:22

Be brutal. You’ve told her and she’s ignored you. Time to be very straight with her.

billy1966 · 10/08/2022 19:22

Iwonder08 · 10/08/2022 19:13

Don't be subtle. I would say ' MIL I know you are trying to help, but I have told you I made my decision so please drop the subject'

This.

If she continues you just tell her straight.
"I have told you my choice and you are continuing to push bf, despite me being clear. I really will not want to be around you if you are intent on annoying me".

Big firm smile with eye contact.
Tell your husband you don't want to be around her until she finds her manners.

Whether you breastfeed or not has fxck all to do with ANYONE, including your husband.

It is solely YOUR choice.

Start backing away from the woman anyway IMO.

That she is so rude to do this is an indicator of whats ahead.

You need to find your cool frosty demeanor or she could spoil your early months with the baby with her twittering interference.

If you want advice you will ask for it.

BeanieTeen · 10/08/2022 19:26

She’s completely out of line. As above - don’t be subtle. Tell her she needs to stop with this, it is rude, disrespectful and inappropriate.

Holly60 · 11/08/2022 18:44

It is 100% your choice. The only thing I would say is, is it possible you might change your mind when baby is here?

I know women who thought they weren't going to breast feed but when presented with their newborn, had the overwhelming urge to breastfeed them. I also know women who absolutely didn't change their minds.

If there is even the slight possibility that you might change your mind, would it be worth preparing yourself for that by reading some of the books she has given you?

If you could say ' look I'm pretty sure I'm definitely going to bottle feed, but I will read one of these books just to help me be totally certain, or just in case I do for some reason change my mind'

Also you could say 'look, if I did change my mind I would seek support straight away to get breastfeeding'.

It might also be coming from a misguided sense of her caring about you too, as the science does suggest breastfeeding is good for the mum too.

But ultimately you get to choose so she needs to respect whatever you decide .

icelollycraving · 11/08/2022 18:47

She is not respecting your boundaries at all so I’d be very firm back. Tell her it’s making you not want to see her so perhaps she’s like to think on that going forward.

LizzieSiddal · 11/08/2022 18:49

As others have said just state that you really don’t need her advice as you have absolutely no intention of breast feeding.

A580Hojas · 11/08/2022 18:50

You want to cut off your mil because you can't or won't assert yourself over bottle feeding? Don't be daft. Get your dh to have a firm word with her if you really can't.

Holly60 · 11/08/2022 18:50

And from my perspective as a MIL to a mum (and a DM to a mum) I wouldn't be giving advice or my opinion on this if not asked.

Both girls know I breastfed, and we've had conversations about it. They did both breastfeed in the end but it was their choice and I would have been totally supportive of whatever choices they made.

I would have only given an opinion if I'd been asked as they are both adults and get to choose what they do with their bodies.

loveireland · 11/08/2022 18:55

She's trying to help her grandchild have the best start in life. Have you even listened to the information regarding breastfeeding? I can totally get where she's coming from but she is making you feel like this and that isn't fair. I would firmly tell her you are not breastfeeding and if she continues to push your boundaries then you are entitled to lower contact with her. Also speak to your partner as having him on side will help. Sorry you've got this added stress in your pregnancy.

ricestardust · 11/08/2022 19:11

Tbh, unless it's driving you insane and your spouse can't/won't discretely intercede with their mom... It's good practice for politely nodding along to all the unsolicited baby advice you're going to get from society in general. It's the Magical Law of New Babies - they automatically generate random advice (from strangers, friends, and family) about every aspect of parenthood for at least 18 months. Just tune it all out.

Sometimeswinning · 11/08/2022 19:20

loveireland · 11/08/2022 18:55

She's trying to help her grandchild have the best start in life. Have you even listened to the information regarding breastfeeding? I can totally get where she's coming from but she is making you feel like this and that isn't fair. I would firmly tell her you are not breastfeeding and if she continues to push your boundaries then you are entitled to lower contact with her. Also speak to your partner as having him on side will help. Sorry you've got this added stress in your pregnancy.

I had my first child and it just worked out that I breastfed and I wanted to do it. I then started to preach, like you, to my friends.

I'd love to go back and punch myself in the face and say leave women to make their own choices. Just support them!!

The best start is being happy and having zero expectations!!

Murdoch1949 · 11/08/2022 19:22

She's concerned for her incoming grandchild. She knows that breast is best. End of story.

Sometimeswinning · 11/08/2022 19:28

Murdoch1949 · 11/08/2022 19:22

She's concerned for her incoming grandchild. She knows that breast is best. End of story.

The actual mum is saying she doesn't want to. Happy mum is best!!

If MIL is like this person posting I'd definitely reduce contact!!

They're the extreme though. If you do decide to breastfeed you will have proper support. If you don't you will also have proper support. Stick to what makes you happy and your baby will also be happy!

Hankunamatata · 11/08/2022 19:48

Just keep saying 'I'm not breastfeeding'

BeanieTeen · 11/08/2022 19:53

She's trying to help her grandchild have the best start in life. Have you even listened to the information regarding breastfeeding?

The OP doesn’t have to listen to what her MIL is saying. All new mums are made very aware about breastfeeding and it’s benefits. I’m sure the OPs midwife, who’s job it is to advise her on this, has discussed the relevant information with her. The OPs MIL is not her midwife and it is not her job to interfere and give unsolicited advice. It’s simply not her place. So she should wind her neck in.

PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 19:55

Of course you are overreacting

You just ignore or confront

Don't cut the woman out because of your sensitivity

HannahSternDefoe · 11/08/2022 20:12

Get a t shirt printed with "I'm not breastfeeding" and wear it under a cardi...when she starts, take off the cardi Wink

Caterpillar20 · 11/08/2022 20:15

Iwonder08 · 10/08/2022 19:13

Don't be subtle. I would say ' MIL I know you are trying to help, but I have told you I made my decision so please drop the subject'

Yes, this.

Be calm, clear and firm.

This sort of behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud and healthy boundaries laid.

This is your baby, not hers, and you are making the decisions, not her.

Also, there’s nothing wrong with having some healthy distance for now if that’s what you feel you need.

Put yourself first and try to enjoy your pregnancy and this special time. There’s enough to be zapping your energy right now without your MIL doing it too :)

Xx

Littlepaws18 · 11/08/2022 20:28

I have a mil who is about as subtle as a sledge hammer and constantly quotes me parenting tips from the 1970s including: leaving them to scream will never harm them, giving them a slap on the back of the legs will never do them any harm. I nod, smile and then completely ignore every bit of advice she gives.

Chasingclouds100 · 11/08/2022 20:31

I’m sorry to say this but if she is like this now before your baby has arrived she will only get worse once baby is here. I talk from experience! I breast fed my 2DC’s but my MIL disagreed with my choice and would always be going on about how disgusting it was - that I was abusing my children by breast feeding them and would call me ‘Daisy the cow’ when they needed feeding. I wish now that I would have properly defended my choice of feeding, she became overbearing when the children arrived and absolutely unbearable over the following years. Me and my DC’s are now NC. Please enjoy your little one and don’t let anyone tell you what to do

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 11/08/2022 20:34

Actually, I think you ARE being a bit unreasonable. MiL is out of order keeping on about it, but I don't think you should dismiss breastfeeding without even trying it.

icelollycraving · 11/08/2022 21:17

Murdoch1949 · 11/08/2022 19:22

She's concerned for her incoming grandchild. She knows that breast is best. End of story.

In your opinion. End of story.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/08/2022 21:42

I get that's it's your choice and not her place at all, and I can see how it would be very annoying.

But I cant imagine saying to my child 'yes I've never spoken to grandma since before you were born because we disagreed over what you ate and she dropped a few strong hints before you were even born'.

Its unnecessary and annoying but I do think it comes from a place of malice, and I think never speaking to her would be an over reaction